snarkview: 10×01, dean winchester’s got a hot pocket where his heart used to be


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I have a snazzy new layout this year for no real reason at all. I’m sorry.

To recap last season: Sam almost died but Dean arranged for an angel to possess him and we got the amazingly awful pleasure of seeing that. Eventually he wasn’t possessed anymore and he spent the rest of the season looking at Dean as if he’d lost his damn mind. Dean…well, he was sad about Sam and ended up taking on some demonic mark and losing his damn mind – and his life (YAY!!). Castiel is irrelevant at this point, but he did some angel shit and probably lost his damn mind as well.

Basically Sam and Castiel think that Dean’s dead but he’s not. He’s a demon. My YAY!! was shortlived. The day Dean dies for real, I’m going to make a cake. It seems fitting at this point.

Anyway, because nobody cares about the fourth wall anymore, Jensen’s pretty much confirmed what we knew all long. This isn’t the year of Deanmon, it’s three episodes of Deanmon!!!!!!!

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whatepwascalled

Black

Whack

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I’m half asleep so…this is the best time to watch the show, right? The recap is basically Dean growling at everything.

The episode starts off with some demon trash talking while Sam tortures her. He wants to know where Crowley and Dean are. He demands – no sorry, growls – for her to call somebody that knows. Thank God for subtitles. Watching this show is like learning a new language. Some time later, Sam’s watching crop updates and calling old contacts. HIS HAIR IS AT A NORMAL LENGTH and I’m actually amazed. I mean, there’s still too much forehead on show but Jared can’t help that I suppose. Dean’s left some kind of note on his pillow that says ‘Sammy, let me go’.

How sweet.

Sam calls Castiel about some missing guy. Castiel has some sort of coughing fit and Sam realises that Cas is a shitty hunter and fobs him off. They also write in something about Sam’s shoulder because Jared is stupid enough to get into wrestling matches in real life with Osric Chau and lose. But yeah, Sam’s dislocated shoulder is Cas’ fault.

Dean sings karaoke and it’s funny because Jenyonce can sing but he’s deliberately singing really badly because LOL IT’S SO FUNNY.

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Either way, I almost fell asleep. Dean gets laid. I almost fall asleep. There was some conversation with the chick afterwards but I skipped the scene because if I laugh right now, I’ll probably fall out of my chair. Dean beats up some guy who was harassing the chick that he slept with. All that’s going through my mind is that Dean’s hair is very unfortunate. Oh and some guy stares at him for a while so he’s probably going to show up again.

Back at Cas’ motel, Hannah – some angel chick – shows up and CAS OPENS THE DOOR WITH HIS ROBE OPEN!!!!

HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA. I’m falling out of my chair here.

She says some shit that I didn’t pay attention to. I imagine that the angels are basically in disarray, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Dean and the guy from before have some conversation and GOOD GRIEF, Dean still has the first blade. It must come with an extra dose of gravel because I can’t even hear a word he’s saying. As Dean is killing that guy – who’s an Abaddon groupie (zzz), Sam’s watching security camera footage of Dean – soon to be known as ‘Porn Guy’ – killing another Abaddon groupie at a gas station. Upon closer inspection he sees that Dean is a demon. There’s a HALF NOSTRIL FLARE!!! *drinks*

It comes out as a ridiculous nose twitch in the end but eh, s’not like Jared’s vying for a Best Nostril Flare Award. Wait…

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Next up, some guy is preparing to kill Dean. YAY! I think it’s supposed to be revenge for the gas station death. YAY!

Castiel and Hannah talk some more shit. Basically heaven is fucked up and Castiel is dying. Where’s no fucks left to give gif? WHERE IS IT?

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Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, another angel has to die to save Cas. Please. At this point, he has more lives than anti-resistant bacteria.  Sam has a pointless conversation with the worker at the gas station of death. The worker basically tells us what we already know and then conveniently hands Sam the dead guy’s phone. The whole conversation was just unnecessarily annoying so I was watching Sam’s hair – which is really kind of awful when it comes to continutiy.

HAIR WATCH

I think that when Jared goes to get his hair cut he picks out a style from a 1999 issue of Vogue.

Sam goes outside and calls the last dialled number on the phone. Crowley picks up and makes some crack about thinking Sam had hit another dog (and found another true love). Zzzzzzz. That was two seasons ago, no one cares. Sam’s all pissed. Crowley’s….Crowley (I’ve given up hoping that Mark Sheppard will find something better to do). He says that Sam is jealous. Please. Imagine having to spend all day with Crowley? By the third hour you’d want to trade him for Kim Kardashian just so you can have a conversation with someone you can easily tune out. After that lovely conversation, Super Smart Sam has managed to track Crowley’s location with his Super Smartphone. I see that Sam’s had a brain cell boost now that he’s got less hair.

