omfg, we’re shadows, part one! (aka my mock supernatural drama)


I’m all about equal opportunity, so I’m ‘mocking’ the supernatural genre as a whole and not the show.

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OMFG, WE’RE SHADOWS! PART ONE

by

supernaturalsnark

FADE IN:

EXT. DARK WOODS DAY

We are in some kind of ancient time.

Legend has it that, once upon a time not long ago, shadows were independent and at some point in the future it will happen again.

In the heart of the woods, two shadows are having a deep conversation.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

Hunting people, saving things, the fa—

ANCESTOR OF TACTLESS SHADOW

Wait, wait. That’s from another show. We can’t use that.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

(confused)

We can’t? I thought that all of these shows – I mean legends – followed similar themes?

ANCESTOR OF TACTLESS SHADOW

They do but we’re going to pretend that our concept – sorry, legend – is 100 percent original, even though it isn’t.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

Gotcha.

Ancestor of Sensitive Shadow pauses and tries to come up with another generic soundbite.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

How about – we choose our own path. Our values and our actions, they define who we are.

ANCESTOR OF TACTLESS SHADOW

(shakes his head)

That’s also from another show. You’re not very good at this whole dramatic, ancient past flashback thing are you?

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

Bite me.

ANCESTOR OF TACTLESS SHADOW

How very eighteenth century of you.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

Thou shalt hath bitten me?

ANCESTOR OF TACTLESS SHADOW

Shut up. I’m supposed to be the dumb but lovable one. You’re the smart, sensitive, stupid one. Quit trying to steal my thunder.

Ancestor of Tactless Shadow glowers at Ancestor of Sensitive Shadow.

ANCESTOR OF SENSITIVE SHADOW

(blinks)

Uh. Yeah, we should probably switch to the future before Tactless kills me.

CUT TO:

INT. FUTURE DAY

Despite the nature of the show, we are transported to preppy, modern day America. For the purposes of the show, everything happens in America unless we can do the appropriate green screen and special effects stuff.

SENSITIVE SHADOW is a student at Shadow University. Despite his unnaturally high IQ, he’s majoring in ‘Cookie Cutter Good Guy’ and currently scoring highest in his Wet Blanket class. He also has a blog to show that he’s in touch with his feelings. Said blog will no longer be mentioned after this point because it diminishes his cool factor.

After a long day, Sensitive Shadow arrives back at his apartment. His brother, TACTLESS SHADOW, is sitting on top of the fridge. Sensitive is startled.

SENSITIVE

(hand on heart)

You scared me!

TACTLESS

(rolls eyes)

We’ve been Shadows for five years now. Y’know, ever since your girlfriend was turned into a carrot and you made me help you avenge her death. One minute I was a hot, smoking, hot guy and the next it was, ‘OMFG, WE’RE SHADOWS!’

SENSITIVE

Did you say ‘hot’ twice?

TACTLESS

(winks)

What can I say? I’m just that hot.

SENSITIVE

Whatever, Tactless. This is all your fault. If you hadn’t come back from NotSpeakingToYouForConvenientPlotReasons City (which we will call NSTY FCPR CITY for convenience), she would still be alive!

TACTLESS

She IS alive!

SENSITIVE

She’s a vegetable!

TACTLESS

(sexy frowns)

Still? I thought we cured her.

SENSITIVE

If you call being a humanoid carrot thing ‘cured’, then yeah, we cured her! She literally has carrot tops sticking out of her head.

TACTLESS

(shrugs)

Okay, well, I’m gonna skip ‘Whine About My Girlfriend O’Clock’ and hit up the bar. See ya later.

SENSITIVE

We can’t drink!! We aren’t solid!!

TACTLESS

Pfft, like common sense has ever stopped me from getting what I want. And also the writers are totally going to have to amend that. I’m supposed to be the hot, always drunken lothario whose alcoholism is never ever brought up on screen.

SENSITIVE

I hate my life. I hate you.

TACTLESS

Yeah, yeah, save it for our shirtless fight in episode three.

FADE IN:

EXT. SHADOW UNIVERSITY DAY

Some Dumb Kids In The Woods are walking across the heavily foliaged areas of campus. A cool breeze whips past them. Unbeknown to them, it is an evil shadow. There’s a crackle in the trees and a cackle in the distance.

GOOFY KID

(laughs nervously)

Guys, maybe we should call an Uber or something? I have my Dad’s credit card.

