JENSEN DIRECTED THIS EPISODE!!!! Do we care? Not really. But this still calls for some
In honour of Jensen’s directorial efforts (and failures, because well, he’s…uh, still getting the hang of it) I’m going to be playing a game called:
How Many Close-Ups of Jensen Ackles’ Face Are In This Episode?
I will attempt to screencap them all. By that I mean I’ll do it for the first five minutes and then start making playlists out of boredom.
There’s a recap of the last two episodes as usual. Apparently Castiel and Mundannah are supposed to be finding some angels and punishing them. And also REMEMBER THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO CURE DEMONS!!!!!!! Hashtag convenient.
After the ‘NOW’ title card, there’s a priest saying something in Latin. The camera cuts to Jared Padalecki, who looks suspiciously the same way I did when I was in Immunology class. It’s some kind of serious face but the kind that one does when they’re so utterly bored that they’re trying to feign interest. And his hair looks like it’s just been doused in butter. Or sleaze.
He’s pretending to be a doctor in order to steal a bunch of blood from some hospital. Is there a reason why the priest was blessing dead organs or whatever. Is that a thing? SHIT WAIT, DEAN’S IN SOME BASEMENT/THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES PANIC ROOM AND I FORGOT TO COUNT CLOSE-UPS. Now I’m questioning my definition of close-ups. Uhm. We can call it Dean taking up at least three quarters of the screen. I know, I know. I suck at my own game. I’m on 1, so far.
Dean says that he doesn’t want to be fixed. Oh, sorry. Dean growls that he doesn’t want to be fixed because you know, that’s very manly. Sam’s just like, ‘okay, bro’ and splashes Dean with holy water. SAM HAS SOMETHING TO DO!!! Dean growls that what Sam wants to do might not even work and that he has more than just demon juice. He’s got the eye of the tiger, the thrill of the fight. He’s rising up to the challenge of his rival. And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger. In this case the eye of the tiger = Mark of Disdain. I’ve officially renamed it. Anyway, Dean hulks out as Sam keeps on splashing him and says that he [Sam] could make things easier on himself. Jensen then does his best Lion King impression. Seriously he just does some weird faces and screams like a dog in heat while Sam does his best concerned-yet-still-bored-face.
Luckily, we are saved by the title card.
CLOSE UP COUNT SO FAR: 19.
Jensen really loves his own face. The last five were seriously unnecessary.
Mundannah and Castiel are driving somewhere to help Sam with Dean. Mundannah whines about it. Castiel reads off the episode summary. The end.
All of the close-ups are unnecessary. Anyway. Sam did some bad shit while he was looking Dean, apparently. Dean asks him who’s the real monster because Winchesters doing bad things is unheard of. It’s not like Sam’s killed a bunch of demon meatsuits just to he could drink their blood, or watched as his own brother was turned into a vampire, or chose a demon over his own brother, or a million other things.
There’s a really unnecessary flashback of a conversation Sam had in a bar. We then move onto the part where the flashback should have started. Basically Sam got someone else to summon the crossroads demon, and that guy [Lester] makes some kind of deal (for the demon to kill his wife) for his soul. Unfortunately Dean is growl/narrating so I don’t even know what he’s saying for the most part, though he claims that he killed Lester himself. Wow. I’m so shocked and surprised that Sam could stoop so low.
Dean growls that if trying to convert him back to a human doesn’t work, Sam knows what he has to do. I think Sam is sad about the prospect. His throat sort of convulses a lot and he looks like he’s just stubbed his toe. So…top notch acting?
CLOSE-UP COUNT SO FAR: 31
Crowley is in some sort of demon court. His messenger informs him that Castiel’s grace is fading and that perhaps this might be time for Crowley to eliminate him. There’s some kind of unnecessary flashback of Dean and his sexploits (in Crowley’s bed!!!!!) and them playing fussball.
Someone applies to be Crowley’s wingman, but he’s turned into the dust. I don’t even care to know what’s going on here. And the next scene is Mundannah and Castiel. Zzzzzz.
Sam calls Cas and asks him if he’s coming, because apparently Dean’s in pain and Sam might be killing him. This is music to my ears even if he’ll be magically saved by the end of the episode. I’m Team Killing Dean. WHERE’S COLE THIS WEEK? Is he still at the library?? Can we get him back from the library? And just loan him the Iron Man suit so he doesn’t embarrass himself again?
Dean is unconscious. So Sam decides to wake Dean up, knowing fully well that Demon!Dean is going to play mind games and piss him off. SuperSmartSam, y’all. He stabs Dean with some human blood after he gets his feelings hurt. Awwww. my heart bleeds.
The Dean close-ups are so weird, like, one shot it’s NOSTRIL CLOSE and then the next shot of him is further back. Then it’s nostrilclosenostrilclosenostrilclose and then further away. Can we stick to one shot, please?!
Some guy tries to turn against Crowley but he ends up being roasted alive. Crowley says he didn’t see that coming, and I didn’t either because I wasn’t paying attention.
Mundannah and Castiuseless are still talking in the middle of motherfucking nowhere. He calls Mundannah a ‘distraction’. She’s not even distracting. She’s bland. And she’s dressed like some sort of…corporate farmer.
That female angel from the first episode shows up and beats the crap out of Castiel because he killed that other angel from the first episode. Uh, yay?
