I have a snazzy new layout this year for no real reason at all. I’m sorry.
To recap last season: Sam almost died but Dean arranged for an angel to possess him and we got the amazingly awful pleasure of seeing that. Eventually he wasn’t possessed anymore and he spent the rest of the season looking at Dean as if he’d lost his damn mind. Dean…well, he was sad about Sam and ended up taking on some demonic mark and losing his damn mind – and his life (YAY!!). Castiel is irrelevant at this point, but he did some angel shit and probably lost his damn mind as well.
Basically Sam and Castiel think that Dean’s dead but he’s not. He’s a demon. My YAY!! was shortlived. The day Dean dies for real, I’m going to make a cake. It seems fitting at this point.
Anyway, because nobody cares about the fourth wall anymore, Jensen’s pretty much confirmed what we knew all long. This isn’t the year of Deanmon, it’s three episodes of Deanmon!!!!!!!
I’m half asleep so…this is the best time to watch the show, right? The recap is basically Dean growling at everything.
The episode starts off with some demon trash talking while Sam tortures her. He wants to know where Crowley and Dean are. He demands – no sorry, growls – for her to call somebody that knows. Thank God for subtitles. Watching this show is like learning a new language. Some time later, Sam’s watching crop updates and calling old contacts. HIS HAIR IS AT A NORMAL LENGTH and I’m actually amazed. I mean, there’s still too much forehead on show but Jared can’t help that I suppose. Dean’s left some kind of note on his pillow that says ‘Sammy, let me go’.
Sam calls Castiel about some missing guy. Castiel has some sort of coughing fit and Sam realises that Cas is a shitty hunter and fobs him off. They also write in something about Sam’s shoulder because Jared is stupid enough to get into wrestling matches in real life with Osric Chau and lose. But yeah, Sam’s dislocated shoulder is Cas’ fault.
Dean sings karaoke and it’s funny because Jenyonce can sing but he’s deliberately singing really badly because LOL IT’S SO FUNNY.
Either way, I almost fell asleep. Dean gets laid. I almost fall asleep. There was some conversation with the chick afterwards but I skipped the scene because if I laugh right now, I’ll probably fall out of my chair. Dean beats up some guy who was harassing the chick that he slept with. All that’s going through my mind is that Dean’s hair is very unfortunate. Oh and some guy stares at him for a while so he’s probably going to show up again.
Back at Cas’ motel, Hannah – some angel chick – shows up and CAS OPENS THE DOOR WITH HIS ROBE OPEN!!!!
HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA. I’m falling out of my chair here.
She says some shit that I didn’t pay attention to. I imagine that the angels are basically in disarray, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Dean and the guy from before have some conversation and GOOD GRIEF, Dean still has the first blade. It must come with an extra dose of gravel because I can’t even hear a word he’s saying. As Dean is killing that guy – who’s an Abaddon groupie (zzz), Sam’s watching security camera footage of Dean – soon to be known as ‘Porn Guy’ – killing another Abaddon groupie at a gas station. Upon closer inspection he sees that Dean is a demon. There’s a HALF NOSTRIL FLARE!!! *drinks*
It comes out as a ridiculous nose twitch in the end but eh, s’not like Jared’s vying for a Best Nostril Flare Award. Wait…
Next up, some guy is preparing to kill Dean. YAY! I think it’s supposed to be revenge for the gas station death. YAY!
Castiel and Hannah talk some more shit. Basically heaven is fucked up and Castiel is dying. Where’s no fucks left to give gif? WHERE IS IT?
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, another angel has to die to save Cas. Please. At this point, he has more lives than anti-resistant bacteria. Sam has a pointless conversation with the worker at the gas station of death. The worker basically tells us what we already know and then conveniently hands Sam the dead guy’s phone. The whole conversation was just unnecessarily annoying so I was watching Sam’s hair – which is really kind of awful when it comes to continutiy.
Sam goes outside and calls the last dialled number on the phone. Crowley picks up and makes some crack about thinking Sam had hit another dog (and found another true love). Zzzzzzz. That was two seasons ago, no one cares. Sam’s all pissed. Crowley’s….Crowley (I’ve given up hoping that Mark Sheppard will find something better to do). He says that Sam is jealous. Please. Imagine having to spend all day with Crowley? By the third hour you’d want to trade him for Kim Kardashian just so you can have a conversation with someone you can easily tune out. After that lovely conversation, Super Smart Sam has managed to track Crowley’s location with his Super Smartphone. I see that Sam’s had a brain cell boost now that he’s got less hair.
Back with Hannah and Castiel there’s a lake and some talk about a dead angel. I have no idea where this subplot is going and the writers probably don’t either. Heaven’s been falling apart for five seasons now. They’ve literally drained me of the fucks I give. DRAINED ME.
Dean and Crowley have a conversation. Crowley wants to leave town. Dean growls something about how he knows that Crowkey has been sending demons to attack him. Apparently that feeds the Mark of Cain. Do we care? Nope. Crowley mentions that he spoke to Sam, and Dean realises that Sam’s traced their location and he says that Crowley sold him out. Crowley gets his pants in a twist and gives Dean some sort of ultimatum. Apparently midwifing Dean back to life means that Dean has to be all ‘ride or die’ for him. My heart bleeds for both of them.
Sam’s driving somewhere, probably to where Dean is. His car gets all glitchy and then he gets himself knocked out by that guy who was preparing to kill Dean.
There’s a stupid, annoying, frustrating and wholly unnecessary montage of Dean getting wasted and doing more annoying karaoke. This is basically torture. Dear Supernatural, none of your montages are ever necessary. They are all pointless. POINTLESS.
After that he’s back with his blonde lady friend, who he wants to go somewhere with. Demon Dean can’t even make it through one episode without getting some kind of complex.She says some heartfelt shit about how she thought Dean was one of the good guys but really he’s an asshole. He calls her a skank and she gets all sad about it and leaves. Eh, Dean’s still a pussy.
There’s an angel camp fire in the woods. Some angel called Adina turns up with her blade. YESSS. Oh, and whaddya know, Castiel kills again. Oddly enough it was a male angel that he killed, but I’m sure he’ll catch up with Adina eventually.
Sam’s still being held captive. Yawn. Castiel is sad because he killed another angel. Yawn. Castiel is human. Yawn. Dean’s driving in the rain, and he gets a call from Sam’s phone. The guy who’s got Sam wants Dean to come and meet him. He seems to be some sort of hunter out for revenge. Yaaaaaaaaaawn. Dean’s basically like LOL NO, SAM GOT HIMSELF IN THIS MESS BUT LATER I’MMA FIND YOU AND KILL YOU.’ and then when the guy claims that he’s bluffing, Dean says that Sam knows that he’s a man of his word. LOL. Demon Dean is equally as delusional as normal Dean. Thankfully it ends there.
I suppose it’s too much for me to hope that Sam dies? I just want someone to die.
It was basically a snoozefest in which nothing of note happened.
I feel like I’ve been sitting here for a week and it’s only been an hour.