snarkview: 10×03, a lesson in mediocrity


s-v

 

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whatepwascalled
Soul Survivor
[Insert something witty]
Bad

 

JENSEN DIRECTED THIS EPISODE!!!! Do we care? Not really. But this still calls for some

ccake

!!!!!!

(thanks to Trish for the gif!)
(thanks to Trish for the gif!)

In honour of Jensen’s directorial efforts (and failures, because well, he’s…uh, still getting the hang of  it) I’m going to be playing a game called:


How Many Close-Ups of Jensen Ackles’ Face Are In This Episode?


I will attempt to screencap them all. By that I mean I’ll do it for the first five minutes and then start making playlists out of boredom.
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There’s a recap of the last two episodes as usual. Apparently Castiel and Mundannah are supposed to be finding some angels and punishing them. And also REMEMBER THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO CURE DEMONS!!!!!!! Hashtag convenient.

After the ‘NOW’ title card, there’s a priest saying something in Latin. The camera cuts to Jared Padalecki, who looks suspiciously the same way I did when I was in Immunology class. It’s some kind of serious face but the kind that one does when they’re so utterly bored that they’re trying to feign interest. And his hair looks like it’s just been doused in butter. Or sleaze.

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He’s pretending to be a doctor in order to steal a bunch of blood from some hospital. Is there a reason why the priest was blessing dead organs or whatever. Is that a thing? SHIT WAIT, DEAN’S IN SOME BASEMENT/THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE CHOICES PANIC ROOM AND I FORGOT TO COUNT CLOSE-UPS. Now I’m questioning my definition of close-ups. Uhm. We can call it Dean taking up at least three quarters of the screen. I know, I know. I suck at my own game. I’m on 1, so far.

Dean says that he doesn’t want to be fixed. Oh, sorry. Dean growls that he doesn’t want to be fixed because you know, that’s very manly. Sam’s just like, ‘okay, bro’ and splashes Dean with holy water. SAM HAS SOMETHING TO DO!!!  Dean growls that what Sam wants to do might not even work and that he has more than just demon juice. He’s got the eye of the tiger, the thrill of the fight. He’s rising up to the challenge of his rival. And he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger. In this case the eye of the tiger = Mark of Disdain. I’ve officially renamed it. Anyway, Dean hulks out as Sam keeps on splashing him and says that he [Sam] could make things easier on himself. Jensen then does his best Lion King impression. Seriously he just does some weird faces and screams like a dog in heat while Sam does his best concerned-yet-still-bored-face.

Luckily, we are saved by the title card.


CLOSE UP COUNT SO FAR: 19. 

Jensen really loves his own face. The last five were seriously unnecessary.


Mundannah and Castiel are driving somewhere to help Sam with Dean. Mundannah whines about it. Castiel reads off the episode summary. The end.

All of the close-ups are unnecessary. Anyway. Sam did some bad shit while he was looking Dean, apparently. Dean asks him who’s the real monster because Winchesters doing bad things is unheard of. It’s not like Sam’s killed a bunch of demon meatsuits just to he could drink their blood, or watched as his own brother was turned into a vampire, or chose a demon over his own brother, or a million other things.

There’s a really unnecessary flashback of a conversation Sam had in a bar. We then move onto the part where the flashback should have started. Basically Sam got someone else to summon the crossroads demon, and that guy [Lester] makes some kind of deal (for the demon to kill his wife) for his soul. Unfortunately Dean is growl/narrating so I don’t even know what he’s saying for the most part, though he claims that he killed Lester himself. Wow. I’m so shocked and surprised that Sam could stoop so low.

Not.

Dean growls that if trying to convert him back to a human doesn’t work, Sam knows what he has to do. I think Sam is sad about the prospect. His throat sort of convulses a lot and he looks like he’s just stubbed his toe. So…top notch acting?

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CLOSE-UP COUNT SO FAR: 31


Crowley is in some sort of demon court. His messenger informs him that Castiel’s grace is fading and that perhaps this might be time for Crowley to eliminate him. There’s some kind of unnecessary flashback of Dean and his sexploits (in Crowley’s bed!!!!!) and them playing fussball.

