Intervention Request

I have a confession to make.

Not only did I watch the Big Time Rush show in its entirety (including ten ill-advised minutes of bloopers before I realised that it wasn’t a weird episode where they weaved through the fourth wall haphazardly), but I actually like some of their songs.

I think I might be a Big Time Rush fan.

somebody save me. they look like the want to sell someone four used grand cherokees. 

In fact, I am writing this in the hopes that my brain gets with the program and schedules an intervention for me somehow. The songs aren’t even that great. They all kind of sound the same, although, ‘Time Of Our Life‘ will always be my jam. ALWAYS. And I’m partial to ‘Any Kind Of Guy’, ‘Nothing Even Matters’ and ‘Worldwide’ which I won’t link for fear of ending up in yet another YouTube black hole. Still, I draw the line at having a shower playlist that consists solely of Big Time Rush songs. And also a workout playlist.

I have issues – I know.

Furthermore, the point at which I caught myself walking around singing ‘boy-boy-boy-boy-bo-bo-boy-boyfriend’ was the point at which I decided that something had to give. That and the fact that I genuinely dislike the majority of their later songs (they sampled Song 2 and it was horrible – I can’t forgive them for that). So I’m halfway there (Halfway There is another BTR song that I’m partial to. Dammit).

So, once again, I’m turning to snark. If I can ridicule them enough that should help, right? Anyway, given that the show is basically an entire series of ridiculousness, I have turned to their music videos. Oddly enough, I’d probably be less ashamed of my BTR infatuation had I not seen the show, but I did and I am acutely aware that they did not follow the appropriate boyband conventions. I’d forgive them but they failed to master the most important one – convincing synchronized dancing.

Half of their songs don’t even have actual videos but the ones that do…well, I will give you a run down of the video below. They all kind of follow the same pattern. Cookie cutter scenario. Bad dancing. Repeat.

*The text is tiny so I’ll paste it all at the bottom just in case it’s unreadable. Not that anyone cares. 😛

Still, this video is still much better than say: this which is probably a lesson in how not to use green screen. I am consoling myself with the fact that I’m pretty sure BTR started off as a spoof band before the relevant people realised that they could make some decent pocket change out of them. Similar to The Monkees but with added seriousness in terms of the money making. Each episode is a sort of promotion for a new song. Sometimes they would incorporate the video into the episodes. Towards the end, they were openly just dropping hints about their new singles and whatnot. All that was missing was an ITunes link. Either way, there are no BTR songs or episodes or music videos that can be taken seriously. But they’re CATCHY. It’s basically musical rabies. There are some horrible lyrics in these songs. Not content horrible, but ‘cringe so hard you pull a muscle’ horrible.

Examples:
This Is Our Someday:

Maybe now is our best chance
To finally get it right
Cause if the world is an apple
Then it’s time to take a bite

Groan

The entirety of ‘The Giant Turd Song‘. Yup. They have a song about giant turds. I have an inexplicable infatuation with a boyband that has a song about excrement. I’m too old for this shit.

‘Boyfriend

If you tell me where, I’m waiting here
Everyday like slum-dog millionaire
Bigger than the twilight love affair
I’ll be here Girl
I swear

Double groan

Famous

Do you want to Ride in a big limousine?
Tell me do you want to
Take a little bite of the fame machine?
If you wanna be discovered
And end up on the cover of every star-studded supermarket magazine

I feel like supermarket and star-studded should never be in the same sentence. It’s not very glamorous. If I wanted to be famous, ending up on a supermarket rack wouldn’t be too high on my priorities. I’d want a billboard and a couple of TV spots. Actually money would do nicely.

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I suppose the horrible lyrics are a valid part of the boyband convention. However, I suspect that the show was their undoing in the end. It’s basically about four annoying teenage boys who happen to be in a band.

customary member with the tragic haircut

They start off as ‘hockey players’ who move from Minnesota to LA, along with the mother and sister of one of the boys. They move into a hotel called the ‘Palm Woods’. And all they do is chase after girls and get into stupid fights while their producer yells at everyone until he gets a musical brain fart and YAY FANCY NEW SONG! So typical teenage boy stuff. RIVETING!!! (Not.)

Oh, and the little girl (sister) spends most of her time running around with the janitor (who literally looks like a walking hedgehog and who’s called Buddha Bob, which practically screams sketchy) as well as the hotel manager. So basically two grown men. Twas disturbing to me at least.

However, I did like their homage to The Fresh Prince…especially because Alfonso Ribeiro was in the episode. And also they ended up kind of mocking their own fans in that episode too which I thought was odd, but hey ho 12 year old’s really do rule the economy. Anyway, yes. This post has done nothing to help so far. I was listening to BTR while writing the first half. So if anyone has any good music to recommend me, I’m all ears.

Clearly, I need help.

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*tiny text =

1.They start off in some sort of alternate universe where a hologram of Snoop Dogg is performing.
2.The walk into a club, looking like they're happy they didn't get busted with their fake IDs.
3.CURLY STRAWS!! Member #1 consumes a drink that has some sort of weird psychedelic miniature robot in it. This doesn't seem very kid friendly. Girl #1 ingests it while Member #1 looks at her like O_O.
4. Snoop Dogg does his best chair dancing.
5. At 1:49 Member #2 looks under-enthused despite the fact that he's in front of some sort of 6. CGI garden with Girl #3 and #4. You know what, I don't blame him. I bet the girls have been CGI'd as well.
7.Bad dancing
8. More bad dancing. Bad synchronised dancing. WHY.
9. Even worse dancing. They look like they're playing an underwhelming game of Just Dance
10.Snoop Dogg raps again because he's working hard for that OG Old School Rapper Mortgage Fund check.
11. More bad dancing
12. It ends!

Featured image credit: here