Yes, as promised I am going to sort of recap and review Dead 7 for my one reader. Which is me, so. Self – this is for you. I took about 36 different screenshots during this shit, so this post will be image heavy. There are some NSFW ones, so that will all be under a cut. Sigh.
Nick Carter provides us with a helpful voiceover that I sort of didn’t listen to. He’s playing someone called Jack and Joey Fatone is called Whiskey Joe. Oh, and Nick’s wife is in this too. Hopefully her acting is better her than it was on their reality show. There’s some kinda theme song that’s kinda cool. The villain appears to be a bald woman….thing…I don’t know, but she is called Apocalyptica.
She kills some dude that she has locked in a cell. She kind of pulls some faces at him and turns him into a zombie by giving him what looks like a bite of a human kidney. Apparently he’s now the flesh of the undead. There is some evil laughter.
Oh…and this movie has chapters? Alright, Nick, I’mma let you begin at least.
STORY BY NICK CARTER. #WhatAboutEvilBlessingsNick?
AJ Maclean is riding around on a horse yelling, ‘Come on, we’ve got people to eat’. Somewhere, Brian and Kevin are just sitting back, silently thankful that they’re not in this mess. AJ Maclean and his band of zombies attack some kind of tavern. AJ’s idea of evil is basically manic laughter and white face paint. All that’s missing is a ‘Y SO SERIOUS?’. While AJ’N’Zombies are going crazy, a lone ranger is running around taking on zombies one at a time until his gun jams and someone called Daisy Jane (his girlfriend?) turns up to save him.
DAISY JANE? I’m surprised Nick didn’t call her Candy Cane, as a nod to Aaron. AJ shows up and cackles incoherently. I can’t understand a word he’s saying because it’s just ‘mumble mumble he he he he he he he he he’. The lone ranger and Candy Cane gag him and…take him with them as opposed to killing him. In the jail house, AJ is talking coherently but saying all of the usual villainous guff and he he he he he he heeeee *bangs head on wall*. I’m 12 minutes in and that laughter is already REALLY annoying.
This is already worse than the five minutes of Minotaur that I had the misfortune of seeing. That was the same day my Tom Hardy marathon ended, FYI. It was some Meatloaf kind of realness. I’d watch anything for my crush-of-the-moment (but I won’t watch that).
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AJ claims the zombies are just like humans, injects some tiny ass kid with I guess, zombie blood? And oh, he escapes from jail. HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HEEEEE.
The cops (??) plan to kill all of the zombies- the kind of ‘dead that they don’t come back from’. Thanks for spelling it out, guys.
CHAPTER II is called The Magnificent Dead7. Whiskey Joey Fatone is drinking…whiskey. All of the characters get these nice introductions even though they were all introduced at the beginning of the movie. Joey Fatone gets into a fight and sort of kicks some ass and displays the gracefulness he lacked when called upon to do synchronized dance moves for Nsync (never forget!), and somehow he kind of gets his ass handed to him. Despite that, someone (The Sheriff, no less) has a job for him. You know shit is real when the town drunk is Plan A, B and C.
The Rolling Stone sums up his character pretty well:
First up is Whiskey Joe, whose only character trait is that he drinks whiskey.
Howie pops up next. HOWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE D! Howie, why are you here? He’s called Vaquero and is some kind of expert shooter. How we transitioned to this scene is a mystery to me. After that surprise introduction, Howie and Joey kill a zombie and then they magically transport to a house where they hook up with someone called Kimodo…who wields some kind of samurai sword. They enlist him onto TEAM TAKE ON AJ MACLEAN AND APOCALYPTICA (so original, Nick!).
Candy Cane pawns her ring in order to pay for a ‘friend search’. Back at her house (no transition necessary!), Candy awakens and she either goes to sleep in full mascara, black eyeshadow, and eyeliner or wakes up to put it all on. I guess that explains why they have black pillowcases. The friend is Jack, her boyfriend’s brother AKA Nick Carter. Nick Carter shows up doing his best Batman Growl™ but he needs a bit more gravel. Or whiskey. Or a Jensen Ackles growl-acting class. Possibly all three?
CHAPTER 3 – PLAN OF ATTACK
How many chapters does this movie have? Anyway, Joey Fatone and Howie and friends have somehow transported to Candy Cane and Jack’s brothers (I missed his name despite the double introduction) place and they’re…planning their attack. They then take over a saloon, because you know, that screams ‘we’re the right people for the job’.
