I literally finished the episode and instantly, I had no idea what the fuck went on. They crammed like four different storylines into the episode or whatever, because that’s how to make good TV.
Previously: Sam got Crazy Martin killed but was too busy whining about how Dean played him to really give a shit. Dean growled in defence of his BFF Benny. We unfortunately finally saw Amelia in present day and well, zero fucks were given on my end of things.
In this episode: THE WRITERS REVERSE THE JESS RETCON. SAM TRIES AND FAILS TO CONVINCE ANYONE THAT HE’S IN LOVE WITH AMELIA. DEAN…HARASSES KEVIN. CAS…DOES STUFF. CROWLEY IS BORING. CROWLEY 2.0 IS ALSO MUNDANE. HEAVENLY SECRETARY RETURNS! MATT FROM BUGS RETURNS. Kevin doesn’t die. And one more special thing.
What The Episode Was Called: Torn and Frayed
What It Should Have Been Called: Bye, Bye, Bye/Don’t wanna be your fool/In this game for two/So I’m leavin’ you behind/No Strings Attached/Any relevant song Nsync title.
The episode start off with a horrible recap set to some song that I don’t like. It’s a mixture of pointless season 7 and 8 scenes highlighting the fact that Supernatural has the worst special effects on television at the moment. So yeah, Leviathans, blah blah, Purgatory, the dead ferret on Sam’s head, Vagrant!Cas, Whiny!Kevin, Shrieking!Mrs Tran, Crappy!Crowley, Boring!Benny, Manic!Martin and Amelia.
We didn’t need a fucking reminder.
Then we’re in some torture place, and Matt From Bugs is being tortured for information on…well, who knows. Maybe pizza flavours or sports scores or Justin Bieber’s latest haircut?
Sam’s sitting in some motel room all by himself. I assume that he’s having some sort of intense inner monologue about whether or not he can convince Amelia to bake him cupcakes. Or singing, I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! to Dean in his head. It’s hard to tell. There’s a knock on the door and obviously it’s….Dean. That was surprisingly more obvious than it should have been. I don’t like Dean but hey, you have to admire someone who constantly chases after his bitch of a little brother, right? Wrong.
Anyway, Sam opens the door, then decides to shut it, and then decides not to shut it and he lets Dean. Wow Sammy, you’re so decisive. They argue about Amelia and Crazy Martin and Benny. Sam’s says something along the lines of WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO JESSICA, WHY WOULD YOU USE THE WOMAN I LOVE TO GET ME OUT OF THE WAY, DEAN. OMG. Oh so you do remember Jess, Sam. Dean’s just like he had no choice blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Sam’s just like OMG DEAN HOW CAN YOU DEFEND A VAMPIRE. RUDE. Lol, the same Sam who defended a demon not so long ago. If only Dean had receipts. Sam basically tells Dean that it’s him or Benny and Dean uses his brain for once and leaves. Honestly, Dean? You could have won Sam over easily with a selection of deliciously baked goods.
Cas heals a baby. Like, he shows up in a park, in his trenchcoat and touches this baby. I mean, the kid was crying and shit and the mother was frazzled but that’s just creepy, Cas. Creeper!Cas is whisked off to a secret, heavenly meeting with Heavenly Secretary Naomi. He suddenly remembers all those meetings that he’s supposed to remember not to remember that he’s not supposed to be remembering. Naomi demands that he return Matt From Bugs to heaven.
We cut to Matt From Bugs being tortured. I’m not sure what the relevancy of this is. But then he starts saying some enochian shit and some man somewhere is set on fire.
Back in Kermit, Texas, Amelia shows up and she’s all like I JUST CAME TO THE BAR TO MAKE SURE THAT IT WAS REALLY YOU BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY EYES. Sam’s just like, “Uh, okay.” And then he tries to speak but Amelia keeps cutting him off. I mean, that’s what I heard it has until she’s all like, OMG SAM, I KEEP ON FINISHING YOUR SENTENCES!!!! THIS TRUE WUV AND YOU KNOW IT. Oh….you were finishing his sentences? More like hijacking them, hun, but okay. Sam tries to say something else (I honestly don’t remember) and she HIJACKS HIS SENTENCE AGAIN and launches herself at him and Sam responds because he like, totally loves her, bro. He loves her like he loves his cup salads.
So yeah, Amelia lets Sam touch her produce.
Back at Dean’s motel, Dean is sleeping and glowing like an orange under soft, warm light. And Cas appears and….great, another LOL!! CAS IS WATCHING DEAN SLEEP AGAIN, OMG DESTIEL moment. Dean wakes up and gets a fright and growls at Cas. After Dean informs Cas that Sam is gone (for what must be the millionth time now *eyeroll*), Cas enlists Dean’s help and they go to investigate the burning man. I have no idea what happened there. Cas tries to say that they need Sam but Dean disagrees.
Aw, poor baby is upset.
There’s more scenes of Matt From Bug’s being tortured. Oh and Crappy!Crowley shows up and says some inane, boring shit. Seriously, first it was Mark Pellegrino and now it’s Mark Sheppard. Doesn’t he have a better show to be on? I’m sure there are 9303003+ shows that require an evil, British baddie at the moment.
