I would like to congratulate all cyclists

I would like to congratulate all cyclists for being cyclists.

Well done. You can ride a contraption with two wheels. You’re doing your bit for the environment. You’re getting some exercise; getting some smog filled/fresh air depending on where you live. Well done!

That being said, some cyclists are the most annoying people that I’m faced with when venturing out. The number of times I’ve almost been hit by a cyclist is ridiculous. It’s as if they expect special treatment while being completely ridiculous at any given location at any given time. I’ve seen cyclists with headphones on, cyclists on the phone, cyclists texting, cyclists doing wheelies in the middle of very busy streets. Taking selfies! The most irritating thing though, is when cyclists run red lights with pedestrian crossings attached to them. Especially the ones with a junction in the middle, linking traffic from four different directions. By the time the lights are green, I’ve been waiting to cross the road for five fucking minutes – longer in some cases. Given that these days, you almost need to be Usain Bolt to make it across before the light goes back to red, the last thing I need to do is to be dodging cyclists and making sure they I’m not knocked over in the middle of the street. If it’s in the city, this all happens before the damn buses get the green light to go. On one hand, fine, they’re trying to get out ahead of the rest of the traffic and I guess dodging people is less dangerous than dodging cars but on the other hand, those other vehicles will catch up with them anyway. Waiting five seconds won’t hurt.

Road rage is also a thing with cyclists. If they don’t hate drivers, then they hate pedestrians. Nothing irritates me more than joint pedestrian/cyclist pathways because to them, it’s either their own irrelevant Tour de France, or in the case of the slow cyclists, Snore de France. I’ve had cyclists give me dirty looks and swear at me for having the temerity to exist. I get the sense that some of them just wake up angry and are too stupid to realise that they can just swerve around people. That’s what the steering handles are for. No one is going to stop in the middle of the street and give way to a cyclist that has just sped around the corner. Huffing and puffing won’t lead to wheels sprouting under people’s feet. I’m going to keep walking at my own pace, thanks.

And then you have the Lycra wearing cyclist who treats every venture outside like it’s a competition. They are the worst. If I saw someone I knew wearing Lycra and cycling, they would instantly cease to exist to me. I saw one recently who called a driver a c**t, for…driving past before he could run a red light? It was so bizarre to me. And then I noticed the Lycra and I knew that crazy had just cycled past me.

Anyway, I’m guessing that it will get worse. Soon you’ll have cycle lanes in stores whizzing past as you’re trying to find a loaf of bread that doesn’t expire tomorrow because no one has the time to eat 22 damn slices in one day!. There will be express express queues. Oh, I can’t wait.

Congratulations, cyclists! You deserve it.