CW-esque teen drama – episode 5


And this is the point where the non-existent plot goes from slightly to iffy to downright ridic.

Previous parts can be found here.


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UNTITLED UNREALISTIC TEEN DRAMA 105

‘THRILLER’

by

supernaturalsnark

1. INT. SKYLET’S HOUSE DAY

FADE IN:

It’s a few days after Skylet’s plan to bring Queen Bee down failed. She stomps downstairs for breakfast. Her newly cast parents are waiting with Stepford white smiles.

SKYLET
I can’t believe that you’re GROUNDING me!

MOM
(pouts)
I can’t believe that they cast me as your mother! I auditioned for Hot Female Teacher #2! This is bs!

SKYLET
(rolls eyes)
Whatever, Mom.

Skylet’s mom storms off set and demands to speak to her manager.

DAD
(stern look)
We raised you better than that, young lady. I’m so ashamed that you…did whatever it was. It’s not in the script. I guess we’re covering that in the recap?

SKYLET
Oh, please! You didn’t even tell me that I had a secret half brother!

DAD
(shifty eyes)
Look, your mom doesn’t know about that, okay. I was young and stupid and it just happened.

SKYLET
He’s the principal at my SCHOOL!

DAD
(frowns)
Dammit, I auditioned for that role. They told me that they wanted someone who was ‘less Hoff’ and more ‘Brad Pitt just before he stopped being hot’.

SKYLET
(throws hands up in air)
Worst parents EVER.

2. EXT. SKYLET’S HOUSE DAY

BACK TO:

It’s later in the day and Skylet’s mom is tending to her rose bushes. Hot Guy pulls up in his Hot Car. 

MOM
(fans herself)
Hey, Hot Guy!

Hot Guy gets out of his car and pulls off his shirt in slow motion.

MOM
(flutters lashes)
What are you doing here?

HOT GUY
(slow blink)
Uh. I came over last week and you were crying. I said that my hotness tends to make people feel better and we’ve been sleeping together since.

MOM
(looks around frantically)
Hey, keep it down. And I meant what are you doing here now?

HOT GUY
Oh. I’m here to see Skylet.

MOM
(thoughtful hum)
Sorry, she’s grounded. Although, I do need some help with my rosebushes…

HOT GUY
(flexes muscles)
Sure.

She grabs Hot Guy and pulls him inside. Neither of them notice the black shadow watching them from across the street.

3. INT. HALLWAY DAY

CUT TO:

The new and TV-improved Bad Guy With A Heart Of Gold is walking towards his locker. He looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model. People are staring and whispering. Queen Bee actually stops texting long enough to gape at him.

QUEEN BEE
(shocked)
Is that an ARGYLE sweater?

BAD GUY
Yeah. I’ve decided to change my image. I got a haircut. I showered. Burned my leather jacket and threw out my torn jeans. I’m changing my entire personality.

QUEEN BEE
(confused)
Why?

BAD GUY
So that I can be the perfect guy for someone. A girl someone.

QUEEN BEE
Ew. Well, you need to burn that sweater first. And secondly, I hope this isn’t an effort to win Skylet back.

BAD GUY
(smouldering eyes)
Actually, I like someone else.

QUEEN BEE
(disinterested hum)
Okay, well, you’re Bad Guy, not ‘Mr Lack Of Personality’ who, by the way, the show hasn’t cast yet.

BAD GUY
(surprised)
That is not the reaction I thought I’d get from you. I mean, I thought you were all about people changing everything about them to suit your needs.

QUEEN BEE
Maybe you were wrong about me. Or maybe I’m–

BAD GUY
–just that fabulous? Didn’t we all agree that we’d nix the catchphrase. I distinctly remember everybody voting down your motion to keep it after we did the read through.

QUEEN BEE
(pouts)
Fine. Whatever. Burn that sweater and then meet me at my house later. We need to ruin Skylet’s life.

Queen Bee snaps her fingers and leaves. A trail of her underlings follow behind her. Bad Guy finally reaches locker but Skylet bounds over to him at the same time. There are hearts in her eyes.

SKYLET
(twirls hair)
Uh. Hi, Bad Guy. I hope you’re feeling less drug crazy. And hey, rehab has transformed you into a better person! I just wanted to say sorry for spilling your secret to the school. It was completely necessary but, it backfired miserably so, I’m sorry.

BAD GUY
(rolls eyes)
Even though I know that you’re a terrible person, I expected more from you. I mean, the video, the flyers – what did I ever do to you?

