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I’m not sure if it’s my computer but the recap proceeds at 2x the speed in certain parts, almost as if the writers don’t really want us to remember the…finer details.

Anyway, last season – lots of shit happened, but Cookie testified against someone and then Lucious ended up in jail. *dramatic music*


We open with a #FreeLucious concert. And then, Cookie emerges from a gorilla suit. That is, a gorilla suit…while trapped in a cage. She starts to talking about how the prison system is flawed and basically biased against young black men. The words all sound right and I agree but…she literally just emerged from a gorilla suit in a cage. I don’t think that went down very well when it aired, lol. It was a tad unnecessary.

Al Sharpton pops up. I won’t comment. Don Lemon pops up. Sigh.

Jamal sings at the concert, Lil Hakeem sort of raps. Cookie is doing some schmoozing and Andre looks…important. Meanwhile, Lucious does some light exercise in prison. Chris Rock is playing someone called Frank Gathers. He’s also in prison. Oooh.

Meanwhile, Lucious does some light exercise in prison. Chris Rock is playing someone called Frank Gathers. He’s also in prison. Oooh.

Cookie makes some comment about 50 Cent always talking shit on the ‘gram, and then her…teenage son scolds her for wanting a Krispy Kreme donut…because she ‘said she was on a diet’… I’m sure the hardcore feminists loved that scene. If anyone ever came between me and a donut, it wouldn’t end well for them.

Lucious is sad that Cookie hasn’t been to see him…despite the fact that he didn’t see her when she was in prison. And apparently he can tell if a woman is a lesbian or not just by watching her on TV. She is a lesbian, though, so I guess his gaydar is on point.

Andre is having some nightmares. Oh, right, Andre and his pregnant wife killed some dude who was a witness to a murder that Lucious committed last season. Yes, this show is a barrel of laughs. Case in point, we are all supposed to be convinced by Chris Rock playing some kind of hardened criminal.

Mimi (the lesbian) is connected and they’re (Andre, Cookie and Lil Hakeem) trying to make money from her blah, blah, blah, so they can take back the company from Jamal, who despite being the nice son, appears to have gone a little…power mad.

Jamal is (sort of) trying to get back with his ex, even after having sex on top of a piano (I think – I can barely remember season 1) with some other dude, who’s a ‘ho’ apparently. They have some kind of weird conversation about what turns them on and that turns into a weird scene with Anika dancing with Mimi. Apparently, awkward dancing pays off and they supposedly get $250 million from her.

The, uh, federal prosecutor shows up at Lucious’ prison…with…her cleavage all up in all of our faces. Well, damn. I didn’t really grasp any of their conversation. The Empire showrunners don’t appear to have ever seen a real federal prosecutor in their lives.

Miss Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta is at some meeting that Jamal has, singing. On top of a piano. Shades of last season. I didn’t really grasp any of what happened here either. This show moves very quickly and I’m tired, so.

Last season Jamal (the middle son) got the company from Lucious and…Andre, Cookie, Lil Hakeem and Anika are seriously attempting to take over. Anika even slept with Mimi. Welp. According to Cookie, she ‘can’t even dyke right’. LOL, I have to admit that made me laugh.

Turns out that Mimi just made a deal with Jamal instead. We even get some prison webcam action from Lucious who chimes in to say, ‘Game over, bitches’. I like that realism is just a thing that might exist but is deemed as unnecessary in the eyes of the Empire writers.

Over in prison, Chris Rock finds out that Cookie testified against him and landed him in jail. I’m sure the ramifications will be appropriately menacing on his part.

Jamal’s ex (who wanted to be a chef last season?) is apparently working him as his gay community liaison now. Ah, well. This won’t end well. There’s a really weird, uncomfortable dynamic between them.

Oh, and Cookie receives a human head in a box courtesy of Chris Rock. I guess the menacing scenes will be occurring offscreen. A wise choice for all. She goes to see Lucious in order to get him to sort it out. Which he does, LOL. By paying off Chris Rock’s honchos in prison to turn on him and kill him. Oh dear. Well, I’m glad we don’t have to see Chris Rock playing a G anymore.

Over at Lucious’ house, Lil Hakeem is on one hunniiiid.

Apparently, he deserves to be king. This is an actual thing that he said. I might just call him Lil Simba. Anyway, Jamal is the next to be on one hunniiid. He throws them all out (Andre, Mrs Andre, Lil Simba and Cookie) because they don’t deserve to be in ‘his father’s house’, LOL. He is slapped twice by Cookie and his response to that is, ‘You done now, lady!’ To his own mother. THE DISRESPECTTT.

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I still really have no idea what’s happening but I was sufficiently entertained by the slaps at the end. My tag game is not on point today but whatever – I deserve to be king.

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