The episode opens with Jamal singing his heart out as the FBI raid Empire. I have a question. Are TV FBI raids indicative of how they actually are in real life? Surely making all of that mess is counterproductive. They could potentially conceal something Super Serious™. Or not. What do I know?
Lyon Dynasty is also raided, as is Casa Lucious. He makes that sure our charming federal prosecutor sees him in his birthday suit.
Ew. He and Cookie are forced to called a truce and end up having an argument that tails off into them yelling ‘Grandma’ and ‘Grandpa’ at each other.
Hakeem also agrees to do some video with Jamal.
Jamal is being featured on the Rolling Stone cover, and the photographer literally says, “I want to be inside you” and yeah, I’d like the my dinner to remain in my stomach please. I read somewhere that they might be going for a Terry Richardson vibe with this dude. Ick. Not that Jamal cares because this creep is apparently ‘the new ‘Warhol’. Michael just sits there side-eyeing everything because that’s his role this season.
Over at the video shoot the theme is blah, blah, oppression but that doesn’t explain why Jamal turns up looking like he wants to quit his day job and open a cafe that specialises in easel shaped pasties.
I don’t like the song and…I also don’t like the video. Cookie is dressed like a Thriller-esque Halloween decoration for some inexplicable reason.
I’ll put this down to a bad wardrobe day. She’s then arrested, but sadly not for fashion crimes. She yells out ‘If I die in police custody, I did not commit suicide‘. Word. The federal prosecutor shows up, somewhat appropriately dressed. I guess the cleavage is for Lucious’ eyes only. Anyway, she tries to emotionally blackmail Cookie into helping her.
Andre tells his wife that God has been speaking to him. She’s basically responds with the nicest version of WTF I’ve ever heard. Lee Daniels, you better not be blaspheming. Andre then pops up with a shovel…this should be good. His wife joins him because she’s ‘ride or die’. No girl, you turned up because you were the one who bashed somebody’s head in with a candleholder.
Lucious uses Cookie’s absence to try and sweet talk Lil Hakeem into coming back to Empire. DON’T DO IT SIMBA. He seems to be dismayed when he says the new painting of Jamal and finally says something I agree with.
It is the most ugliest painting ever. He then does something I agree with and STABS THE PAINTING. Come through, Lil Simba. For this you deserve to at least sniff a throne. Oh, and then he raps ‘Hakeem’s the dream’ and no. No. No throne for you, ‘keem. And then he and Jamal start fighting halfway through their video shit. Hakeem almost clubs Jamal to death with a baseball bat.
I can’t believe that no one saw that coming after he stabbed the painting.
Uh. Andre and wifey are…digging up the body of the man they killed. Except, they don’t remember where they buried it because they didn’t notice that all the trees had the same hole. Coulda just put him the freezer. Or not. It turns out that Lucious put a tracking device on Andre’s car and basically knows that they killed that man (Uncle Vernon, but I probably won’t remember that). Apparently Lucious is proud that his son is an accomplice to murder. Family goals, y’all.
The artist tries to make the slashed painting work, apparently art is fluid and the slashed part represents something. He wants his money/sexual favours tbh. Michael chimes in with a ‘Yeah, it’s powerful’.
Zip it, Michael. He’s cute though. For some reason, Michael, the artists and Jamal put up flyers of the painting around town. I know we’re in a tough economy but damn, that’s dedication. And Michael is feeling some kind of way as the artist continues to butter up Jamal. I mean, this is the same Jamal that dumped him and then had sex on top of a piano (I still don’t understand why they had to do that to the piano, okay?). Michael needs to hit Jamal up with ‘Leave (Get Out)’ and then be the one to leave because, well. He’s not the one with the money. Anyway.
Hakeem is conveniently drowning his sorrows in a club where people are singing. And he’s also conveniently on the hunt for a new lead singer. He finds one.
Meanwhile, our federal prosecutor gets into her car and discovers the dug up corpse in her passenger seat.
This won’t end well.