I wasn’t going to post this, but…I’d written it already so… why not?
I had to snark about these bitches sometime! I don’t really care much about these shows past laughing at their stupidity but the drama is always over some dumb shit every season. I seriously wonder about the safety of the water supply in these Real Housewives locations. Or the money must be good for them to be acting all crazy over nothing.
Let me set the scene for you. There are, I think,
six five ‘housewives’. And one invisible friend who was edited out of almost everything. She literally did not speak. There’s Vicki. Her daughter is moving away and it is the end of the world. Also, some people don’t like her boyfriend and that’s pretty much the apocalypse. Then there’s Tamra whose husband looks like he’d rather walk on hot coals than spend time with her. She’s a lying liar who’s conveniently started forgetting things when she drinks. Oh, and her son is getting married to some woman with three kids that he met on Instagram. #endoftheworld. And then there’s Heather Dubrow, esteemed and well-known (NOT) actress who’s so enamoured by her talents that she made her under-age children watch as her head was bashed open on Hawaii Five-O. She also has a lot of money and reads dictionaries in her spare time so that she can sound smarter than you. Next, there’s Shannon, the rookie who didn’t realise what she was walking into. She’s into holistic shit and all that. Lastly, there’s Lizzie, the former pageant winner who dresses like she’s trying to relive her past glory every day.
This recap is mostly about the failed take down in the season finale. I don’t care if it was editing, that shit was hilarious.
First of all though, I will give you some context.
At the start of the season, it seemed as though Heather was going to be the one that everyone ganged up on this year. They do that shit every year. Anyway, her crime was that she’s condescending (yep), she talks down to people (yep) and she talks too much (yep). That went on for a few episodes, including after Heather introduced Shannon to the group. Vicki and Tamra instantly bonded with Shannon and Heather got jealous. At one point Shannon tried to tell Heather to stop being so condescending in a slightly raised voice, but little was she to know that she had committed the heinous crime of YELLING AT HEATHER DUBROW and subsequently ruining her entire Christmas break. Oh my. Oh and at some point, Heather literally tried to yell Shannon out of a chair.
As the season progressed, Heather sabotaged Tamra’s mechanical bull ride and then pretended like she had nothing to do with it. Shannon got some email from her husband and decided to tell Tamra about it because she’s stupid. Tamra told Heather who proceeded to tell all of Orange County. When Shannon confronted Heather, she apologized for “yelling” her and asked her where she heard about the email. Heather threw her out of her palace because Ice Queen’s need more hours of sleep than the rest of us.
Some other shit happened, but all the next major thing was a dinner party that Lizzie held. Dinner parties = dramaaaaaa. Shannon asked Tamra beforehand to confirm whether or not she told her that ‘Terry and Heather wanted to take the Beadors (Shannon and her husband) down’. Tamra denied saying it and Shannon left it. Of course, Tamra and her sinkhole sized mouth couldn’t do the same. Halfway through dinner she told Heather and Terry, who proceeded to yell at Shannon across the table. Irony, thy name is Dubrow! Anyway in the end Shannon got really pissed and Heather and Tamra tried to call an ambulance on her, fearing that she was having some kind of psychotic breakdown.
That shit goes on for a while. Heather goes on about the yelling, Tamra lies, Shannon apologises, rinse and repeat.
Lizzie had a birthday party but only Vicki and the invisible one turned up. And right before the party, she overheard Vicki referring to her and the invisible one as ‘Dumb and Dumber’. #endoftheworld
Fast forward to some Valentine’s dinner and these people were stupid enough to play Shag, Marry, Kill with…their own spouses and their friends spouses. Needless to say it didn’t end well.
Fast forward again to Bali, where I will just skip to the dinner where they confront Tamra on all her bullshit. She runs away screaming ‘YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY FACE AGAIN’, still mad with Lizzie over the whole Shag, Marry, Kill game. Apparently Lizzie told Tamra she was just pissed because her husband wanted to fuck her. Lizzie claims that she said ‘marry’. It seems like Tamra is probably telling the truth, but…well, who cares. These woman are classy and full of o-pinot-ions. Tamra is also pissed because they all called her out on her lies. Heather forces herself to cry when she’s told that Tamra only had her in her wedding for TV purposes. I don’t know why she cares so much. I’m pretty sure Tamra will have another wedding at some stage. At the same dinner, Shannon thanks Heather for inviting her on the trip and says some shit about how she hopes they can be friends, and she apologises – again. Heather accepts but then two seconds later, she’s all like, ‘Terry [her husband] is VERY upset about what David said at our ground breaking party’. This party was three months ago, Heather but okay, we’ll let you finish.
Back at home, and in the finale, Heather is setting the stage for her take down of Shannon. She calls Tamra and tells her that Shannon was saying all kinds of shit about her on the plane. Tamra is all like, ‘SHE DID THE SAME THING TO ME ABOUT YOU!’ And she does the says the same kind of shit to Vicki at her Bali-themed dinner party. Take down in place!
Of course Shannon and David fuck it all up by apologising at the start of the party. Tamra tries to kick-start it at the table by bringing up Shag, Marry, Kill again and not content with the fact that these people are seeing her lying face again, she calls on them to speak up like they did in Bali. Shannon says that she’s hurt by the lies that Tamra told, especially the one about ‘Taking the Beadors down’. David cuts in and says that her lies made Terry get angry with them and then out of nowhere, Terry cuts in and is all like, ‘NO WHAT I WAS PISSED ABOUT WAS YOU TELLING MY WIFE TO ‘SPREAD HER LEGS’ AT MY GROUND BREAKING PARTY* IN FRONT OF MY KIDS AND EIGHTY YEAR OLD MOTHER’. Everyone at the table is kind of just like…this shit was three months ago, and everyone was drunk. David is basically like LOL, I JUST APOLOGISED FOR THIS BS WTF and Terry doesn’t like that. Apparently David is just a construction guy with some kind of holla back girl type attitude, who’s too stupid to know what words mean, unlike Terry who is a super intelligent plastic surgeon!! Heather offers to get him a thesaurus for that because she’s too stupid to know the difference between that and a dictionary. Oh, and apparently there’s a medical term for guys like David and it’s called – wait for it – PENIS!!
(*The ground breaking party was a party Heather and Terry held on the lot of their new house. They were literally celebrating the breaking of ground. Oh, to be rich. Anyway, at this same party, Eddie (Tamra's husband) actually called out 'Show us how you ride Terry!' in front of their children and Terry's 80 yo mother but because he's a friend, it's perfectly okay. #RichPeopleLogic)
Seemingly unaware that no one else is interested (or stupid enough to join) in the take down, the Dubrows carry on with the insults until Shannon speaks up and says that she basically doesn’t care enough to argue with them. And the take down has been extinguished in .5 seconds. They were just of sitting there like ‘uhhh…what do we do now’ and it was hilarious.
Fast forward to the reunion which was a huge snoozefest. The only RH show with decent reunions is the Atlanta version. On this one, they just rehashed the same shit over and over. No lies were exposed. New lies were told (Shannon claims the show ‘saved’ her marriage. I think anyone watching probably just went ‘Gurl…’ at their screens while shaking their heads and checking if any pigs were flying across the sky). Power to her though!
I need an intervention, guys. I watch WAY too much reality TV. I even watched Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars. It was garbage but I watched almost every single episode. I have issues.