Back at Sam’s Motel Room in Kermit, Texas, Amelia emerges in what I assume is Sam’s shirt and she’s all like, “I still hate motel rooms” or something. Which is obviously a nod to the time where her and Sam were
sexing each other up courting in their motel rooms. Sam’s just like:
Amelia carries on talking and Sam’s all like, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? THAT THE SEX WAS GREAT, THAT WHAT WE HAVE IS TRUE WUV, THAT I REALLY WANT A PIECE OF CAKE WHAT.
Way to be a douche Sam.
Amelia says some shit about how it’s hard to be over a previously-dead-but-no-longer-dead husband. And that she thinks about [something] when she wakes up/before she goes to bed but if Sam’s stayed she’d be with him. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I mean, I’m preeeeeeettty sure that the fact that her husband travels a lot has nothing to do with her choice. Really, pretty sure. Sam says some shit about how she wouldn’t like this other life that he never talks about. Or maybe she says that. Clearly Amelia is confused. The Peen’O’Death has mindfucked her beyond belief. She would dump her previously-dead-but-no-longer-dead-husband for Sam, who upped and left her and didn’t call AND has another part of his life that she knows fuck all about?
Brain cell count: 1
Of course, this is the same Sam who cried for like five years over the fact that he never told Jessica the truth.
Brain cell count: -2930303338383.
Amelia, you can do better. Maybe find someone you have chemistry with? Someone who doesn’t just want you for your produce and cake-procuring abilities.
Sam’s just lying there shirtless looking nonplussed lol, and she’s all like, “LOOK SAM, IF YOU LEAVE AGAIN, I NEED YOU TO NOT COME BACK BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING ME UP AND EATING MY BRAIN CELLS AND I CAN’T COPE. And presumably she leaves and Sam’s like:
Meanwhile, Dean is now aboard Fizzles’ Folly. Garth’s safe boat named after this fucking thing.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. NO.
Anyway, Kevin is there deciphering the demon tablet. I thought this kid was a genius prophet! How the fuck hasn’t he finished yet? Or is this SPN LOGIC, one month is only really a day in their universe? Probably. Thankfully he sent his Mom away because she was distracting. But of course within three minutes he’s whining about god knows what and just somebody KILL HIM PLEASE.
Dean gets bored and starts saying “I think your mom is hot.” to Kevin, even though the kid has headphones on and he says some other shit and just…
Cas shows up with Sam in tow and Dean’s all like,WE DON’T NEED HIM!!!!! Sam’s all like, I’M GONE WHEN THIS OVER ANYWAY!!!! Or something. I stopped paying attention.
They locate Matt From Bugs and Crowley escapes, Crowley’s Friend is killed and, Cas frees Matt From Bugs who foolishly proceeds to inform him that he gave the demon’s information that he didn’t even know he’d had. CAS IS IMMEDIATELY WHISKED OFF TO A HEAVENLY MEETING and at some point he spends like five minutes cowering in the corner looking like he’s just seen a giant tarantula or something. Naomi says some shit about how Cas has to kill Matt From Bugs and remember that he chose to do it of his own accord…because Matt From Bugs gave the demons information about the…angel tablet. ANGEL TABLET.
Points for originality, writers. Nil points. Anyway, Castiel kills Matt From Bugs before Sam and Dean can stop him. When they ask him what happened, Naomi feeds him lines and says that Matt From Bugs was ‘compromised’. Then he takes Matt From Bugs somewhere and Sam and Dean bond over the the fact that Castiel is Not Okay.
Fast forward to the end and it’s Dean sitting there with a wistful look on his face. I suppose the writers were going for suspense so I guess I’m meant to be all like, OMG SAM WHERE’S SAM OMG HE CAN’T HAVE LEFT at this point. Yeah, no. It was more along the lines of WHY WON’T THIS PIECE OF SHIT EPISODE END ALREADY, GOSH.
Thankfully, it cuts to Amelia entering Sam’s motel room and being met with nothing. Oh well.
And this occurs after Dean tells Benny that they can’t be BFF’s anymore. Which would be okay if Benny hadn’t needed his help or whatever. Oh welllll. When BFF Benny and True Wuv Amelia die/kill someone we’ll get some good ol’ Emochester angst. Until then…
BUT WHO CARES!!!!! DEAN PICKED SAM!!!! SAM PICKED DEAN!!!! And of course he was so in love with his true wuv that he decided a text or phone call would be too painful for her. So the moral of this story is….be a douchebag to the person who “had your back/loved you” because your douchebag brother is a whiny bastard.
I love this show.
Episode Rating: n/a because I listened more than watched. AND I HAD NSYNC IN MY HEAD THE WHOLE TIME.
IF YOU WANT IT HERE’S MY HEAAAAART, NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
Upcoming episodes (for me anyway): The Felicia Day Show ft The Ponytail of Doom and…John’s father shows up and apparently knows all about demons and shit. OH AND ONE WHERE A MAN IS APPARENTLY MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO USED TO BE HIS DOG. Ugh. I can wait a long time for those episodes. Possibly forever. But because I’m a moron, the fast forward option will just have to be my bestest friend instead when I can summon the energy to sit through another episode.