snarkview: 8×09, the one where Sam is the dumbest moron alive.

PREVIOUSLY: Dean has a friend called Benny, who happens to be a vampire that Sam wants to kill. Sam’s true wuv’s dead husband turned out not to be dead.

In this episode, the two collide. JAZZ HANDS! This will be GR8.
What The Episode Was Called: Citizen Fang
What It Should Have Been Called: The One Where Sam Winchester Is A Dumbfuck.

Note; I am a Sam fan but yeah, he was dumb in this episode so I’m gonna be bitchy about him OKAY. Blame Vet Lady and Sam’s actions.

The episode starts off with Benny in some bar. He’s still in his atrocious outfit. And he’s all friendly with the female bartender. Oh and he gives some old dude permission to ask her out because he’s insane. The camera pans to some man hiding out in another booth. IT’S JOHN’S OLD FRIEND GUYS!!!!! Martin from Sam, Interrupted. You know, the crazy hunter that doesn’t hunt anymore. What could he POSSIBLY be doing watching Benny? GOD, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

He follows Benny out of the bar and into the woods or something and trips over a body that’s been killed….BY A VAMPIRE!!!


We’re with Sam and Dean. Dean gets back to the impala with a tray full of food or something. ANOTHER REFERENCE/NOD TO PREVIOUS SEASONS WHEN DEAN USED TO EAT! That shit still cracks me up. Sam’s all like “WE HAVE A VAMPIRE JOB OKAY, YOU CAN’T EAT THAT”. Dean is dismayed until Sam mentions that he’s been tracking Benny. No wait, he got another hunter to track Benny. MARTIN!!! WHO’s BEEN OUT OF MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR A WHOLE MONTH! Dean is even more dismayed. But Sam doesn’t care. He just wants to kill Benny because Martin is sure that Benny is the vampire killing people.

Sam, you’re so smart.

fbThe first flashback is with Sam and Amelia, they both whimper some shit about how they don’t want to give up on their lifeless relationship. What they have feels so right. They’re breaking my heart, really. How much cake did she buy Sam?? Because Cake = HAPPINESS in the world of Sam Winchester.

I wish the dog would just fucking trample all over that fucking cake so I have an excuse for laughing hysterically at this scene LOL



Back in present day, Sam and Dean meet up with Martin and Dean pretty much detects his level of batshit. He calls Sam “Sammy” and asks for three hours to prove that Benny isn’t the one killing people. Sam agrees for some strange reason. Maybe he suddenly gives a shit that he’s basically made Dean drive to Louisiana to kill his only friend. Maybe he just needs some cake and tea and a good ol’ flashback. Martin is not happy about this at all, cause he’s crazy. He can’t fathom the thought of Dean being friends with a vampire. It’s 2012 buddy. Move with the times. Sam declares that sometimes things aren’t what they seem. How insightful, Sammy.


Flashback. Look, I think it was here, but I don’t know okay. Sam’s at a bar. And Don’s (PREVIOUSLY DEAD HUSBAND WHO’S NO LONGER DEAD) at the bar. The two of them have some depressing, boring conversation about how one of their asses is getting ditched. In my mind, they played heads or tails to decide which one of them didn’t have to suffer through life with Vet Lady.

Back in present day, Dean catches up with Benny and it turns out the girl in the bar is his….great-granddaughter.



Even so.


Anyway Benny or Roy, as he’s calling himself, tells Dean that some other vampire is killing people. In fact Dean catches up with Benny as he’s checking out the second body. He says that he’ll take care of it. Instead of sticking around and helping Benny out, Dean goes back to Sam and Crazy Martin. He tells them that there’s a second body but Benny isn’t the killer.

Gee, smart move Dean.

Somehow this turns into Dean defending Benny and growling HE’S THE ONLY ONE THAT’S NEVER LET ME DOWN. Okay, so lemme get this straight. You have a crazy man in the room, and a brother who can’t handle the fact that you trust a fucking vampire more than you trust him. Is it really wise for you to pick this particular moment to reiterate that, DEAN? IS IT. Sam isn’t happy about this. Just shut up Sam. Go cut your hair. Anyway, in the end Martin knocks Dean out.

Sam is not impressed. But he still leaves the motel to go and kill Benny and he tries to rein Martin in. TOO LATE SAM, TOO LATE. THIS IS WHAT YOU GETTING FOR BEING A FUCKING MORON. As they’re getting into a car, Sam looks at the road and has a flashback. I don’t know which one it is. I just wanted him to get run over.