SKYLET
Nothing. BUT, this is Queen Bee’s fault even though I was the one that did bad things to you!

BAD GUY
(snorts)
And how is all of your scheming and planning working out for you? Where are your friends? And I know that you probably need a hot boyfriend to validate your existence.

SKYLET
Duh. You’re no one if you don’t have a boyfriend! It’s a high school myth that I intend to perpetuate!

BAD GUY
Oh, and you’re dating Hot Guy, right? Have you looked at his Instagram page lately?

SKYLET
(valley girl giggle)
Of course! He’s my almost boyfriend! I follow and cyberstalk all of his pages.

BAD GUY
Right. So, I guess that you know that he’s sleeping with your mom.

Skylet is stunned. She grabs her phone and pulls up all of Hot Guy’s profiles. His latest Snapchat story has a selfie of him and her mom grinning wildly.

SKYLET
(splutters)
I-I-I don’t understand. She’s OLD!!!! Ew! I don’t believe this. I’m WAY hotter than she is.

She runs away while sobbing dramatically.

3. EXT. QUEEN BEE’S EXPENSIVE CAR NIGHT

DISSOLVE TO:

Queen Bee and Hot Guy are having a conversation in her car. She hands him a wad of cash.

HOT GUY
So, can I finally stop sleeping with Skylet’s mom now? I need some younger lovin’, if you know what I mean?

QUEEN BEE
Ew. Do whatever you want. And put a shirt on already. We get it. You’re hot. Your abs are amazing. You know what else is amazing? CLOTHES!

HOT GUY
I’m too hot for a shirt.

QUEEN BEE
Temperature wise or attractiveness wise?

HOT GUY
(winks)
Both.

QUEEN BEE
Get out of my car. And don’t tell Bad Guy about this. He and I are on the verge of becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I just needed to ruin Skylet’s life first. I can’t wait to see her face at the dance tomorrow.

HOT GUY
Sorry, what? I didn’t hear you? I was too busy admiring my sculpted abs.

Queen Bee groans in disgust, leans over to open the passenger door and physically removes Hot Guy from her car.

QUEEN BEE
I can’t believe that I ever dated that loser.

4. INT. GENERIC HIGH SCHOOL DANCE NIGHT

CUT TO:

Skylet is sitting in the corner of the gym, updating her blog just so that we can cut to a voiceover.

SKYLET
(voiceover)
I was down, but not out. Yeah, my mom was sleeping with my almost boyfriend. And Bad Guy wasn’t interested in me anymore. Throwing a successful dance was the best way to get everyone back onside. Queen Bee had it made it difficult to get entertainment but it turns out that Hot Principal – who is also my half-brother – was once an actor. He still had some connects so I was able to hire a couple of bands. I was ready to pick myself up from the rubble and kick ass.

Hot Guy walks into the gymnasium where the dance is being held. He’s shirtless but still has a tie on. He spots Skylet and makes his way over to her.

HOT GUY
Oh. Hey, Scarlet.

SKYLET
It’s Skylet. Wait. Are you dressed as a character from ‘Magic Mike’ or did you forget your shirt again? You know what, I don’t care. I know your dirty little secret! How dare you hook up with my MOM?

HOT GUY
(sexy shrug)
We agreed that I could have some flings before we got together. I don’t see what the problem is.

Skylet becomes full of rage and knocks Hot Guy out. Everyone around her cheers because TV violence is always the answer. 

SKYLET
Huh. Maybe my plan is actually working!

Skylet makes her way over to the stage to continue being bad at hosting the dance. 

SKYLET
(valley girl giggle)
I’d like to thank everyone for coming tonight. I know that you all hate me because I’m terrible, but I really am not as crazy as I seem. Anyway, without further ado, I’d like to introduce our entertainment for tonight: give it up for INDIE BAND THAT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF!

Indie Band  That You’ve Never Heard Of play a depressing set list. The lead guitarist insists on using a bottle cap as a guitar pick and goes through two hundred guitar strings.

POTHEAD
THIS PARTY BLOWS!!!

There’s a chorus of agreement and Skylet begins to panic. She catches Queen Bee smirking and frowns sadly. Before she can go over there, Twoanna shows up just so they can conveniently hash out their grievances. 

TWOANNA
Looks like you didn’t manage to ruin her life before she ruined yours.