The sheriff’s sideburns are OUT OF CONTROL, by the way.
Nick Carter hasn’t shown up yet so apparently it’s up to them (I can’t be bothered to name them all now) to save the world or whatever. I think the sheriff is then…eaten/turned by a little boy!zombie. They apparently need some kind of amazing tracker, but…they won’t be able to find her because she finds you apparently. Imagine that. They shoot the sheriff – and there’s no I shot the sheriff joke. Crying shame.
Howie is speaking Spanish during this next zombie fight sequence. Not sure why but – #MELTS. I love Howie, okay. In other news, the special effects are HILARIOUSLY BAD. SO, SO, SO BAD. Even for SyFy. It’s basically the same bad effects over and over. Nick Carter conveniently turns up just as Candy Cane is in trouble and conveniently also has some kind of romantic history with her.
Brothers. Same girl. Original.
Joey Fatone then takes out a bunch of zombies with a Molotov cocktail, but only after apologizing to his ‘baby’…or to you and me, a bottle of whiskey. Well. Anyway. They all plan to ‘save the day’, even though Nick’s agreement is prefaced by ‘We all die some day’. #FORESHADOWING
A couple (Kimodo and Daisy? IDEK) have some kind of conversation with interjections where they stab a dead but then not-dead but then dead again zombie. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh, the zombie is undead again and they…stamp on him? AIGHT. And this fool has some kind of nasty hipster haircut to boot.
Chapter IV is called ‘A Mine Full of Zombies’
Nick Carter’s wife IRL, or the amazing tracker they mentioned shows up looking like some kind of dollar store, post-alien invasion version of Khaleesi. Oh dear, oh dear.
BUT YAY, SHE FOUND THEM!
The zombies are called Copperheads by the way. Now that, I kind of like.
Joey Fatone bursts into song as they’re looking for zombies because you know, that’s a sure-fire way to get yourself attacked. They don’t find weapons but they find a lot, of, in Howie’s words, ‘dead dead Copperheads’. And then they find some live dead copperheads? Oh, god, I’m on their wavelength I’m speaking Dead7ese.
This movie is a mess but where it really excels is the fight scenes, they are all SOOOO BAD. At one point, Nick Carter’s hat magically reappears on his head within a single second. Luckily he’s saved by Amazing Tracker. Perhaps she tracked his hat from a few yards away and magically directed it back onto his head?
Luckily he’s saved by Amazing Tracker™. Perhaps she tracked his hat from a few yards away and magically directed it back onto his head?
Chapter V is the ‘Journey to Apocalyptica’.
I’m trying hard to find any comedic value in this but I can’t. It’s just bad. I wonder how those people who donated $5000 via his IndieGo feel about it. Money well spent, huh…
In a really, funny scene, Howie and Joey argue while leaving Kimodo to kill a bunch of Copperheads. By funny, I mean painful. PAINFUL.
Amazing Tracker/Knock-Off Khaleesi saves Nick Carter’s life again, because that’s a thing that’s going to happen, I guess. Her acting is…uhm, interesting, but it’s not like any of them are going to win any prizes for this. You know what, I will revise my opinion. She is the worst of the lot. She sounds like she’s reading from a script that has one word per line with double spacing.
Apparently, they’re getting close to Apocalyptica who, in one charming scene..feeds someone a human arm while screaming ‘EAT COPPERHEAD’ and then breaking into a fit of maniacal laughter.
Knock-Off Khaleesi literally bores the rest of them with some tale about something. She. Literally. Speaks. Like. She. Is. Reading. One. Word. Sentences. And. It. Is. Really. Quite. Tedious. To. Listen. To. Sorry, Nick. WHERE’S AARON THO, a brother couldn’t even get a cameo as a Copperhead? That’s cold. Mind you, Aaron is trying to revive his career so…maybe not the best idea. #OohWee (look it up and enjoy–in fact I’ll just post it here because this post can’t any worse and no one is going to read it anyway, so LOL).
Back to Dead 7. We get more scenes of Apocalyptica being all kinds of bad. Not even badass just bad. Not really adding anything to the plot here. She’s evil, talks to herself, and likes to cackle evilly. In another scene, Joey Fatone finds underwear. I feel sorry for Howie D because they’re apparently going to be paired up throughout the movie.
