I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that Jared finally got a haircut that didn’t involve him standing in front a mirror with a beanie, a pair of blunt garden shears and shitload of tears.
The bad news is that he’s still an idiot.
Onto the spinoff episode! I’ve been told that it’s worse than all of the worst episodes of Supernatural combined. This doesn’t surprise me. No one with any common sense saw the need for a spin off or a way in which it wouldn’t be completely abhorrent and stupid, but well, nobody said that The CW had smarts.
What this episode was called: Bloodlines
What it should have been called: Flatlines
The episode starts with some sort of 90210-esque opening, except we’re in Chicago. There should so be a Chicago Real Housewives show. Anyway. Two very pretty people are having dinner in some fancy restaurant.
The following exchange takes place.
Girl: This place is beautiful
Boy: It’s…alright. [stares into girls eyes] You’re beautiful.
Girl: Look, Ross, if you think that laying it on thick like that is going to get you somewhere like that tonight then…
Ross: I’m right?
Girl: [laughs] You’re right.
UGH….we’re only 30 seconds in and I want to punch myself. This is a new precedent. I think.
She asks him what they’re doing at the restaurant and he starts looking around for
his acting coach or something, and tells her to hold that thought. He then goes over to the guy in charge of the restaurant and says that tonight is the biggest night of his life, and asks him to put an engagement ring in a glass of champagne. How classy. Some guys walks in and the restaurant guy goes over to deal with them and Ross gets all mad. And lol one of the guys is the cop from Pretty Little Liars – we’ll just call him Wilden – which is hilarious to me. Unless his character is dead on that show (probably), what the hell is he doing in this mess?
I can’t be bothered to learn these names, so basically Wilden goes into the back room of the restaurant where vampires and a whole bunch of weird creatures are sitting around killing or biting or drinking shit, I wasn’t really paying attention. He changes his hair from black to blond and accosts some bartender chick who looks like she’s powered by Botox. Some guy called Julian turns up and is all like ‘I want to eat Taylor Swift’s heart but we don’t all get what we want’ when Wilden tells him to go away.
At this point a Taylor Swift song would make a better episode than what I’ve seen so far.
Julian turns out to be a werewolf. Shit goes down and the lights go out. Some masked guy shows up and yells ‘YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CI–‘ wait, that’s the CW’s other vigilante murderer show, Arrow. Apparently Supernatural: Flatlines also has a hooded vigilante murderer.
Meanwhile, Ross and his nameless girlfriend are leaving the restaurant. I am momentarily relieved because maybe I don’t have to endure any more cheesiness. Sadly, that’s not the case but thankfully the moment is interrupted by Wilden and the murderer guy who seems to have borrowed Wolverines hand. Wilden is injured, and as the vigilante tries to take down Wilden, the girlfriend is flung against a wall and she dies. Wilden also dies. The girlfriend dying could easily have been avoided. All she literally had to do was move out of the way before the vigilante guy removed her himself. Oh well.
[shitty opening card thingy]
I’m seven minutes in and I’m really confused at how this even got past the script phase.
At some college, some guy called David steals some test papers or something and then he gets a call saying that someone’s brother is dead. Cut to Ross (Or is it Russ?? I don’t even care at this point) being questioned by some cop. After some talking, Sam, Sam’s forehead and Dean burst in to the interrogation room and do their whole FBI thing.
I booed them mentally. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
The vigilante murderer thing wasn’t human, apparently, and Ross is kind of sad about it. Dean tells him that monsters don’t exist. Sam kind of sits there and acts like he’s sucking on a lemon. Apparently Julian from before is the vigilante murderer and he’s not really a vigilante just a werewolf murderer.
I…am not even going to try and make sense of this.
There’s some chick called Margo, who’s David’s sister, and she seems to be mad about a lot of shit that no one cares about. Wilden was their brother. And his name is Sal? Wilden sounds a lot better. They have a sick dad who kind of just stays sick for most of the episode. I don’t know what his deal was. David’s been gone for three years blah, blah, blah, his ex is getting married, blah, blah, blah, he ran away to be a human.
Apparently, Julian isn’t the murderer but…he’s not going to admit that.
I am very confused.
Ross goes home and stares at a picture of his Dad or something and then locates a gun and a silver bullet.
Wow, someone’s father leaving them a gun and a special bullet. That’s new.
He goes back to the restaurant to take a look around and the restaurant guy from the beginning comes in and starts sniffing the air like crazy. He seems to be a vampire. Ross shoots at him and when nothing happens, Sam and Dean turn up behead him before he can kill Ross.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Sam tells Ross who they really are and gives him Monster 101. Sam and Dean then act all surprised at ‘Monsters killing monsters’…because that hasn’t happened on Supernatural before.
This has got to be the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever watched and it’s only been twenty minutes. I’d rather watch a show based on this gif:
Ross discovers the the original cop that interviewed him isn’t human. Oh gosh, stop the press, we’ve got an expert over here. He threatens him with a silver bullet and it turns out that the cop is actually this David guy, who’s a shapeshifter. I am confused again because apparently Ross is called Ennis. Google tells me that his name is Ennis Ross.