COOL KID

(laughs evilly)

Are you scared?

GOOFY KID

(nods)

Uh. Yes.

COOL KID

If you’re not scared then why–wait, did you say ‘YES’?

GOOFY KID

Is that a problem?

COOL KID

Oh hey, no man, I admire your honesty and–

Evil Shadow grows bored of their conversation and kills them both. Their friends run away due to the requirement of witnesses.

BACK TO:

INT. APARTMENT DAY

Tactless and Sensitive are eating breakfast together when the mail arrives. Tactless grabs an envelope which is addressed to ‘SENSITIVE DREAMBOAT’

TACTLESS

(pouts)

Our shadow identities suck. What kind of last name is ‘DREAMBOAT’?

SENSITIVE

(sexy frowns)

One that a guy who described himself as hot twice should probably love?

Tactless stops to consider this.

TACTLESS

Good point, Sens!

SENSITIVE

(frowny frown)

Don’t call me that.

TACTLESS

You can call me Tic Tac but I can’t call you ‘Sens’? How is that fair?

SENSITIVE

Seriously? Are we really going to argue over this?

TACTLESS

That’s what we do isn’t it? We argue over something stupid, save the day and then have a heartfelt moment that’s rendered useless in the next episode?

SENSITIVE

Episode?

TACTLESS

I mean the next day.

Sensitive huffs and goes back to reading the SNN website. Shadow News Network is the best news site for Shadows like him and Tactless. Given the light course load of his Cookie Cutter Good Guy degree, he likes to read through the crime section to see what good he can do for some extra credit.

TACTLESS

(bored)

How’s Gina doing?

SENSITIVE

(confused)

Who’s Gina?

TACTLESS

Your girlfriend. She’s orange so, I call her Orangina, but that’s cruel so I’ve shortened it to Gina.

SENSITIVE

But her name is Stacey? Are you trying to be funny?

TACTLESS

Yes. And it’s funny because I’m hot.

SENSITIVE

It really isn’t.

Sensitive and Tactless stare at each other wordlessly. This is the moment at which any fans of OWS will imagine any unintended sexual tension.

Sensitive breaks eye contact when he sees an interesting article in which the headline screams ‘DUMB KIDS IN WOODS EATEN BY LARGE SHADOW’. He turns his laptop around and shows Tactless, who is admiring his reflection with a knife.

TACTLESS

(sarcastically)

Yay, another chance to save the day!

SENSITIVE

(sexy frowns)

This is our DESTINY!

TACTLESS

(winks)

Destiny is what I was doing last night. Sweet, sweet destiny.

Sensitive stares at him blankly.

TACTLESS

(sexy frowns)

What? You mean that hearing about my sexual exploits really isn’t funny?

SENSITIVE

I’m not a teenage girl with no real understanding of how the world works and I don’t think you’re hot, so, no. Not funny.

TACTLESS

(disney eyes)

You don’t think I’m hot?

SENSITIVE

I think we need a time-out.

FADE IN:

INT. SHADOW UNIVERSITY NIGHT

Sensitive and Tactless are walking on campus. They’re investigating the shadow death that occurred here a few days ago.

TACTLESS

I don’t see why this is any of our business.

SENSITIVE

People are dying, Tactless. It’s our duty to care. You remember what that Shadow Master told us.

TACTLESS

Not really. I was hungover, remember?

Sensitive rolls his eyes.

SENSITIVE

They said that we have to help people.

TACTLESS

But what do we get out of it?

SENSITIVE

I don’t know. We get some Cookie Cutter Good Guy points. And…I guess you might get laid?

TACTLESS

Oh, now you’re talking!

SENSITIVE

Uh. But FYI, that’s kind of skeevy and gross.

TACTLESS

Please. It just makes me hotter.

Sensitive doesn’t respond and they make their way to the local coffee shop on campus. JACK and JILL, who are friends of the deceased, are at a table. Sensitive and Tactless spot them and instantly know who they are. Tactless winks at a barista and mouths ‘call me’ just before Sensitive drags him over to Jack and Jill’s table.

SENSITIVE

(gesturing towards Tactless)

Hi there, I’m uh, James. And this is Bond.

TACTLESS

Dude, seriously?

Sensitive turns to glare at Tactless before pasting a fake smile on his face and looking back at Jack and Jill.

JACK

Look, our friends died a few days ago, so…we don’t exactly want to talk to two random strangers about it.

JILL

(sniffles)

Especially not random strangers that are shadows!

