I don’t know why every movie I end up seeing is pants, but well. Apparently I am drawn to pants.
Edge Of Winter – 2016
When two brothers are stranded by a brutal winter storm with an unpredictable father they barely know, the boys begin to suspect their supposed protector may be their biggest threat
I saw someone on IMDb saying that this movie could be part of a Lifetime line-up and I had to laugh because that was my EXACT thought while watching it. It really does have made-for-TV all over it. The main character starts off in trouble; something terrible threatens the character’s already shaky existence and then the character goes crazy.
That’s basically the summary of this movie.
We start off seeing a man getting final bill notices and we find out that he’s just lost his job. His ex-wife/girlfriend rolls in, all happily married to a guy who is much, much richer than he ever was. Despite the fact that she has some qualms over leaving him on his own with their kids, she does so anyway. Five minutes into the kids being at his place, they find a poorly concealed rifle underneath his bed.
At this point I was really just like, ‘Please don’t let this movie be one where one of the kids ends up trapped or dead in the middle of nowhere.”
Of course, the father then drives his kids to the middle of nowhere (in the snow because that’s always dramatic and YAY, the director can cut to scenery every time there’s a scene break). He teaches them how to shoot, all while sipping a can of beer. When his teenage son points out that he maybe shouldn’t be driving, he decides to let his unlicensed son drive. Five minutes into that, his kids end up rough-housing (even though one of them happens to be driving!) and they end up crashing into a tree.
Somehow, the kids reveal that they’re moving away and the father basically loses his shit. One of the kids says that their stepfather can send him money for tickets to come and see them and he loses his shit some more.
They then end up walking to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. The father’s plan is to basically make sure that no one finds out what happened by just…never letting the kids go. Ever. Luckily, saving grace comes in the form of two French men who are killed off. That was literally their only purpose in the movie. Eventually the kids manage to escape in the French guys’ truck (despite the fact that they were only in the movie because their truck was stuck and they needed help?!) and they leave their father there.
It was a depressingly dull movie. I’d only recommend it if you’re a Joel Kinnaman fan.
Pacific Rim – 2013
As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse.
I was SO excited to see this when it initially came out but I didn’t get around to it. I had it on my computer for a while but I never watched it. I finally saw it on Amazon and eh. First of all, I really cannot stand Charlie Day. And he was so, so, so annoying that he gave me a headache. Regarding the film, the plot was basically ~science~!! and the whole thing was rather anticlimactic.
I maintain that this movie is basically Power Rangers with bigger robots.
The Boy Next Door – 2015
A recently cheated on married woman falls for a younger man who has moved in next door, but their torrid affair soon takes a dangerous turn.
This has to be one of the dumbest, pointless, stupidest movies that I have ever seen. However, it was pretty fucking hilarious once I realised that it was basically bad writing on steroids. When I first heard of this movie, the character was 17 years old but according to Wikipedia, the director aged up the ‘younger man’ to make it less skeevy or whatever.
The movie starts off with Jennifer Lopez whining about her cheating husband. Sometime later, she meets Chiselled Abs (I can’t remember his name), the grandson of the old man who lives next door. Apparently, Chiselled Abs’ parents died the year previously (hmm) and now he has no one else. Chiselled Abs helps J-Lo fix something or other and hangs out with her kid (sans shirt) while she watches and sighs dreamily.
The summary alone is misleading because there’s no torrid affair and…she doesn’t even fall for him. Sure, they share some ‘looks’ and he’s good with her son, but she literally spies on him (while he’s naked!!!!) for a little while, goes out on a bad date, ends up going over to his house to rescue his deliberately under-cooked chicken and ends up sleeping with him. That is the extent of the ‘affair’. Of course the sex scene is agonizingly long and awful so, I guess it counted as the torrid affair. I have no idea.
To be fair, I’m kind of glad that’s all it was – anything that kept the run time short.
Following their one night stand/torrid affair, Jennifer Lopez tells Chiselled Abs that it was a mistake. He throws a major hissy fit and punches a wall. She tells him that this is wrong, he’s a kid, blah, blah. At the same time, her husband is back around and hanging out with the kid. Chiselled Abs keeps showing up because, well, he lives next door. Oh, the inconvenience. Chiselled also hacks her computer so that he can be in her English class and follows her home and stuff, ’cause they belong together and he happens to live next door. J-Lo slowly realises her sexiness has turned him into a crazy person.
The husband ends up staying over one night after taking Jennifer Lopez to dinner. Lurking in the shadows is Chiselled, who sees everything and leaps to conclusions. He could have just bugged the house really but maybe he didn’t think of that. The next day, Chiselled Abs is pissed off and calls her all kinds of names. He also manages to turn her son against her by filling his head with all kinds of psychobabble about his father abandoning him. He tampers with the brakes on the husband’s car, fractures the skull of a kid who’s bullying J-Lo’s son and gets expelled, and he paper maches her classroom with pictures from the sex tape he made of their ‘torrid affair’. All of this while he carries on stalking her. Eventually, she tells her best friend (the vice principal) what’s happening. They manage to distract him by getting the vice principal to drive J-Lo’s car while she snoops inside his house.
While she’s there, she finds some kind of basement shrine with huge pictures of her and a conveniently password-free laptop containing the sex tape, pictures and the specifications of her husband’s car as well as a 2000-something minivan (!!!!). Somehow she starts to wonder if Chiselled killed his parents. Before she can ponder this some more, her best friend calls to tell her that Chiselled is on to them and that she has five minutes to get the fuck out. She deletes the files and tries to get out of there.
Meanwhile, Chiselled calls the son and tells him and the father to drive up to some ranch (I think it was near where the best friend lived). They do that without any questions because of reasons unexplained to the audience. He also sends a fake call from the best friend in order to lure J-Lo to the ranch. Now, you’d think that J-Lo would have maybe called the police during all of this but nope. Her best friend’s boyfriend is some kind of officer but they don’t even tell him, instead, she travels to San Bernadino to meet up with the detective who investigated Papa Chiselled’s death. She asks the detective if the car could have been tampered with and he’s evasive but confirms that it was a 2000-something minivan (!!!). This would be the perfect time to say, ‘hey, well, I found all of these specifications on the son’s computer and also he’s stalking me!!!!!’ but nope. That would require her to actually have a brain.
In the end, she goes to the ranch and finds the dead body of her best friend. She tries to escape but Chiselled drags her to some kind of barn, and there’s a long drawn out fight scene that involves fire, eye gouging and an epi-pen being stabbed into Chiselled’s eye. Finally, Chiselled is crushed to death and J-Lo lives happily every after with her son and husband. Well, presumably.