Back with Hannah and Castiel there’s a lake and some talk about a dead angel. I have no idea where this subplot is going and the writers probably don’t either. Heaven’s been falling apart for five seasons now. They’ve literally drained me of the fucks I give. DRAINED ME.

Dean and Crowley have a conversation. Crowley wants to leave town. Dean growls something about how he knows that Crowkey has been sending demons to attack him. Apparently that feeds the Mark of Cain. Do we care? Nope. Crowley mentions that he spoke to Sam, and Dean realises that Sam’s traced their location and he says that Crowley sold him out. Crowley gets his pants in a twist and gives Dean some sort of ultimatum. Apparently midwifing Dean back to life means that Dean has to be all ‘ride or die’ for him. My heart bleeds for both of them.

Sam’s driving somewhere, probably to where Dean is. His car gets all glitchy and then he gets himself knocked out by that guy who was preparing to kill Dean.

There’s a stupid, annoying, frustrating and wholly unnecessary montage of Dean getting wasted and doing more annoying karaoke. This is basically torture. Dear Supernatural, none of your montages are ever necessary. They are all pointless. POINTLESS.

Ew.

Ew.

After that he’s back with his blonde lady friend, who he wants to go somewhere with. Demon Dean can’t even make it through one episode without getting some kind of complex.She says some heartfelt shit about how she thought Dean was one of the good guys but really he’s an asshole. He calls her a skank and she gets all sad about it and leaves.  Eh, Dean’s still a pussy.

There’s an angel camp fire in the woods. Some angel called Adina turns up with her blade. YESSS. Oh, and whaddya know, Castiel kills again. Oddly enough it was a male angel that he killed, but I’m sure he’ll catch up with Adina eventually.

Sam’s still being held captive. Yawn. Castiel is sad because he killed another angel. Yawn. Castiel is human. Yawn. Dean’s driving in the rain, and he gets a call from Sam’s phone. The guy who’s got Sam wants Dean to come and meet him. He seems to be some sort of hunter out for revenge. Yaaaaaaaaaawn. Dean’s basically like LOL NO, SAM GOT HIMSELF IN THIS MESS BUT LATER I’MMA FIND YOU AND KILL YOU.’ and then when the guy claims that he’s bluffing, Dean says that Sam knows that he’s a man of his word. LOL. Demon Dean is equally as delusional as normal Dean. Thankfully it ends there.

I suppose it’s too much for me to hope that Sam dies? I just want someone to die.

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It was basically a snoozefest in which nothing of note happened.

I feel like I’ve been sitting here for a week and it’s only been an hour.

daria

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18 comments

  1. “After that lovely conversation, Super Smart Sam has managed to track Crowley’s location with his Super Smartphone.”

    Exactly my thoughts when I saw that. Ideal, convenient and taurine. I don’t get why they never articulate well how technology works in TV series especially.

    Other than that, this episode was…

    It just was.

    It wasn’t even crapertainment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yay! You’re my first commenter of the season! Lol it’s probably a good thing that they don’t try to explain the technology. It’d be something way off the mark because the writers are too lazy to do research. Instead they stick with the This Character Is Smart And They Will Do Smart Things At Any Given Time approach. I’ll call it the Cowabunga Technique for short.

      It was terrible. I couldn’t even work out if Dean was a demon or not. I sense that they tried to explain it but…there’s so much irritating, pointless dialogue on this show that I basically zoned out whenever anyone started talking.

      Crapertainment is my new favourite word 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, it was marginally better than the S8 opener.

        I couldn’t tell any difference between Dean and Deanmon so I’m thinking that he was evil all along.

        I guess Sam used up his weekly allotment of brainpower with the phones because he sure wasn’t using any when his car died for no reason and a ‘good samaritan’ appeared out of nowhere. You’d think the events of the last 10 years would have made him cautious.

        Maybe they’ll finally kill off that useless waste of space and the rest of his angel buddies.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I think I liked the season 8 opening better because it was so ridiculous. This episode was so dull that I was literally falling asleep. For an episode that moved so ‘fast’, it sort of trudged along.

          Didn’t it turn out that Dean isn’t actually a demon unless he has contact with the Blade and feeds the mark etc (I admit that I read that somewhere else because I am an unreliable recapper) because IIRC we never actually saw him with black eyes apart from the security footage where he was holding the blade (unless we did and I missed it!). So it was basically…Dean. Jensen looked like he was on the verge of one single tear at one point.