It turns out that Apocalyptica is on top of a mountain, leading to Kimodo to say, ‘Let’s get to the top of the mountain and deal with the psycho witch’. Knock-Off-Khaleesi informs them that: Copperheads. There. Will. Be. Copperheads. I saw some Nick Carter fans defending this mess LOL – KTBSPA, I guess. Keep that ego alive too, ladies. Not that Nicholas needs any help in that department.
As the group approaches the mountain, AJ Maclean lurks in the shadows. Oh, sorry. Lurks. In. The. Shadows.
Chapter VI is ‘The Trap‘.
Wow, they’re just giving the ‘plot’ away with these titles….
Howie, Joey and Kimodo end up at a brothel, because you know, they need supplies. Howie spies on some chick in a bathtub. Joey is looking to get some and we are…entertained with scenes such as this….
This isn’t a very family friendly movie, LMAO.
Howie is looking kind of pleased with himself, as he wonders what kind of ‘supplies’ are waiting in store for him.
HOWIE, IT’S A TRAP!!
What happens next GENUINELY TERRIFIED ME.
I was laughing and crying at the same time. Seriously. Nick Carter, you ain’t shit for this scene. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Poor Howie is turned into a Copperhead, and the Joey/Howie bromance comes to an end. Joey Fatone literally plays him a farewell tune with a harmonica. A HARMONICA.
According to Knock-Off-Khaleesi, Apocalyptica and her men – Live. In. The. Mines. Below (the mountain). So, they just climbed all the way to the top and now…they’re going back down…
Oh, apparently Nick Carter’s brother is called Billy and he’s missing (I have no idea when that happened). Candy Cane is reunited with him briefly, only for AJ to show up and take her.
AJ is not playing, he stabs Candy Cane several times and she’s turned into a Copperhead. Nick Carter shows up to finish her off and Billy is sad. Why on Earth did SyFy agree to even air this shit? LOL. The gratuity alone is too much, especially when everything looks so depressingly fake.
Anyway, AJ manages to lead Billy and Nick Carter into a trap, but Knock-Off Khaleesi shows up and helps them escape from the Copperheads. At. Least. They. Made. It. Down. The. Mountain. So she’s really going to just talk like this throughout the whole movie? Crikey O’Reilly. Nick Carter is all about nurturing his brotherly bond with Billy now. All it took was his girlfriend dying.
There’s an unnecessary scene involving someone’s teeth being pulled out…
Chapter VII – ‘Attack on desert springs‘
AJ does this for about three minutes: HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HEEEEEEE
So, for no explained reason, Apocalyptica is attacking the Desert Springs with her Copperhead Crew.
AJ: HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE I KNEW YOU LIKED IT ROUGH, THAT’S MY KINDA BITCH
And then he tries to kill Knock-Off Khaleesi and somehow shoots Billy? I can’t even see how that was even possible. But yeah, Billy’s ass is DEAD7.
Unfortunately for AJ, this happens: HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE—*beheaded*
FINALLY. I have been wanting it that way since the damn movie started. Look at how long it took me to work in a Backstreet Boys pun.
Nick Carter and Apocalyptica face-off. She goes all Mike Tyson on him and tries to bite off his ear.
Joey Fatone is drinking and taking on Copperheads, who basically turn him after ravaging him. His intestines start pouring out of him like…live worms, but with limited blood LOL. He then blows himself up. Meanwhile, Kimodo’s girlfriend turns him so that they’ll…die together. How very Romeo and Juliet of them.
Nick Carter finally manages to defeat Apocalyptica, and all of the Copperheads converge on her, while he stupidly stands there. Naturally, he gets his leg bitten by some Copperhead munchkin.
Knock-Off Khaleesi emerges from wherever the fuck she was. She helpfully provides Nick Carter with a gun and, well, that’s the end of him.
Fortunately. For. Her. She. Lives.
The credits move at LIGHTENING SPEED, presumably because the person editing it needed to seek therapy as quickly as possibly.
RATING: M for Messsssssssssssss. It has an imdb rating of: 3.3/10. So, yeah, people loved it. To be fair, Nick’s acting was actually…not bad. It was pretty decent. Same with Joey. Howie and AJ – go back to the studio, please. For all of our sakes.
I am going to pretend that none of this ever happened. If you read this up to this point – THANK YOU. Sorry for being even less coherent than the movie. 😛