How nice.

Someone applies to be Crowley’s wingman, but he’s turned into the dust. I don’t even care to know what’s going on here. And the next scene is Mundannah and Castiel. Zzzzzz.

Sam calls Cas and asks him if he’s coming, because apparently Dean’s in pain and Sam might be killing him. This is music to my ears even if he’ll be magically saved by the end of the episode. I’m Team Killing Dean. WHERE’S COLE THIS WEEK? Is he still at the library?? Can we get him back from the library? And just loan him the Iron Man suit so he doesn’t embarrass himself again?

Dean is unconscious. So Sam decides to wake Dean up, knowing fully well that Demon!Dean is going to play mind games and piss him off. SuperSmartSam, y’all. He stabs Dean with some human blood after he gets his feelings hurt. Awwww. my heart bleeds.

The Dean close-ups are so weird, like, one shot it’s NOSTRIL CLOSE and then the next shot of him is further back. Then it’s nostrilclosenostrilclosenostrilclose and then further away. Can we stick to one shot, please?!

Some guy tries to turn against Crowley but he ends up being roasted alive. Crowley says he didn’t see that coming, and I didn’t either because I wasn’t paying attention.

Mundannah and Castiuseless are still talking in the middle of motherfucking nowhere. He calls Mundannah a ‘distraction’. She’s not even distracting. She’s bland. And she’s dressed like some sort of…corporate farmer.

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That female angel from the first episode shows up and beats the crap out of Castiel because he killed that other angel from the first episode. Uh, yay?

Sam’s back for his daily perusal of Dean’s room, stopping to look at some gross pie that he really should have thrown out (and really, it should be a mouldy mess by now). Dean has a bunch of pictures (some are from Behind The Scenes of Supernatural because no one could be bothered to find pictures that aren’t on Google) of Sam, Mary etc and Sam stares at them for a while because, you know, staring at pictures he’s had ample time to = ENOUGH TIME FOR DEAN TO ESCAPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dean, you can run. And you can hide. But you can’t escape from Sam’s love. I think.

— there’s like, a two second scene of Crowley meeting up with a beaten up/lying on the side of the road Castiel, because….this was the right place for the scene —

Jared then gets a chance to star in the most ridiculous scene so far. An empty chair. DRAMATIC MUSIC. An empty chair. DRAMATIC THUDS! And…Sam doing so many nostril flares at once that it looks like his face is vibrating. Oh nostril flare (x infinity), I have not missed you.

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Sam is…uh, well. He looks bored. Which is a natural reaction to an empty chair, I suppose.

Crowley saves Mundannah from being tortured and then kills off the female angel. Yawn. He takes her grace and gives it to Cas. Apparently he wants Cas to fix Dean because him being a demon is a problem.

Jensen’s interest in this season must be dying as the episode goes on.

Meanwhile, Sam and Dean are playing some sort of elaborate game of Hide and Seek back at the house. Or something. Dean locates a hammer, just after Sam locates a knife. Dean growls some shit after Sam shuts the power down and…like, I can’t see a fucking thing. Every time Jensen directs an episode, I swear that there’s some fuckery with filters or lighting. THEY’RE NOT YOUR FRIEND, JENSEN. Unless you’re making a music video about popping bottles of gravel ‘in da club’, this red light nonsense is not the one. Why would the back-up generators (or whatever the hell the light is coming from) produce red light in the first place?

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I’ve accidentally shut down the episode three times now. I think I’m trying to tell myself something. And I just restarted it twice. Oops. Probably something to do with Jensen growling.

All of the human blood made Dean human enough to get out of the handcuffs and I guess past the devil’s trap. I take it that Sam didn’t triple lock’n’deadbolt the door? So after all of that Dean makes his way down and….turns the power back on. Yay! Sam hides somewhere and….this is honestly hilarious. It’s up there with Sam trying to kill Bobby.  Dean uses the hammer to physically destroy the door because that’s a lot more menacing than going for the lock and actually killing Sam like he’s been threatening to.

It’s not legitimately intimidating unless he gets to kick the door in.

