The best time to quit a show is either right after a season premiere – “I’ll catch up later”, and then you NEVER DO – or, right before the finale because you can pretend that they didn’t fuck everything up beyond repair. Unfortunately when every episode of Supernatural is a lesson on How To Fuck Up The Show Even More, knowing when to quit is impossible. DO I QUIT TO SAVE MYSELF? OR DO I CONTINUE SO I CAN MOCK THESE PEOPLE AND CALL THEM STUPID JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.
We all know what choice I’m going with. I’m still half-quitting though. Ahem.
Anyway, finally watching the finale! Better late than…watching it at all, but I’m dense, you all know that. I’m a danger to myself.
What This Episode Was Called: Sacrifice
What It Should Have Been Called: The One Where The Writers Exceed All Previous Attempts At Ineptitude
UGH. WITHIN THE FIRST SECOND, I AM DEAFENED BY CARRY ON MY FUCKING WAYWARD SON SO I AM SKIPPING ALL OF THIS SHITTY RECAP BS.
Sheriff Mills appears to be on some sort of date with CROWLEY. Someone please save me. He says some shit about her dead son and husband and makes her cry.
“It’s not a date until I’ve cried,” she bleats.
And then she has some sort of stupid monologue to herself in the bathroom while Crowley attempts to kill her . Back in the restaurant, Crowley’s phone rings and his ringtone is BABY GOT BACK BY SIR-FUCKING-MIX-A LOT.
THIS ALONE IS A REASON TO QUIT THIS SHOW, GUYS.
He tells Dean that he has less than one minute before Sheriff Mills drops dead. Crowley wants the demon tablet. Dean negotiates for the angel tablet in return. Sam looks confused. I feel you, Sam. I feel you. Crowley wants to hear Dean says “I SURRENDER” because I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE just won’t cut it. Dean looks like he’s sucking a lemon.
~CRAPPY TITLE CARD~
We see KEVIN. He gives Dean and Sam the demon tablet and Dean gives him a key to a secret lair (convenient!) and says “no keggers”. Kevin says that he has no friends.
With hair like that, I’m really not surprised.
CASTIEL ASKS MAAAAAAAAARV what God was like. And I’m blanking out this entire conversation because they’re watching some dude sweep and it’s BORING.
But the second trial (EH?!) is retrieving Cupids Bow. Oh the “angel trial”. Yeah, still don’t give a fuck.
Sam and Dean pull into what looks like Bobby’s yard and Sam runs his hand across a soccer mum van longingly. Don’t worry Sam, one day. One day you’ll have your own method of transportation. ONE DAY.
Crowley agrees to swap the tablets and stop killing everyone that Sam and Dean have ever saved. You know, based on the evidence of the past three seasons, that list of people must be very short. Anyway, C-ley shows up with a long ass contract. Dean tries to imply that Sam can no longer read for himself. Sam bleats that he can read!!!!!! But uh for whatever reason, Dean attempts to read all of the fine print but alas, I think he loses a few brain cells in the process. Sam just looks confused. Still feeling you, Sam. I don’t think the script called for confused, but alas, Jared, you do what you gotta do, man.
Dean then slaps on some demonic handcuffs onto Crowley. OH SNAPPPPPP. Apparently Crowley is the third trial. SHOCK!!! HORRROR!!!! NO ONE SAW THIS COMING!!!! They need to cure a demon. And surprise, surprise they know how!!!
LUCKILY FOR THEM THIS WAS A NEW THING ONLY INTRODUCED IN THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry but ! can’t even with this shit.
MEANWHILE THE ANGELS HAVE FOUND CASTIEL!!!!!!! Castiel and Marv talk again. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Naomi shows up and tries to kill someone. This is really all I took from the scene. That’s basically all she does.
Sam and Dean take Crowley to some abandoned church and cuff him to a chair. Basically they want to “cure” Crowley and make him mortal…eh.
Sam then says, “FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME IT FEELS LIKE WE’RE GOING TO WIN”
YOU’VE JINXED IT NOW, SAM. SHAME ON YOU, YOU MORON.
Sam apparently needs to ask God (whom this show has spent the past gazillion seasons telling us how much he sucks and shit) for forgiveness (SO THAT HIS BLOOD IS PURE?) and he has no idea what to say. Apparently he’s only asked for forgiveness once. The same Sam that used to pray everyday?! IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE, LOL. Dean is full of suggestions, unsurprisingly.
So yeah, Sam goes to confession and Castiel shows up and asks Dean for help. Castiel wants Dean to leave and Dean’s all like, SAM IS A SNOWFLAKE I CAN’T LEAVE HIM WITH THE KING OF HELL. Sam shows up and tells Dean to leave.
THIS IS GOING TO END WELL. NOT.
Sam injects Crowley with his blood and then steps back and looks like there’s LEGO bricks in his mouth or something. BOTH OF HIS ARMS START GLOWING.