TACTLESS

Dammit, we forgot our super convenient visibility elixir! And…I might have used the last of it on my date with Destiny.

Tactless winks and waggles his eyebrows.

SENSITIVE

Still not funny. Or impressive in anyway. 

TACTLESS

Dude, come on. Really? Not even a little bit?

SENSITIVE

No. Look, Jack, Jill, we want to help find the shadow that killed your friends.

TACTLESS

Well, he is. I’m here because I have nothing better to do. Unless…hey, Jill, do you want to go on a date?

Jill starts to blush. Despite the fact that she’s grieving for her friends, she’s extremely interested in Tactless because he’s hot and she’s a girl, so that’s how it works.

JILL

Uh, sure. And, you know, I’ve dated shadows before so…I don’t mind that you’re not visible.

TACTLESS

Awesome. Catch you later, Sens!

SENSITIVE

Don’t call me that!

Jill and Tactless skip out of the coffee shop.

JACK

No offense, but, if your buddy lays a single shadowy finger on my sister, I’ll kill him.

SENSITIVE

That’s a bit of an…overreaction.

JACK

It’s for plot purposes. You needed to establish a suspect, so. Voila.

SENSITIVE

So what happened that night?

JACK

We were cutting across Shadow Woods and suddenly, GOOFY and COOL were grabbed.

SENSITIVE

You cut through Shadow Woods? Everyone knows that the JOCK QUEST MONSTER Shadow grabs anyone that cuts through those woods.

JACK

I guess not.

SENSITIVE

Yeah, so. This is a big waste of time.

JACK

Seriously, though? What the hell is a Jock Quest Monster?

SENSITIVE

Just this shadow that really wanted to be a jock when he was at SU. They didn’t let him and he’s been haunting the woods since. It’s funny though, he only ever grabs quarterbacks.

JACK

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that GOOFY doesn’t know what a football looks like, but yeah, COOL was a quarterback.

SENSITIVE

Well then. Case solved.

JACK

I guess so. I’m gonna go grab a donut. Good talk though.

Sensitive frowns as a thought begins to form in his mind. Jack appears to be in a hurry as he shoves his books into his bag.

SENSITIVE

WAIT!

Jack sucker punches Sensitive and runs away.

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT DAY

Following a montage of Tactless and Jill’s disastrous date juxtaposed with Sensitive’s unconscious form, we are back at the apartment. Sensitive is nursing a black eye when he arrives. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees that Tactless is bound by his hands and feet to a chair in the middle of their kitchen.

TACTLESS

Yeah, so…. we were WAY off the mark with Jack and Jill. What happened to you?

SENSITIVE

Let’s just say that Jack humpty dumpty’d the heck outta me.

Tactless winces.

SENSITIVE

How could we be so stupid?

TACTLESS

Oh, come on. You know damn well that most of the cases we solve are down to a lucky break.

SENSITIVE

That’s not true! We have a….system. I do the reading and you…flirt incessantly. It’s a system!

TACTLESS

Jill literally pushed me down a hill.

SENSITIVE

Okay, so maybe we’re kind of bad at this.

TACTLESS

You know what we need?

SENSITIVE

What?

TACTLESS

A deus ex machine thingy.

SENSITIVE

You mean someone that helps us get from A to B?

TACTLESS

(snaps his fingers)

YES, THAT! Like our very own humancyclopedia. You know. We stumble around in the dark and then they wave a magic wand and HEY PRESTO! We have all of our answers.

SENSITIVE

Hmm. We need to find someone. Especially for those days when I wake up and decide that I hate you. I’ll get the Book of Shadows

TACTLESS

Dude, do we look like we’re Halliwell sisters?

SENSITIVE

Fine, I’ll get the damn Shadow Address Book! Is that a better name?

TACTLESS

Yes!

Sensitive turns towards the stairs with excitement in his eyes.

TACTLESS

Hey, can you untie me first?

SENSITIVE

Nah. I’ll be able to do more work in peace with you tied up. See ya!

Sensitive bounds up the stairs while humming along to an Ed Sheeran song. Tactless growls at him and begins to struggle with the ropes.

TACTLESS

Jackass! You won’t get away with this!!

There’s a pause before Tactless continues.

TACTLESS

Seriously? How is it fair that I was the one pushed down a hill? Things like this don’t happen to hot people like me.

In a rare moment, Tactless cries one single tear…of sweat.

TO BE CONTINUED…

END

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