By the time Dean’s done that, Sam’s managed to escape. But not for long and….I can’t….Dean tries to smash Sam’s head in with hammer.

shocked

But Sam, in a rare display of effort, manages to evade said hammer He’s determined to remain conscious for the return of depressingly-non-demonic!Dean!!

He even manages to get the upper hand.

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FINISH HIM!!!!

Sam’s obviously not going to kill him but we have to put up with Dean egggrowling him on. AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, CASTIEL SHOWS UP JUST AT THE RIGHT MOMENT!!!

And the robotic baby blues are back, along with Dean’s felt tip eyes. Providing us with this:

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BAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sam is exhausted, but I’m sure he’ll get his rest next week. WELL DONE, SAM, YOU GOT TO RUN AROUND YOUR OWN HOUSE THIS WEEK!!! WHEE!!

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Castiel’s presence = Dean is saved. Mmkay. As they wait for him to wake up there are like ten separate close ups of Jensen’s face. LOL. I just realised why Jared’s hair is all greasy and weird even though it was decent in the first two episodes – they shot this episode first. His hair is basically the best continuity checker. Castiel says some stuff about the Mark of Disdain still being an issue but Sam’s like, ‘I’M GONNA GO AND GET DEAN FOOD!! YAY!! AND THEN SLEEP BECAUSE I SORT OF DID SOMETHING IN THIS EPISODE!!!!! YAY!! I’M GOING TO GET DRUNK!! YAY!!!’

Castiel and Dean have a conversation. Highlights include: “You’re brothers. It’s going to take more than you trying to kill Sam with a hammer to something something something”. THANKS FOR THE EXPOSITION, GUYS. I HAD ALREADY FORGOTTEN THAT DEAN TRIED TO KILL SAM WITH A HAMMER.  Dean’s already in depressed/i’m a screw up/wah wah wah wah/i need a drink mode. Sigh.

I miss Demon Dean already.

Wait…

Do I really mean that?

hahano

Castiel tells Dean to lie low because in the space of an episode, heaven and hell are in order and it’s ‘quiet out there’. I haven’t been paying attention to Cas enough to know if he’s being serious or not.

Because the episode isn’t ready to end, we’re transported to Tulsa, Oklahoma where a red-headed woman is sitting in some room, wiping blood off her arm casually and *smirk* smirking at the fact that there are two dead people glued to her ceiling.

Please don’t let this be a reincarnation of Abaddon.

dividerthoughts

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This episode was absolutely hilarious. It had everything. Bad lighting, bad cinematography, bad dramatic music. Bad acting. Bad directing. Bad hair. Bad growling. It was essentially a celebration of mediocrity, and such an exquisite one that I almost want to say that I didn’t hate it.

ALMOST.

Fortunately, I loathed every minute of it. Plot-wise, someone will probably have to clue me in sooner or later because I have given up.


FINAL CLOSE UP COUNT: 68 

If we consider that they all lasted at least five seconds (even the ones with a two second break in between them), that’s a total of 340 seconds. Meaning that six minutes of the episode was just zoomed up shots of Jensen’s face. And those were only with the close ups that I felt took up most of the screen. That works out to 12% of the episode, but if I factor in the fact that at least 10-12 minutes was just Crowley/Mundannahstiel, it works out to 17%. Lmao.

By the way, I gave up after one screencap, and it wasn’t a close up as such. OH WELL. It was taking way too long just to count them.

this made up 50% of the episode
variants of this pretty much made up 50% of the episode

I’ll see you guys next week!

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21 thoughts on “snarkview: 10×03, a lesson in mediocrity

  1. I regretfully didn’t read all this. I couldn’t bear to relive the episode, even through your snark. I completely skip over everything angel related. I’m not sure how Castiel got his ‘grace’ back because I FFed through it – but that screencap of him with angel eyes and Dean with Deanmon eyes had me literally ROLLING with laughter.

    Question: Is this show still categorized as a drama? If so, *snicker*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. But it was a special edition snarkview in honour of Jensen!! And like, a thousand words too long but who’s counting. Lol.

      I wanted to skip as well but I honestly kept closing down the window and restarting it by accident so I just didn’t touch anything. Crowley gave Castiel some grace from an angel he killed. It was very touching in a ‘I want to gouge my eyes out’ way.

