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Yes, nothing is off limits. As you all know, I hate everything except for the Backstreet Boys. Anyway, friends are great. We all need them. To laugh with. Cry with. Do other boring bullshit with. But some of them are just annoying as fuck. Including me. I pity my friends every day. I am THE WORST.
Snark-worthy situations include:
1. The case of the chronic non-reply
This is a bit of a sore point for me. Now I am by no means the best at replying on time but I will reply eventually or send you an email letting you know that I haven’t been caught up in an avalanche. Or eaten by Barney the Dinosaur’s evil twin brother. There are some people in this world who just can’t be bothered. At this point, I sometimes just email them anyway to give them the task of sifting through my emails. Either way, I don’t know if this is a thing that people do. Ignoring just about every single communicative message you send and then telling you to keep in touch when you do eventually get through to them (I should take the hint, I KNOW). It’s rude. I got into it last year with a chronic non-reply friend and all she could say was that she was busy. Yeah, and so what? I’m busy too. I’m not asking you to give up three months of your life to dedicate a shrine to me, just for you to reply to the emails answering the questions that YOU asked me. Needless to say we don’t speak anymore because they never replied to my last message, in which I purposely wrote things that would trigger their hate of conflict. Just call me Miss Moneypetty. Someone had to end the admittedly one-sided cycle. It might as well be me.
The people who seem to think ‘LET ME KNOW’ or questions are optional also fall into this category. This isn’t a game where you can skip ‘ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION’ and select ‘I’M GOING TO PRETEND THAT THIS CONVERSATION DIDN’T HAPPEN’ instead.
ANSWER THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN QUESTION!
You ask it again and again until finally…
2. The friends who want advice just so they can turn around and do the opposite.
You spin me right round, right round–oh, sorry. Yeah. Well. The phrase ‘do you’ is a lot more prominent these days. Loosely translated as ‘well, shit, I ain’t got nothing to tell ya!’. I get it a lot too. WELP. Well in my defence, I am more of a ranter and venter than a ‘tell me what to do’. So there. Good advice also can’t cure my bad luck, so. Yes. Clearly I fall under this category. I’m sorry.
3. It’s all about you.
This one is becoming more and more common. You start a conversation with someone and then out of nowhere you’re talking about them and it is really puzzling. This happens when I ask someone a question and usually they steam roll past it and make the conversation about them. I’m always just like, ‘yeah, but what I asked you is ‘where they do that at?’ as they’re talking about their pet golden unicorns or whatever. Fuck, I probably do it too. We all suck.
4. LOL. LMAO. ROFL. OH. K friends
You know when you write a paragraph, all in proper English and full sentences and then you get ‘lol’ back. Usually an out of context lol. Either the person didn’t read it or they’re just hard-wired to respond with lol. Either way, I find it really hard to have conversations like that. I guess that’s the point. They want me to shut up. I will never do that. Neveeeeeeeer. NEVER!!! I’m just going to start throwing random things out and see how many consecutive lol replies I can get! Dinosaur cake! Lol. Nick Carter! Lol. Aaron Carter! Lol. Geronimo! Lol. Vanilla Ice! Lol. K. Lmao. Oh.
Read more under the cut!
5. Friends who make promises that they can’t keep
WHYYYYYYYY, WHYYYYYYY, WHYYYYYYY, WHY YOU WANNA TRIP ON ME?*
-classic MJ right there-
This is a pet peeve. Especially when you end up asking that person to come through and it feels like you’re nagging them when in reality they made the promise. I find that usually someone who fails to keep a promise, is someone who is unreliable. Similarly, people that agree to do something, knowing fully well that they aren’t going to do it are annoying. Still, it is a good way to figure out who you can count on!
6. We must like the same things at all times or we can’t be friends.
I have had ‘friends’ in the past who would interrogate me for not liking certain things and then insult me for not liking it. I am unsure what the end game in that situation is. Insult me enough times and I’ll finally see the light? Good luck! To be honest, if we didn’t care about what other people liked the world would be a much better place
7. The snarky, sarcastic one who bitches about everything.
Oh. Wait. That’s me. But I’m annoying and endearing at the same time. RIGHT?
8. The friend who loves everything and everyone and YAY!
Similar to 6 but not quite the same. I refuse to believe that anyone like this is genuine. There’s probably a hidden bar code on their neck. There are androids amongst us. I’m sure of it. Either way I am probably the worst friend for someone like this to have. If I don’t like something I will do my best to shut down the conversation if I know they have a problem with…’opposite opinions’ so that I don’t offend them. I have a success rate of 0% currently. I think it comes across as a bit snippy, like I don’t care about whatever boring shit they’re into (I’m kidding, please don’t comment and be all like YOU’RE THE WORST. I’ve already said that) but I am usually genuinely trying to stop anyone from getting offended.
Anyway, I might have to start pretending to like things which seems exhausting but I can do it!
Friend: So, Jeremy Renner is hot!
Me: Yeah, he’s a…person.
Friend: I loved his last movie!!
Me: I loved not seeing his last movie!
I have this down. Totally.
TO CONCLUDE: WE ARE ALL TERRIBLE AND WE NEED TO WORK ON BEING LESS TERRIBLE IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE WORLD PEACE. ACTUALLY PERSON-TO-PERSON PEACE SEEMS MORE REALISTIC.
*I’ve been on a bit of an MJ kick in the past few days, mostly because I need a distraction from health issues (why you wanna trip on me, life?!) and other shit. Anyway, this song is a classic. It’s almost kind of sad given everything that happened in the years following the song but the lyrics still resonate pretty well.