snarkview: 9×14, sam and dean are survivors


Hey, guys.

Episode title: CAPTIVES

What it should have been called: How Not To Captivate An Audience.

You know what I never noticed before? How disgusting the title card is? IT MAKES MY BRAIN ITCH.

credit: fiercelynormal.livejournal.com

HIDEOUS

Previously: I assume that Sam and Dean felt this way about each other (I know that Sam most certainly has this on his iPod).

Now that you’re out of my life,  so much better. You thought that I’d be weak without you. But I’m stronger. You thought that I’d be broke without you. But I’m richer. You thought that I’d be sad without you. I laugh harder. You thought I wouldn’t grow without you. Now I’m wiser. Though that I’d be helpless without you. But I’m smarter. You thought that I’d be stressed without you. But I’m chillin’. You thought I wouldn’t sell without you. Sold 9 million.

They’re survivors, guys. They’re not gon’ give up.

Or well, in this case ‘sell’ would be ‘kill’ and they’re probably way too incompetent to kill 9 million demons, bad guys, inhuman nieces/nephews/ex-girlfriends. Oh well.

There’s also some recap about how Sam and Dean got Kevin killed, and how that was sad (for about three people), and Sam saying some shit about how he wouldn’t stop Dean from dying.

Now: Dean is listening to some song and there’s static, and he calls Sam’s name. Sam comes running out but Dean has vanished. He grabs a sword and proceeds to do nothing with it. Eventually Dean shows up and shoots the spirit. Apparently their bunker is haunted.

“Why would a ghost take so long to get its funk on,” Dean asks, when Sam says that it’s got to be an older spirit. BECAUSE THE WRITERS ARE INCOMPETENT? Just a guess. It’ll probably turn out to be Kevin.

Sam stares at some weird looking thing with a bored look on his face. I think that’s how Jared actually spends his life, but with his phone instead. It would explain his Twitter. Dean takes over and bleats ‘Kevin, Kevin, Keeeeeeeeeeevin’ over and over again because no one’s around to betray him and make him cry. Or get rid of this ridiculous facial hair he’s currently sporting. Anyway, he continues to boohoohoo over how Kevin dying was his fault.

NO ONE CARES, DEAN. Get over it.

And then Kevin shows up. Shoot me. Apparently heaven is closed for business. Yay. Kevin wants them to find his mom, because she’s supposedly alive. OH LORD.

Sam can’t comprehend the fact that he and Dean are summoning a ghost called Candy. I can’t comprehend your haircut, buddy, so deal with it. They’re in a forest sitting around waiting for Candy. Sam says he feels a chill, Dean snipes that it’s cold. Riveting stuff. Eventually Candy appears and gives them a recount of her death. She basically was in contact with Mrs Tran WHO STILL SCREAMS LIKE A FUCKING BANSHEE. I saw the actress who plays her on an episode of My Wife And Kids and she was just as annoying there. Apparently Candy was the lover of a congressman who had a foot fetish…according to the gossip blogs. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Can we just go back to not giving Sam lines?

Oh and, supposedly everyone who works at a storage warehouse facility (I have no idea how they got this location from Candy, but whatever) wears hipster glasses.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

No.

They find a unit that belongs to Crowley AKA Daniel Webster. I don’t know what any of this means, but they find Kevin’s mom…who’s shrieking as usual. Samartypants (see what I did there?) Sam gets himself locked in there with her. By one of the hipster glasses-wearing workers of all people. Hipster Glasses then proceeds to knock Dean out.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Sam is too much of  a pussy to tell Ms (apparently it’s that now?!) Tran that Kevin is dead and then when he tries to she flips out and plays the denial card and demands a flashlight.

Hipster Glasses says some shit and whines about not being allowed to kill anyone. He’s a young vital demon with basic needs and rights. Crowley is harshing his groove.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Shut the fuck up.

Dean starts going on about how he and Crowley are best buds now and whoa, at some point Hipster Glasses killed his hipster glasses wearing co-worker. Oops. Hipster Glasses gets a little too excited and Sam turns up to save the day. Boooooooooooooooo.

Ms Tran then kills Hipster Glasses because that makes up for Sam and Dean getting her son killed. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

This is the most boring thing I have ever seen, seriously. I feel like I am taking a nap with my eyes open.  Ms Tran is reunited with her whiny son. Sam and Dean give her hunter’s tools. She apparently wants to take him home, blah, blah, blah who cares. Sam tries to make it about him by giving Kevin sad eyes when he’s talking about how they failed him. Yawn. Kevin makes them promise that they’ll get over it. It being the drama and fighting because it’s stupid. All I can think is that Kevin and his mom basically have the same haircut.