      LOL. Probably. Clearly it needs to be re-categorised as comedy, with a subcategory of ‘spoof/parody of a spoof/parody’.

      Like

  2. So, after watching this rather boring and yet another Contradict-Ourselves-And-Make-Stuff-Up-As-We-Go-Along episode:

    1. If all it took was for Castiel to get his juice back and bear-hug Dean to cure demonic possession, why didn’t they all do that in the first place? Could’ve saved two episodes.
    2. If item 1 applies, why was using sanctified human blood suddenly ineffective on Dean when it wasn’t on Crowley during the Trials?

    3. If the human blood made Dean ‘floppy’ enough to free himself of the shackles, why couldn’t Crowley do the same when he was being blood-junkied by Sam?

    4. If item 1 applies, why didn’t they just bear-hug Crowley all that time ago and solve the closing Hell problem? It would’ve saved Sam almost dying and kickstarting Season 9. Hell (without any intended pun), it could’ve even saved us from the ‘necessity’ of a ninth season in the first place.

    5. How can the writers not have any sense of continuity? I don’t care if there is a different team of people writing. It doesn’t take that much and long to quickly review previous episodes and scripts to inform the direction of future ones.

    6. Why does Hannah suddenly have human feelings and thus she has ‘something’ for Castiel? I thought angels were meant to be too strait-laced, transcendental and amoral to be able to discern between love and hate?

    7. Though I know they will endeavour to the last drop of sweat to re-incorporate Cole into the story, I still hope they don’t. Unless they do some very bad twist where Cole (not knowing that Dean has been ‘exorcised’) somehow makes some demon pact down the line to make himself invincible and take down Dean. The story can’t get any more ridiculous than it is already, so I don’t see that idea causing any harm to its ‘logic’.

    8. Crowley is boring me. It’s his occasional ‘witty’ one liners that are now helping his head to bob on top of the abysmal waters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 1. If all it took was for Castiel to get his juice back and bear-hug Dean to cure demonic possession, why didn’t they all do that in the first place? Could’ve saved two episodes.

      But then they wouldn’t be able to justify their 23-episode order! Still, I suppose it isn’t as bad as the time that Sam just walked into Purgatory with no trouble, and took a nice, breezy shortcut to hell.

      2. If item 1 applies, why was using sanctified human blood suddenly ineffective on Dean when it wasn’t on Crowley during the Trials?

      Ah, so that’s why the priest was there.

      3. If the human blood made Dean ‘floppy’ enough to free himself of the shackles, why couldn’t Crowley do the same when he was being blood-junkied by Sam?

      I was wondering this myself. And one minute Dean is in pain and half dead but in the next…he’s able enough to break free and sprint around the house and he’s back to being a SuperChargedDemon… despite all of the human blood in his system. Sigh.

      4. If item 1 applies, why didn’t they just bear-hug Crowley all that time ago and solve the closing Hell problem? It would’ve saved Sam almost dying and kickstarting Season 9. Hell (without any intended pun), it could’ve even saved us from the ‘necessity’ of a ninth season in the first place.

      There’s no room for sense when there’s money to be made! And I don’t think this show is serious about Crowley dying, ever. More’s the pity.

      5. How can the writers not have any sense of continuity? I don’t care if there is a different team of people writing. It doesn’t take that much and long to quickly review previous episodes and scripts to inform the direction of future ones.

      The writing of the show reminds me of a story I was writing with a friend. We started off doing a few paragraphs each at a time, and we’d go back and forth and fast forward a year and I can’t tell you what the hell our plot was in the beginning. The writers are lazy. And when they have 150+ episodes to go through, the nonsense they’re producing isn’t even a surprise. Why no one though to come up with some sort of continuity book/guide, I don’t know. The only continuity they seem to care about is reiterating how awful John was at least once per season, so we can feel sorry for Dean.

      6. Why does Hannah suddenly have human feelings and thus she has ‘something’ for Castiel? I thought angels were meant to be too strait-laced, transcendental and amoral to be able to discern between love and hate?