          LOL, Sam is an idiot. Also shouldn’t he know what’s what in a car by now? The mere fact that some other person was driving along that road should have been a clue. Sam and Dean only ever travel on deserted roads. it’s the Winchester Way. No other vehicles are permitted unless they need a very large truck to either wake Sam up or crash into them.

          I think that Cas will end up outliving everyone on this show. He’s a parasite. Ugh.

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          1. Castiel’s own story doesn’t make much sense. If he was merely ‘humanised’ when his grace was taken away from him by Metatron, how come suddenly now he’ll die if he has no grace? For some reason, it feels like the writers are making things up as they go along…

            Liked by 1 person

            1. It really doesn’t. It seems to be the exact same storyline he had this time last season except all he needs to is replace the damaged grace. We’re probably supposed to assume that Metatron ~did something ~bad. But…considering that last season he was able to function without a grace, it’s utterly and ridiculously stupid. No one can ever convince me that they’re not making things up. The thought of them actually putting any effort into the garbage they’re producing is harrowing.

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          2. I finally saw My Bloody Valentine. Ye gods it was awful! It was pure ‘direct to video’ quality, and I’m still trying to figure out how it made 51 million in the theaters. It must have been the novelty of 3-D.

            Jensen was Dean right down to the wardrobe, although he laid off the batman growl, the rest of the cast wasn’t any better, the ‘story’ was ridiculous and it was pretty obvious who was doing the killings.

            It does solve the mystery of why Jensen hasn’t been offered a movie role since.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Damn. I haven’t ever seen it since that year it came out! Haha, you know I actually have a copy of my MBV review from five years ago. I gave it three stars and apparently I thought it would appeal to:

              Jensen lovers/SPN fans. Fans of the original – but from what I can see some of them don’t like it…Anyone who digs horror movies and doesn’t care about dodgy fucked plots that aren’t apparent to anyone.

              I also noted that – It won’t win any awards or propel Jensen to international stardom but it was still amazing to see Jensen on the big screen and he looked amazing although he wore that coat over a hoodie and it looked wrong

              On the acting, I said: In terms of acting none of it was special. I mean Jensen was good, but his acting was basic. Lol he said ‘What the fuck?’ and it sounded so forced. It was very one dimensional apart from the end when you realise that he is deluded. And there was this one scene where he was Dean.

              So…I think my opinion is pretty much the same as yours! Ah, yeah, when it came out 3D was pretty much the latest thing and tickets were crazy expensive, and it was the first horror movie to come out in 3D. I saw it in 2D because I hated 3D. But yes, he was Dean pretty much all the way throughout and only good in it because everyone else was so bad! Me and my friends laughed the whole way through because it was so ridiculous.

              It does solve the mystery of why Jensen hasn’t been offered a movie role since.

              LOL.

              Like

    1. I sent you a contributor invite, but I have no idea where you go to confirm that. You should have gotten an email of some sort. I can resend it if you’d like. That way it comes up with you as the author of the post and not me/my guest account. 😉 But you’re free to email it over if that’s a hassle – spnsnark@gmail.com is me.

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        1. Will do! To post I think you’d just have to c&p the HTML and then you go to ‘My Sites’ and once you accept the invite, this blog should show up and you make a post etc. You probably already know all of that 🙂

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  2. Well, I have no idea what’s happening with the angels. I have no idea who that guy is that kidnapped Sam. And I really have NO IDEA how somehow being a demon makes someone want to sing really really bad songs really really really badly. Is that’s Deanmon talk for Deanmonic activity? No more crop fires or whatever the hell Bobby jibbered about. Now we should start scouring open mic nights everywhere for Demons?

    I don’t get it.

    I was slightly more entertained than you by it though. Then again, I was drinking hard liquor while watching 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. That would be hilarious. Forget the research, Sammy, let’s do a bar crawl to find demons!

      I have no idea about that stuff either. Half of the stuff I saw in other posts and I was like, ‘…I must have slept through that part…’

      There was nothing to be entertained by! Deanmon really was Dire-mon!!! They should forget the montages and have him do his own version of Barbie Girl.

      I am mentally bracing myself for episode two, lol. *sigh*

      Like

      1. I was unfortunate enough to have to see this episode, my brother was watching it on demand. Ew sums up Dean’s karaoke perfectly, along with everything else going on. I’m all for him doing a rendition of Barbie Girl, that would be spectacular.

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        1. I feel your pain. Though I have no one to blame but myself!

          Dean has been very ‘ew’ to me this season. Demon!Dean = creeper, smelly, hasn’t showered-in-weeks to me. Just…grossness all around LOL.

          For a Barbie Girl rendition, I’d refrain from commenting on Jensen’s looks for one week. If that isn’t a good enough reason, I don’t know what is!

          Like

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