Sam walks off right after they leave, because promises mean nothing to him. LOL. Both he and Dean go into teenager mode and slink into their rooms to play music. I BET THAT SAM WAS JAMMING TO SURVIVOR.

I love how much time they have on their hands. Don’t they have people to save or something? Or things to hunt? Hmm.

Rating: YAWN.

Some other shit happened, but I just filed it under angel crap because that’s all it was. Boring, boring angel crap that no one with any taste cares about.

ANGEL CRAP.

Castiel turns up and roughs up some dude and says some shit, and that’s really all he does in the episode. He’s in a lot of these random one/two minute scenes. It’s like the writer wrote the episode and then had a sex dream about Castiel and was like HE MUST BE SEEN EVERY TWO MINUTES!!!!! Anyway he’s taken by some angel dudes and he seems to have some sort of fanboy, Bartholomew, who apparently killed all these “captives”.  What the fuck is this bullshit? For real. Angels killing shit. That’s all they fucking do on this show. In between talking about their boring bullshit. Castiel is crying over the death of someone called Rebecca, and her followers. His fanboy is looking for Metatron and he wants Castiel to help him. Blah, blah. They’ve spotted him three times on Earth blah, blah, blah, boring angel talk, blah, blah, another murder attempt, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, torture, blah, blah, Castiel thinks that he isn’t a murderer—-HAHAHAHAHA, RIGHT ON, DELUSIONSTIEL. Bartholomew starts punching Cas (fave scene tbh, one a scale of 1 to shit).

“Angels fighting angels has to stop somewhere,” Castiel says at one point. Yeah. Probably only after the last ever episode of this God forsaken piece of shit show. He kills Bartholomew, because….he’s not a murderer (except for the part where he is). After that he goes to some graveyard and says some patronising shit to Rebecca’s grave (whoever the fuck she is because, seriously). And then a bunch of suck-up angels show up and declare their allegiance to Castiel.

I don’t know what any of this is about but I know what to watch the next time I have trouble sleeping.

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5 comments

  1. So was Kevin a ghost or is he magically not dead now? Wait- I don’t give a shit never mind. Sam’s probably not cool enough to have a Destiny’s Child song on his iPod. I don’t really know any of their stuff (I live under a rock!) but it’s probably too cool for his whiny ass.
    The title card really is hideous. This entire show is hideous.
    How to make me watch a new episode: Have an ep start with Dean committing the biggest betrayal of all; he shaves Sam’s head in the midst of a drunken stupor (as opposed to his normal sober stupor). Then Sam gets all pissy and goes to kill Castiel and Crowley as revenge (I don’t know or care if that idea makes sense). Sam wanders the land in shame, waiting for his hair to grow back. After months of this he discovers he’s balding in four places and no longer feels he’s worthy of love. He then gets drunk and kills what’s-her-name (Felicia Day’s character). Dean eventually finds him with a paper bag over his head, declaring what a monster he’s become and that Dean needs to go on without him. Dean starts playing the Rick Astley song “Never Gonna Give You Up” and gives Sam a brown Rapunzel wig because that will fix everything. Sam is thrilled with this gift, so much in fact he throws his fanny pack filled with weapons on the ground. He gets in the car with Dean who unknowingly drives over the fanny pack of doom (or mercy depending on your outlook) and a grenade explodes, killing them both. THE END. Fuck this show.

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    1. Kevin was a sort of ghost who appeared randomly. It was really stupid. He’s always whining. Even in death.

      LOL. I love all of that. They should hire you as showrunner. At least the show would be entertaining. I felt like a century had passed during this episode. The scene with the wig and Rick Astley would surely get Jensen the Emmy nod that he quite clearly deserves, for being the least worst actor on a truly abysmal show. Apparently Felicia Day’s character has been banished to Australia, until they run out of ideas and bring her back at least.

      Fuck this show, is right. I’m just watching out of idle curiosity these days. Meh.

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  2. People criticized the Gamble Era but at least she had direction and something new. Carver’s story is so bland, slow as F#*%, repetitive and incoherent. This season has really great points, I’ll admit (like improved fight scenes, really great acting moments and filmography) but it has so much violations against the established lore and basically adds little to what the other two Eras built up.

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    1. Anytime I think about Gamble’s reign I come to the conclusion that they had ulterior motives for getting rid of her (Jensen was critical of her from the beginning of s6), and that the spn fandom being misogynistic was not a myth. Seasons 6 and 7 were not good, but like you say, they had something new and they were still kind of fun to at least hate watch. I’m not sure about improved fight scenes, the ones on the show always look terrible to me. And Jared and Jensen have both been awful in the little I’ve seen. I can only hope that they put the show out of its misery after season 10, but I can’t find it in myself to care much anymore.

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