snarkview: 9×22, it’s gonna be dean

Why am I still torturing myself with this show? That’s the question I ask myself every time I sit down to do one of these. And then I realise that I won’t get the answer to that question until someone tells me what exactly the writers are smoking, because clearly, the fumes have gotten to me via my screen. Apparently season 10 sounds interesting….just like season 9 did, and season 8 before that, and season 7 before that, and season 6…I think we all know how season 10 will go. It will start off shit, get shittier, improve for one episode, and then begin a rapid descent into farcical territory.

What the episode was called: Stairway to Heaven (How clichéd!)

What it should have been called: Hallway to Bullshit/The Hilarious Case of Jensen Ackles’ Face

Anyway! In the recap Tessa the reaper shows up. Ugh.

In the NOW sequence, some pushy mom is ordering her son ice cream and then some little-girl-angel takes down the whole place after some angel/demon walks in. At least I think that’s what happens.

After the opening credits, Dean wakes Sam up by blasting music in his face and Sam almost shoots Dean, who’s all like, ‘nice reflexes, better hair.”

Not really, Dean. His hair still looks like shit. Why is that random strand just hanging there? Ugh. Why isn’t the grease they put in it all the time doing it’s job?

Castiel calls and wants their help, and Sam begs Dean not to take the first blade with them because he isn’t already a psychopath who won’t listen. Castiel gives them the aliases of Agents ‘Spears and Aguilera’ when he shows up the ice cream shop from the start of the episode.

SPEARS AND AGUILERA!!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Dying with laughter over here.

Metatron and Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel have some bullshit conversation about Castiel and his flock, and how Metatron doesn’t get the ‘Cas lovefest’…because he made God laugh…twice.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Metatron is in whiny!brat mode and it’s really not amusing at all. He’s worse than Crowley.

Back at Castiel’s HQ, as part of his role as commander he apparently does a role call…because the angels like it when he says their names. These angels sound like Supernatural fans. ‘Oh, there’s a Gloria in this episode? THAT’S MY NAME!!!”. Anyway, it turns out that the deaths at the beginning were part of the ongoing angle battle….yes, we knew that. Dean flips out and reminds Castiel that he killed a lot of shit back when he had a lot of juice. There’s some mumbo jumbo about going after something, and Dean manages to palm Sam off onto Castiel….hmmm, I wonder why. Unfortunately, Sam doesn’t wonder why because he’s stupid. Sam and Castiel discuss how Dean has changed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They discuss how Castiel’s followers are a bunch of obsessed angels. Zzzzz. Next.

Meanwhile, Metatron and Tahmoh Penikett as Gadreel are…bowling. And trying to convince the angel-manager to join their battle. The manager refuses, because he apparently, likes the authenticity of a bowling alley…he offers them a game and says he’ll listen if they win.

Sam and Cas are looking for some dude, and they ask a shopkeeper who’s vying for this episode’s Worst Hair award.

I think the guy on the left wins this one.

 

Dean, on the other hand, is ‘interviewing’ (read: growling at) an angel called Flagstaff, she says that she hates men like him and Dean flips out and threatens her with a blade and she reveals something about Constantine and Tessa the Reaper. Yay! Not.

Sam and Castiel literally attempt to open a door in the middle of nowhere, while Dean catches up with Tessa and then cuffs her and demands to know where Constantine is. When he gets back to HQ, he plans to torture her but Rebecca (Cas’ right hand woman) stops him and says he can talk (growl!!) to her. Tessa claims that she’s supporting Castiel and I really don’t give a shit. Rebecca flips out at one point and Dean tells her to settle down. Oh please. Jensen is on fine form today…he’s extra growly!

Metatron loses his bowling game and then one of Castiel’s supposed disciples turns up and screams ‘I DO THIS IN THE NAME OF CASTIEL’ and blows the place up. Uh-huh.

Back in the Sam and Cas show, the code to the door is ‘Why is 6 afraid of 7″…….HA HA HA HA BECAUSE 7 8 9 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA. They manage to dodge a trap indoors and apparently find the ‘door to heaven’. Uh-huh. It turns out to be Cas’ personal heaven and a ‘good luck finding the real one’ party. The whole place has been booby trapped, or as Sam puts it, ‘home alone’d’. Oh, and the pop culture references keep on coming. There’s some burnt out dude on the floor and he refuses to let Cas heal him because he would never give himself to Cas blah, blah, blah, and he dies.

Because she can’t handle the cries of the lost souls, Tessa has basically turned into the angel version of a suicide bomber (nice, show, real nice) and Dean claims that while he’s messed up, he’s never been that low. Uh-huh. Sure. Like an idiot, Dean brings out the first blade and Tessa uses it to kill herself. Of course, Rebecca walks in and it looks like Dean did it and they cuff him up. Sam and Cas show up and Sam’s all pissed blah, blah, blah, blah. Commander Cas gets a call from Metatron who delivers the best line of this steaming pile of crap. “Dean, always with the B-grade movie wit!”, well, more D-grade than B-grade, but still. Dean’s retaliation is sarcastically calling Metatron ‘Mother Theresa with a neck beard”. Metatron says some shit…about giving angels amnesty and basically pleads to Castiel’s followers and reveals that Cas’ grace is stolen, fading away and that he’ll die when it burns out. Why Cas didn’t just shut it off, I don’t know. Perhaps he hasn’t quite learned how to use the off button yet.

All of Cas’ followers don’t believe him when he says that he’s not lying,  and they demand that he punish Dean as proof. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, FINISH HIM! But of course Cas can’t and his followers up and leave.

Tahmoh as Gadreel is distraught that Metatron brainwashed his recruits. I almost feel sorry for Tahmoh as Gadreel. Almost. He’s just too boring for me to give a shit. Metatron says some shit and I don’t listen. It turns out that Tahmoh as Gadreel was the one who recruited Tessa and Co and that they were all acting under Metatron’s orders.

Back at the house, Dean admits that he lied about the blade because Sam was ‘being an infant’, and that until he jams the blade into Metatron, they’re not a team, he’s calling the shots and this is now a ‘dictatorship’….

A DICTATORSHIP??!!!!

 

Dean’s mantra could literally be It’s Gonna Be Me, with a few alterations.

You might’ve been hurt, Sam
That ain’t no lie
You’ve seen the demons all come and go, oh..
I remember you told me
That it made you believe in
Saving people, hunting things, the family business
Maybe that’s why

Every little thing I do
Never seems enough for you
You don’t wanna lose me again
But I’m not like them
Sammy, when we finally,
Get to kill Metatron
Guess what,
It’s gonna be me..

Castiel is sad about his followers. Dean claims that they alone can take down Metatron. Uh-huh. Tahmoh as Gadreel shows up and says that he wants to help them and begs for a chance. My reaction was basically: FINISH HIM, DEAN!! What happens next is so hilarious that I cannot explain it. I’m going to have to upload this one because I CAN’T.

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Oh gosh, someone get Jensen an Emmy for Best Comedic Actor. Please. That scene was epic. The contorted facial expressions. The gratuitous use of slow motion! The look on Sam and Cas’ faces. Well played, everyone. I was thoroughly amused. *round of applause*

The End!