Andddddddddddd I just wasted valuable moments of my life.
David manages to escape by….throwing a jacket over Ross’ head and pushing him into a closet. But not before David tells him that Julian is a werewolf and probably the killer.
Sam and Dean – [insert obligatory boo] – are standing outside Julian’s house (I think), having some stupid, inane conversation about the case. It sounds like Jared trips up on his lines a little, which is a surprise. It’s not like he ever has a lot to remember. Ross also shows up at the house because he thinks he’s the new kid on the hunting block.
David is attacked by the mysterious killer, and his ex-girlfriend is…I don’t even know. Taken. Sam and Dean stop standing around and turn up in the middle of the woods after they hear screaming. They bump into Ross and David. Yawn.
In the space of a car ride to…what seems to be a random spot in the middle of some street, David manages to fill Sam and Dean on the five monster families that rule Chicago.
“What is this? Godfather with fangs?” — no, Dean, this is what bad writing looks like.
After deliberating for a few minutes they…get back into the car and drive off. WHAT THE FUCK, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY EVEN GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR? (There might be some legitimate reason, but I was kind of writing up the previous part of this and wasn’t paying attention. I doubt that there was though.)
Oh and apparently, I was right after all, the murderer is basically a hooded vigilante with Wolverine’s hand. He reveals himself to David’s ex (who’s called Violet) and he says that he’s “just a man”.
WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS.
In some other location, David and Ross get into some random argument and Ross gives him a message from Wilden. Apparently he said some heartfelt shit as he was dying. Like ‘sorry’ and ‘I had to it’ and blah, blah, who cares.
At one point, Dean says something because if he doesn’t get some screen time all the fan girls might lose interest in this garbage.
Sam, Dean and Ross and David reach the vigilante’s lair. I have no idea how. Shapeshifter GPS? David manages to get himself caught. The guy playing him is the WORST actor ever, by the way. Just the sound of his stupid voice offends me. As the vigilante guy does his whole bad guy monologue, Violet hulks out and almost kills him. Why the vigilante guy doesn’t know enough to have used iron/silver chains is beyond me. Eventually David manages to stop her.
Sam and Dean turn up and do that thing where they do nothing at all. The vigilante guy apologises to Ross and says that his girl was ‘in the way’ and that he’s all about killing monsters blah blah. Ross is like, ‘I only see one monster here’ and…he kills the guy.
Well. That was nice of him. What a well-balanced individual he’s turning out to be.
Apparently the whole ‘bloodline’ thing means that shifters and werewolves aren’t allowed to be together…blah, blah. So when David and Violet wanted to run away together, his brother turned up and threatened to kill her.
Yeah, no one cares at this point. If I wanted to watch some kind of supernatural interspecies relationship bullshit I’d watch Twilight.
I am really, really, really, really, really, really – and I’ll add one more really just ’cause – confused about why anyone thought this would work as an actual show. This is the most vapid, boring, ridiculous and pointless thing I’ve ever seen. And I watch a lot of staged reality TV that have scenes were grown women fight over chairs.
Sam and Dean drop Ross off back at home and Dean gets a phone call. Both Jared and Jensen look as tired as fuck. I’m not surprised. “Acting” this shit out probably put them to sleep. On that note, this episode should be turned into a sleeping aid, or maybe used in sleep studies. Instead of counting sheep, people could count the ways in which this is this episode sucks. Dean says that Cas called and he’s got a line on Metatron, Sam’s reluctant about leaving but he says some shit about calling in hunters to sort out all of the monsters and tells Ross to stay out of the hunting life.
Sam and Dean leave and then there’s some ridiculous scene where Ross gives us a voiceover about how he couldn’t leave things alone. He’s now wearing the engagement ring on a chain around his neck – presumably he thinks that a mugger will know the sentimental value behind it and just leave him alone. Then he gets a call from his previously-dead-but apparently-no-longer-dead father, who’s all like, ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IF YOU START HUNTING THE MONSTERS WILL KILL YOU?’
Thankfully it ended there.
If none of what I wrote makes any sense – join the club. It makes no sense to me either.
According to imdb this was the plot: Various mafia style monster families that, unknown to humans, run the underbelly of Chicago. The families are being tracked by a newly minted Hunter who’s trying to rid Chicago of anything or anyone supernatural.
MAFIA STYLE MONSTERS! Uh-huh. More like 80’s-made-for-TV-esque style monsters.
And it was written by Andrew Dabb. A three year old could probably write a better episode than Andrew Dabb at this point.
While the CW didn’t pick this up, they’re apparently open to trying another spin off. What the fuck for?! There’s already a Supernatural spin-off – all of the bullshit from season 6 onwards.
Sigh. Next up is episode 21 and more of this Metatron crap. Woo.