I recognize NOTHING from the recap so I’m assuming it’s all from the half of season 9 that I skipped. WOOOO!!!!!!
Now: Some kid is spray painting some shit onto a wall. Someone kills him. BLOOD SPLATTER. YAY!!!!
Post opening – Sheriff Boring Mills is at a Sheriffs Retreat. I like her Suite Life hair better. She looks like she’s wearing an ugly wig (actually, I hope she is). There is a lot of talking about things that sound uninteresting.
At the house, Dean is
pretending to read and looking up stuff on the Mark of Disdain (I think?). Sam says some shit that I didn’t pay any attention to.
And we’re back at the retreat because the editing will continue to suck until they put the show out of its misery. After a lot of irrelevant, boring, boring nonsense, someone says something about a dead body being found behind somewhere. Eaten.
Mills calls Sam and Dean because she doesn’t know any competent hunters.
Random aside: Dean’s hair looks as dry as the damn Sahara. What kind of gel are they squeezing into it? They might need to use some on Sam’s hair.
Mills and someone who I’ll just refer to as ‘Annoying Blondie’ go to look at the body, which is sort of half there but has no flesh from the chest below. Annoying Blondie thinks that something is strange here. You don’t fucking say.
In another two minute scene, some dude is throwing out trash. He does that, walks away and then GOES BACK, opens the trash bin and….something grabs him. Smart move there, buddy.
Mills and Annoying Blondie are at a bar along with the other sheriffs. None of them know what’s happening with the bodies. Annoying Blondie is sad over her ex-husband…who’s flirting with Random Extra Blondie.
What the fresh hell kind of filler shit garbage mess is this episode? Seriously.
Mills finds out that the police found another body. She goes outside and makes a call to someone called Alex. Don’t know who that is and I don’t caaaaare. Annoying Blondie catches up with her outside because she has nothing better to do. They have a conversation about this Alex girl…still don’t know and I still don’t caaaaaaaare.
You know, if Jared and Jensen want more time off maybe there should just be LESS episodes? Watching them phone it in is more interesting than watching One Retreat To Live. Good grief.
Oh, apparently Annoying Blondie is called Donna and she’s from the fat-spa episode I never bothered to watch. Thank you for the heads up, writers. Not.
Sam’s hair length is acceptable but the actual style isn’t. Just wanted to keep you updated on that.
Anyway, Sam and Dean roll in and…ask questions. The town sheriff, Sheriff Cuse, isn’t forthcoming and the deputy is a little bitchy. Dean ends up defending his fake FBI badge of honour. Sam claims that he’s going to try and crack the server, because his one brain cell is functioning today. Dean claims he’s going to crack the deputy. Sam tells him to ease up on the defense of his fake job.
Mills calls Annoying Blondie’s husband a douche and then gets her own flashback. Still don’t care. #OneRetreatToLive
Dean manages to crack the deputy, who tells him that the Sheriff changed the password on the server, meaning that no one could access footage of the attack.
Annoying Blondie catches Sheriff Cuse hovering over another body and flashing his distinct non-human teeth. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN HE’S NOT HUMAN! HE’S A VAMPIRE!!
Sam hacked into the server but the files had been deleted. And he couldn’t recover them?? So much for Super Smart Sam™.
Annoying Blondie tells Mills what she saw. Mills tells Sam, who doesn’t pick up his phone because it’s more convenient that way. Mills and Blondie go to check out the room, and they bump into Sam and Dean.
Blondie is now in the know about monsters and what not, and she manages to give them an address she found in the motel room. All four of them go to check it out.
I’ve seen infomercials more entertaining than this episode.
At the address, Super Smart Sam™ and Dummy Dean are knocked out by some new vampires, but only after Sheriff Cuse uselessly tells them to run. Sam sort of sways around and stays conscious long enough to see the faces of the other three vampires. LOL.
There’s a lot of talking. Sheriff Cuse is a good vampire who lives on bagged blood, he deleted the footage to protect his fellow vampires, blah, blah, he’s not the killer, blah, blah.
We then get slow motion flashbacks of the Sheriff stumbling across that body from before. That was necessary. Not.
I’m going to write to the SPN people and see if I can get my own flashback in the next episode that Jensen directs (I assume we’re getting another joyful 40 mins from him next season). I feel like random people having random and mostly irrelevant flashbacks mid-episode would liven things up a little bit. We could flashback to the last time I walked into a tree.
Uhm. The one annoying female vampire monologues her way through this whole confrontation. I have no idea what she’s talking about because I have a headache and didn’t bother to listen.
She kills Sheriff Cuse for some reason. Two seconds later, Dean manage to break free of whatever ropes they used on him. He kills two vampires, before Blondie kills the last one and announces ‘Hakuna Matata, lady’ to go with the Lion King wisecrack Dean made during the boring monologue that I didn’t listen to.
Apparently, killing vampires made Dean feel like himself again. Mills becomes BFFs with Blondie. The episode ends with Dean holding his arm and looking a little shifty.
I will be waiting with bated breath for his Glowing Arm Syndrome to return.
- This episode was set at some kind of Sheriffs Retreat in the middle of nowhere. Sheriff Mills returned, and made several unnecessary phone calls to someone called Alex.
- She stumbled upon a potential case for Sam and Dean
- Said case involved vampires. All vampires were eventually killed
- Someone called Donna got to tag along, because the writers only kill non-police female characters
- Nothing important happened
- There were no ‘I Shot The Sheriff’ jokes.
This was even crappier than the last episode.