POTHEAD
(in distance)
SERIOUSLY, THIS PARTY SUCKS!!! I’M GONNA GO SPIKE THE PUNCH EVEN THOUGH NOBODY DRINKS PUNCH!

SKYLET
I am DONE ruining lives. Well, except for my mom’s but she’s old so it doesn’t even count.

TWOANNA
I think there’s only one way for you to redeem your high school standing, Skylet.

SKYLET
I know. It’s time to bow down to Queen Bee because she’s so fly. I’m going to become an underling!

TWOANNA
Yeah. You do that.

Skylet walks over to Queen Bee.

SKYLET
You win, okay? You’ve ruined my life. You have Bad Guy and a mom that didn’t sleep with your almost boyfriend. Oh, and you’re not related to the Principal.

QUEEN BEE
(smug smile)
I’m glad that you’ve come to your senses. I don’t have Bad Guy though. He says he likes someone else.

SKYLET
He likes you. I mean, you drove him to rehab and paid for it. In high school, doing something nice for someone is basically like getting married.

QUEEN BEE
(laughs nervously)
No, he doesn’t. Don’t be silly.

SKYLET
Look, I need you to make this dance amazing while I find Bad Guy so that he can confess his love to you.

QUEEN BEE
Uh. Fine. I mean, I’m neighbors with HOT TWEEN BOYBAND’s manager. I can get them here in about twenty mins even though they’re a plane ride away.

SKYLET
AWESOME!!

QUEEN BEE
…I’m just, gonna go call them. You don’t look ugly tonight. I mean, you don’t look as hot as me, but your outfit isn’t a total fail.

SKYLET
(fangirls)
O EM GEE, THANK YOU SO MUCH, QB!

Queen Bee walks away as Twoanna walks up to Skylet just so that they can continue to air out their grievances. 

TWOANNA
(rolls eyes)
Oh, gee, A COMPLIMENT! Maybe she’ll finally agree to be your best friend.

SKYLET
Look, Twoanna, I’m sorry that you’ll never be as cool as I am. I’m not sorry for using you though.

TWOANNA
YOU BITCH!

Twoanna charges forward and grabs Skylet’s hair. They begin to fight.

EVERYONE
(in unison)
CATFIGHT!!

5. EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL NIGHT

CUT TO:

Queen Bee is waiting outside as HOT TWEEN BOYBAND’s jet lands on a non-existent space and the members disembark. Nearby, Hot Guy lies in a pool of blood. 

HOT TWEEN BOYBAND shoot him looks as they walk towards Queen Bee, but they don’t seem to concerned about his welfare. 

HOT TWEEN BOYBAND MEMBER #1
No offense, but you told us that this was a classy get together. There’s literally a dude bleeding out over there.

For an unexplained reason, all of the students start to stream out of the dance. They conveniently end up outside and spot Hot Guy at the same time. 

EVERYONE
(in unison)
HOT GUY HAS BEEN STABBED!!!

Bad Guy With A Heart Of Gold pops out of nowhere. There is blood all over his hands

BAD GUY
(sexy frown)
It wasn’t me, I swear.

QUEEN BEE
No one has accused you yet, although, I get that the blood on your hands means that we all will.

BAD GUY
I found him like that.

QUEEN BEE
Is he breathing?

BAD GUY
Uh, yeah. I slept through that First Aid session we had last year. I have no idea.

QUEEN BEE
(throws hands up in air)
Where is Hot Principal? Hey, HOT TWEEN BOYBAND do any of you have any medical training?

HOT TWEEN BOYBAND
(in harmony)
No. We’re paid to look pretty and think as little as possible. Anything more than that is a breach of contract.

QUEEN BEE
Has anyone called 911?

BAD GUY
Damn it, why didn’t I think of that?!

They finally manage to convince HOT TWEEN BOYBAND to let them use their jet to transport Hot Guy to the hospital. Apparently there’s a huge, convenient traffic jam and no vehicles can access the school. And the producers took the time to build a set that resembled the inside of a jet and they intend to make good use of it. 

The episode ends with HOT TWEEN BOYBAND’s latest hot song playing and a link to download it pops up on screen afterwards.

END

 

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2 comments

    1. It had to be Hot Guy! ;P

      Aw, I’m really pleased to hear that you like ’em! If anyone came along with an offer I’d gladly snap it up. Especially the CW.

      I should probably try and work on the ‘second season’ one of these days! Hot Guy needs TV justice!

      Like

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