Uh, Dean manages to free himself from where they cuffed him to a pipe. And he warns Benny and okay, I hate Benny and I don’t like Dean but FINALLY SOMEONE IS USING THEIR INITIATIVE!!!!!!! And yeah, by the time Sam and Crazy Livin’ La Vida Loca Martin get there Benny has gone. AND THEN, SAM GETS A TEXT. It says it’s from Amelia and reads: SAM I NEED HELP, COME QUICK. So what does Sam do? He leaves Crazy Martin armed and on his own and jumps into his car and makes his way to Kermit, Texas. Kermit the fucking Frog has more brains than Sam, honestly. On his way, he has another flashback.


He’s packing a bag and Amelia walks and asks what he’s doing. HE’S TOUCHING YOUR PRODUCE BITCH. Nah, just kidding, he’s packing a bag. He’s leaving because he can’t stand in the way of true wuv. Amelia starts going on about how Don got to him blah blah blah but Sam says that he’s doing the right thing.

Oh who gives a shit. Does this mean the man in the first episode watching Sam drive away was PREVIOUSLY DEAD BUT NO LONGER DEAD HUSBAND? Boring.

Back in present day, Dean’s back with Benny and they’re catching the vampire. I somehow thought Dean was Sam and started yelling DIE, SAM, DIE because this is what happens when I watch spn when I should be sleeping. The vampire attacks Dean and bites his neck and he’s going in for the kill when Benny SAVES THE DAY!! And then Dean just has the nerve to stand there bleeding like Benny isn’t a fucking vampire.

I really wanted him to eat Dean just for that. And for my own personal amusement.

So that’s over, and Benny says some shit about his great granddaughter. Dean growls some shit back and Benny leaves.
Back at Amelia’s house, Amelia is fine. Not just fine, she’s fine with Don. Sam sits parked in front of the window and cries or something. I laughed my fucking head off. LOL, the best part is that Sam girls were sad that Amelia turned out to be real. So, Sam imagining himself shacking up with a widow and wanting to be with a figure of imagination over his own brother was okay. But her being real is so much worse.

I LOVE SPN LOGIC. Seriously though, Amelia got Don back and Sam got Dean back. EVERYBODY SHOULD BE HAPPY. Cheer up, Sam. Maybe Dean will buy you cake if you ask nicely.

Crazy Martin either calls Dean or Dean calls him because Sam is too busy crying in a stolen car to check up on Martin. Well fucking done Sam. Anyway, Dean tells Crazy Martin that it’s sorted. And wisely, he tells Crazy Martin to get a new career. GO DEAN. He’s too late though because Crazy Martin is using Benny’s spawn’s phone and he’s back at the bar/cafe.


Crazy Martin calls Benny and threatens to kill the girl if he doesn’t come back. Obviously Benny comes back and he pleads for her life and even manages to restrain himself when Crazy Martin makes her bleed. Crazy Martin demands to chop Benny’s head off. Benny steps forward and puts his head on the line so to speak. Now, I’m all for Benny dying, but not at the hands of Crazy Martin, lol. That’s like, Cinderella killing the Joker or something. A complete mismatch. Anyways. We don’t get to see what happens.

Great-granddaughter calls Dean and she’s crying and shit and covered in blood and he races back. And when he arrives……CRAZY MARTIN IS DEAD!!!!!!!!! And where is Sam?

At a bar. Drowning his sorrows or whatever. At no point does he stop and think, HEY, MARTIN IS KINDA CRAZY AND I JUST ABANDONED HIM MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK ON HIM. Idiot. Then again, he only realises then that it wasn’t Amelia who sent the message. He calls the number and…DEAN PICKS UP.


Sam is not impressed. Dean’s all unapologetic though, even tells Sam that he’s had it set up for a while. Sam barely remembers to ask about Martin and doesn’t seem to care when Dean says that Martin is dead. Sam asks if it was Benny and Dean tells him that it was and tries to explain that Crazy Martin got his own stupid ass killed but Sam cuts off. Sam’s such a bitch, lol.

Anyway Sam, turns to leave and oh look, it’s Amelia!!! “I KNEW IT WAS YOU!” She exclaims, like Sam isn’t 10 ft tall with hair that’s so long and big that you literally can’t miss it. Or it was probably their true wuv connection. OR MAYBE SHE WAS BAKING. The possibilities are endless. Sam pulls his best shocked face. So basically the puppy dog thing.



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