This Means War (2012)


I watched this movie again recently and I was kind of bemused at how terrible it is. It should probably be called This Means Catfish. Or This Is Creepy. I don’t know. I only watched it for Tom Hardy because this is the one movie where he’s not bulked up to the high heavens and speaking in an awful accent (I’ve gotta keep it real with you, Tom).

This Means War is one of those movies where you kind of have to stop and take a second to think about what you’ve just watched. However, it’s short enough that most people probably wouldn’t bother. That was me the first time I saw it. Admittedly, I saw it for one reason and one reason only. So I was just like, ‘oh, this movie seems fun’ and I ignored Chris Pine’s weird yelling/speaking voice. I watched it again as background noise (and for the Tom Hardy scenes because it’s Tom freaking Hardy) and I was sort of startled by how creepy the movie is.

I think it’s telling when the actors can’t really be bothered to make an effort on the promo tour. Watching the interviews after I’d seen the movie was a treat. Clearly they were all thoroughly embarrassed by it. Tom has made it clear that he basically hates it and won’t be doing another romantic comedy again. I don’t blame him but at the same time, he surely read the script beforehand, did the read through and didn’t have a major problem with it. And the editing of the film isn’t really the problem (besides the ending). So I’m holding him partially accountable. Lol.

Anyway, casting wise, nothing adventurous is going on. It’s kind of like a picture of a bowl of fruit. It’s a nice, soothing picture (Tom), but ultimately just fruit (Chris Pine) with an interchangeable bowl (Reese Witherspoon). And Chelsea Handler represents a fruit fly.

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Plot wise…basically, Tom and Chris are FBI Agents. They fuck up a case. They get suspended, but it’s the kind where they don’t have to stay at home. Somehow they end up signing up to the same dating site. Wait. Actually, Reese Witherspoon ends up with a profile on the dating site. She matches up with Tom. And then as luck would have it, she bumps into Chris Pine in the video rental store. She starts dating both of them. They find out and…

…proceed to use their surveillance equipment to spy on her.

At one point there’s a montage of Reese Witherspoon singing along to ‘This Is How We Do It’ while they set up cameras in her house.

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Naturally, this isn’t really addressed in the movie. At least, I don’t think it is. But I’m not sure how two guys essentially spying on someone and breaching their privacy ends up being the basis of a romantic comedy. It’s a little weird. Actually, it is very weird. Especially because we’re then expected to care about who gets the girl when really we should be concerned about who gets the restraining order.

The only saving grace of this movie is Tom and that’s only because I like him. I honestly can’t remember any of the characters names except for Chris Pine’s and it was FDR, which is an unnecessary name so I choose not to use it.

There was too much of Chelsea Handler. Way too much. I wouldn’t even call what she did acting. It was just…bad.

The entire one hour and 30 minutes were bad.

So, now that we’ve established that I watch shitty movies does anyone have something DECENT to recommend? I had to resort to watching 22 Jump Street yesterday, and while that was funny enough, there’s only so much Channing Tatum that I can take in one sitting.

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3 thoughts on “This Means War (2012)

  1. I love this entire post! “This Means Catfish” should be a movie lol. I remember thinking how dumb that looked when it was out and I was baffled that someone put Chelsea Handler in a movie! Your bowl of fruit metaphor was more thoughtful than the premise of the movie. I can’t even attempt 22 Jump Street, seemed too annoying and I have an incredibly low tolerance for Channing Tatum. I don’t find him attractive and I don’t see him as a talented actor.
    Sorry I have no decent movie recommendations, I have bad taste lol. Last movie I watched was “We’re The Millers”. Funny and ridiculous.

    Like

    1. LOL. Given everything happening on social media today, This Means Catfish would be reflective of real life. Maybe they can make it one of those hilarious, poorly acted educational movies.

      22 Jump Street wasn’t too bad but I understand your low tolerance of Channing Tatum! I feel the same way about Jeremy Renner…I wanted to see the new Mission Impossible but ugh. I refuse to pay to watch him lol.

      I have Sharknado 3 to watch!!! Wheee!!

      Like

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