      I know, right?!! They always play fast and loose with the angels even though technically they’re all supposed to be the same. We have crazy Metatron and lovesick Anna, suddenly-developed-a-conscience-Gadreel. Mundannah is the latest in a long line of inconsistency.

      7. Though I know they will endeavour to the last drop of sweat to re-incorporate Cole into the story, I still hope they don’t. Unless they do some very bad twist where Cole (not knowing that Dean has been ‘exorcised’) somehow makes some demon pact down the line to make himself invincible and take down Dean. The story can’t get any more ridiculous than it is already, so I don’t see that idea causing any harm to its ‘logic’.

      That’ll probably happen. Cole is going to screw himself up somehow because of the whole demon thing. And then he’ll die and Dean will be sad about it and Sam will mutter something about how they used to save people. I don’t like Cole as such but his humanity makes him the least irritant on the show. I’m over angels and I’m over the demons (remember when they were genuinely ‘evil’ and not part of Crowley’s comedy show routine?)

      8. Crowley is boring me. It’s his occasional ‘witty’ one liners that are now helping his head to bob on top of the abysmal waters.

      I lost interest in Crowley back during season 8. He does the same thing over and over and it’s tiring. His one-liners are annoying to me and I’ve reached that point where I tune him out. He reminds me a little of Eli Gold on The Good Wife. They start off being that sarcastic, asshole character that you actually like but the writers run with it and they become one huge gimmick. I take it that Mark Sheppard is a little short of job offers this year.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So Dean tries to kill Sam while he’s human enough to walk out of Devil’s Trap, then Sam goes to make Dean his favorite dinner. Am I supposed to think that Sam is acting like Dean’s battered wife? I felt like sending him some literature on abuse and the address to a shelter.

    I’d suggest a “Jensen Closeup Drinking Game”, but I don’t want anyone to get alcohol poisoning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I was a little concerned about that too. Especially when he said he was going to get drunk. Getting drunk under the same roof as the guy who tried to kill you an hour earlier has death wish written all over it. But poor Sammy was tired from having scenes this week so maybe we can overlook his lapse.

      Haha, I actually considered doing that. By the time I got to 19 close ups I was glad that I forgot to buy any alcohol. Drinking + SPN = bad idea. 😛

      Like

      1. I thought the show’s refusal to taint St. Dean while villifying Sam backfired. I would have bought Sam telling Lester about crossroads deals to be a sign of his moral corruption at lot easier if the episode before hadn’t painted Lester as a completely, irredeemably evil scumbag whom it was perfectly justified for Dean to kill.

        Pick one or the other show. Either Lester is a poor, deluded woobie whom Evil!Sam led to perdition, or he’s a vile choad who willing made a demon deal and wanted to watch his wife get ripped apart by a demon.

        Anyway, the latest fan kerfluffle is some destiel shipper getting booted from Chicon for tweeting that she wanted to destroy the show. There have been charges of an anti-destiel conspiracy, complaints that the booted fan didn’t get a change to present her case as if the Creation Company is a criminal court, minions demanding that Clif the Bodyguard be sued for slander circulating around the internet all day. Way to make the fans look like loons, guys!

        Like

        1. WAIT. That was the dude from the other episode? Lol I had no idea. It literally didn’t click in my mind hahaha. It was all slightly ridiculous. And yeah, Lester was no angel so…better luck next time trying to vilify Sam (they might want to start by giving him something to do).

          I obviously don’t know the full facts but…I might be with the Desticrazies on this one. They can’t have removed her because of one tweet? And one about destroying a TV show at that, lol…it’s hardly threatening…and I bet they won’t be quick to refund her either. And the argument will be that she shouldn’t have been at the con etc but maybe she had other reasons for attending. And tbh, I’m for anything that Clif is against. He’s a detestable human being. LOL. I feel like the actors are to blame for the whole Destiel thing anyway, so it’s a double standard for them to not want to be around it. Things like banning questions etc will only add fuel to an avoidable fire, you know? This is what happens when you break the fourth wall.

          Well, the fans ARE loons (and I say this as a former looney tunes padabotcrazy myself). I think that the Destiel bunch are nuts and ridiculous but I don’t find them anymore ridiculous than the rest of the fans.