Sam’s back for his daily perusal of Dean’s room, stopping to look at some gross pie that he really should have thrown out (and really, it should be a mouldy mess by now). Dean has a bunch of pictures (some are from Behind The Scenes of Supernatural because no one could be bothered to find pictures that aren’t on Google) of Sam, Mary etc and Sam stares at them for a while because, you know, staring at pictures he’s had ample time to = ENOUGH TIME FOR DEAN TO ESCAPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Dean, you can run. And you can hide. But you can’t escape from Sam’s love. I think.
— there’s like, a two second scene of Crowley meeting up with a beaten up/lying on the side of the road Castiel, because….this was the right place for the scene —
Jared then gets a chance to star in the most ridiculous scene so far. An empty chair. DRAMATIC MUSIC. An empty chair. DRAMATIC THUDS! And…Sam doing so many nostril flares at once that it looks like his face is vibrating. Oh nostril flare (x infinity), I have not missed you.
Crowley saves Mundannah from being tortured and then kills off the female angel. Yawn. He takes her grace and gives it to Cas. Apparently he wants Cas to fix Dean because him being a demon is a problem.
Jensen’s interest in this season must be dying as the episode goes on.
Meanwhile, Sam and Dean are playing some sort of elaborate game of Hide and Seek back at the house. Or something. Dean locates a hammer, just after Sam locates a knife. Dean growls some shit after Sam shuts the power down and…like, I can’t see a fucking thing. Every time Jensen directs an episode, I swear that there’s some fuckery with filters or lighting. THEY’RE NOT YOUR FRIEND, JENSEN. Unless you’re making a music video about popping bottles of gravel ‘in da club’, this red light nonsense is not the one. Why would the back-up generators (or whatever the hell the light is coming from) produce red light in the first place?
I’ve accidentally shut down the episode three times now. I think I’m trying to tell myself something. And I just restarted it twice. Oops. Probably something to do with Jensen growling.
All of the human blood made Dean human enough to get out of the handcuffs and I guess past the devil’s trap. I take it that Sam didn’t triple lock’n’deadbolt the door? So after all of that Dean makes his way down and….turns the power back on. Yay! Sam hides somewhere and….this is honestly hilarious. It’s up there with Sam trying to kill Bobby. Dean uses the hammer to physically destroy the door because that’s a lot more menacing than going for the lock and actually killing Sam like he’s been threatening to.
It’s not legitimately intimidating unless he gets to kick the door in.
By the time Dean’s done that, Sam’s managed to escape. But not for long and….I can’t….Dean tries to smash Sam’s head in with hammer.
But Sam, in a rare display of effort, manages to evade said hammer He’s determined to remain conscious for the return of depressingly-non-demonic!Dean!!
He even manages to get the upper hand.
Sam’s obviously not going to kill him but we have to put up with Dean
egggrowling him on. AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, CASTIEL SHOWS UP JUST AT THE RIGHT MOMENT!!!
And the robotic baby blues are back, along with Dean’s felt tip eyes. Providing us with this:
Sam is exhausted, but I’m sure he’ll get his rest next week. WELL DONE, SAM, YOU GOT TO RUN AROUND YOUR OWN HOUSE THIS WEEK!!! WHEE!!
Castiel’s presence = Dean is saved. Mmkay. As they wait for him to wake up there are like ten separate close ups of Jensen’s face. LOL. I just realised why Jared’s hair is all greasy and weird even though it was decent in the first two episodes – they shot this episode first. His hair is basically the best continuity checker. Castiel says some stuff about the Mark of Disdain still being an issue but Sam’s like, ‘I’M GONNA GO AND GET DEAN FOOD!! YAY!! AND THEN SLEEP BECAUSE I SORT OF DID SOMETHING IN THIS EPISODE!!!!! YAY!! I’M GOING TO GET DRUNK!! YAY!!!’
Castiel and Dean have a conversation. Highlights include: “You’re brothers. It’s going to take more than you trying to kill Sam with a hammer to something something something”. THANKS FOR THE EXPOSITION, GUYS. I HAD ALREADY FORGOTTEN THAT DEAN TRIED TO KILL SAM WITH A HAMMER. Dean’s already in depressed/i’m a screw up/wah wah wah wah/i need a drink mode. Sigh.
I miss Demon Dean already.
Do I really mean that?
Castiel tells Dean to lie low because in the space of an episode, heaven and hell are in order and it’s ‘quiet out there’. I haven’t been paying attention to Cas enough to know if he’s being serious or not.
Because the episode isn’t ready to end, we’re transported to Tulsa, Oklahoma where a red-headed woman is sitting in some room, wiping blood off her arm casually and *smirk* smirking at the fact that there are two dead people glued to her ceiling.
Please don’t let this be a reincarnation of Abaddon.
This episode was absolutely hilarious. It had everything. Bad lighting, bad cinematography, bad dramatic music. Bad acting. Bad directing. Bad hair. Bad growling. It was essentially a celebration of mediocrity, and such an exquisite one that I almost want to say that I didn’t hate it.
Fortunately, I loathed every minute of it. Plot-wise, someone will probably have to clue me in sooner or later because I have given up.
FINAL CLOSE UP COUNT: 68
If we consider that they all lasted at least five seconds (even the ones with a two second break in between them), that’s a total of 340 seconds. Meaning that six minutes of the episode was just zoomed up shots of Jensen’s face. And those were only with the close ups that I felt took up most of the screen. That works out to 12% of the episode, but if I factor in the fact that at least 10-12 minutes was just Crowley/Mundannahstiel, it works out to 17%. Lmao.
By the way, I gave up after one screencap, and it wasn’t a close up as such. OH WELL. It was taking way too long just to count them.
I’ll see you guys next week!