G L O W I N G
This has to be the most useless expenditure of budget money that I have ever witnessed. This glowing arm shit is fucking ridiculous. Sam just looks like he’s swallowed a couple of glow sticks that have bypassed his gastrointestinal system somehow. Unless of course his poop glows too.
That can be a storyline for next season.
Naomi has Marv. zzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzz. He says some shit. She says some shit and then tortures him.
Meanwhile, Dean and Cas try to get Kevin to translate the demon tablet. Kevin starts whining and whining until Castiel threatens him. This show should be renamed Superdoucheaunatural. .
DURING ANOTHER INJECTION, CROWLEY BITES SAM.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Sam has some sort of hissy fit and leaves. Crowley spits out the blood and chants some Latin shit and sends a message to da demon brethren.
I’M TEAM CROWLEY IN THIS EPISODE – (ETA: I AM RETRACTING THIS STATEMENT).
SAM IS STUPID
DEAN IS DUMB
CASTIEL IS A DOUCHE. And I fail at alliteration but it’s okay because the combined fail of this episode is worse than my fail.
Anyway, Dean and Castiel have some bullshit heart-to-heart that I didn’t listen to. They’re back at the bar and waiting for Cupid to show up. A woman comes in and makes conversation with the bartender. Dean remarks that this like the first five minutes of every porno he’s ever seen. He must have seen some boring porn, or like different versions Big Dicks in Hicksville or something. The woman leaves and the bartender connects with a man drinking at the bar. Dean is all shocked because gay people don’t exist in his world or something. Thanks for that writers, I’m laughing my fucking ass off here.
Abbadon shows up and is all “HELLO, BOYS”. Crowley says that’s his line. Can they both just shut the fuck up? Jeez. Sam basically fucks everything up and Abbadon flings him around and knocks him down. Crowley seems to think that she answers to him. She does not. She proceeds to knock the shit out of him.
YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB, CROWLEY.
Castiel and Dean intimidate/catch up with the woman (Cupid!!) from the bar (apparently she took the long way out?) and Castiel demands that she gives him his bow. She says some shit and eventually gives them the damn bow.
YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS EPISODE? (Besides the fact that this show is fucking awful, that is.)
THEY ALL NEED TO JUST SHUT UP AND START TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER IN SILENCE PLEASE
THIS INCLUDES CROWLEY, DESPITE MY CURRENT ALLEGIANCE TO HIM (ETA: RETRACTING THIS BECAUSE CROWLEY SUCKS).
Sam finally wakes up and splashes holy oil on Abbadon. “Nice suit,” he says. Oh Sam. Just shut up. She escapes. Sometime later, Crowley starts banging on about HBO. And he compares himself to a character from Girls. HE JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED. Writers, come on. This is pathetic, even for you guys.
I seriously hope that Crowley is taking the piss and that he isn’t becoming all human.
Naomi shows up and reveals that Metatron (MAAAAAAAAARV) is really trying to expel all of the angels from Heaven. Metatron was out for revenge or something and that’s what the angel trials are for. That’s just…the dumbest fucking thing that I’ve ever heard.
If Sam completes the trials, HE WILL DIE.
Sam’s just about to complete them but DEAN STOPS HIM.
Naomi dies because SHE HAS A VAGINA AND BOOBS and this is Supernatural, where being female is an automatic death sentence.
I love how Marv is really EVUL. NO ONE SAW THAT ONE COMING EITHER. /eyeroll. Sigh. Marv steals Castiel’s angel juice. Oh well. He’s been there and done that. He’ll survive. He tells Castiel to get married and have babies.
Ugh. Excuse me while I hurl.
Anyway, Dean’s all like, if you finish the trials, you’ll die and Sam is like SO?!
EXACTLY SAM!!! YOU’RE TIRED OF BEING WALLPAPER. COMPLETE THE TRIAL!! DIE!!
So yeah, Sam is delirious. Instead of knocking him out and putting all of us all of our misery, Dean talks. And talks. And talks. And ohhhhhhhhhhh Sam confessed to letting Dean down repeatedly!
CRY MORE, SAM. CRYYYYYYYY MORRRRRRRRE. My heart bleeds for you.
Jensen’s mouth is just contorting in the weirdest way during his whole SAM YOU’RE MY BROTHER ETC WAH WAH SNOWFLAKE OUR LOVE IS SO STRONG BS. It’s distracting. He looks like he’s trying to fit a protractor in his mouth.
Sam lets go of all of that trial hoodoo power or whatever and then collapses.
The whole episode basically descends into a bigger farce after that and angels start falling from the sky, like they’re Superman. There’s even a shot of a windswept Castiel looking at the sky.
Sam somehow manages to become coherent enough to ask “WHAT’S HAPPENING?”
AW, WHY, WHAT, WHEN, WHO! He’s healing already!
“Angels,” Dean says. “They’re falling.”
This is actually one of the worst episodes of any show that I’ve ever seen. The editing was seriously appalling. The writing is always appalling so I won’t comment on that. The acting was woeful. It was just….bad. Ugh.
Onto season 9. Sigh.