          I honestly haven’t actually been involved in fandom for the last few years though, so maybe they’ve gotten worse.

          Like

          1. From what I understand, and I could be wrong, she’s the charmer behind the jarpadmustgo tumblr so I’m not surprised that she got the boot. My guess is that “destroy your show” was a reference to the proposed boycott of the 200th episode by the destielers because Cas won’t be in it, not a real threat, but I can’t blame the security people for being too careful these days.

            What exactly did Cliff do?

            Like

            1. Lmao, why is this fandom always trying to get someone fired or threatening to boycott? It hasn’t changed at all. The irony is that non-Misha fans have tried the whole ‘X must go’ campaign, complete with a Twitter dedicated to ending Misha’s life. They threatened to boycott etc. The problem is that fandom gives these people attention. If it comes to having to report violent threats, then Jared’s people can call the police. Not the fandumb police, with Clif heading up the investigation, but any actual police force. It’s that simple.

              For the con, I mean, they have security and everything, so some irate tweeter shouldn’t be a problem, but I know that someone would have reported her because it’s happened before. (I’m deleting the rest of this comment just in case, but let me know if you didn’t get an email alert for it!).

              Like

            2. Now that I’m more awake (kinda lol)…why isn’t Misha in the 200th ep? Love him or hate him, they could at least give him a two minute clip. Like they’ve been doing unnecessarily for the last two seasons…

              Like

                1. Hahaha. It’s kind of funny really that’s he’s not in it. We won’t be able to blame him for the lack of quality!!! I imagine the Destiel logic will be ‘maybe they’ll finally kiss in the FINALE!’ because that’s all they want. Poor things.

                  Mind you, if Bobby shows up at any point I will literally eat my own fist.

                  Like

            3. I checked out the Jared tumblr and realised that it’s the same one from a few years ago. People have issues. I found this: castiel-needs-2-go.tumblr.com/ – which is slightly better though their claims about only disliking the character are kind of dubious.

              I can only assume that Jensen has cast a spell on all of these people, lol because as far as I know he doesn’t have one.

              Like

          2. Yeah, that was the same guy. If he’d shown up at the house to stop the murder, I would have felt badly for him and thought Sam was an evil bastard for talking him into the deal, but then Dean would have looked bad for killing, so obviously the show couldn’t have that. It’s not as if Sam put a gun to his head, Lester made his own choice, and he knew what he was doing.

            Geez, that was really a damp squib of a plotline.

            Liked by 1 person

              1. I’m not sure I want to devote that much brain space to the show – I need the room for Dr. Who.

                Last night’s ep was surprisingly decent, except that I still don’t care about Lester.

                Like

                1. Haha! Yeah, I operate a ‘watch and forget’ system. And then I read my less than accurate recaps when I need to remember o_o

                  They’re still talking about this Lester dude? He must be the new Amy…ugh. But I hope I can get to it this week, I have a million and one things to do. Le sigh.

                  Like

  4. Mundannah was the perfect name for that woman. I’ve decided Sam’s hair was drenched in sleazy butter which he must keep several tubs of in his dressing room refrigerator. It’s on the shelf under the cake. Here’s a healthy alternative to drinking every time they zoomed in on Dean’s face- do two sit-ups or something instead. Do a push up for every one of Sam’s nostril flares (that you can count at least) or every time Castiel coughs (I don’t think he’s still doing that but his fake bronchitis was irritating as hell during the premier). Do ten push-ups every time you roll your eyes or when one of them throws a pity party and by mid season you can be as in shape as Jared Padalecki himself but without the use of steroids! Be sure to jog one mile for every failed attempt at some juvenile humor that may or may not reference the delusional fandoms and you’ll be fit in no time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! Sam keeps the butter so he can make cakes, right? I would relish (heh!) a spin off where Sam is a baker by day and…also a baker by night. He can even make El Deano some pie.

      Lmao, the Super Supernatural work out!! I love it! (Hell, the robo-angel-baby blues would be enough to make anyone run an actual mile.) I’d probably be side-tracked and end up bashing my head against a wall. Though…that might count as neckcersise 😛

      Like

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