Haven’t watched the episode yet as I write this…again. But anyway, I happened to see Jared’s tweet about Miley Cyrus’ hair. JARED COMMENTING ON SOMEONE ELSE’S HAIR. WHEN HIS LOOKS LIKE SASQUATCH’S WOULD AFTER AN INCOMPLETE BRAZILIAN BODY WAX.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Naturally, I took the liberty of compiling this:
Besides, I’m pretty sure that if Jared doesn’t get a haircut between now and the filming of the season 8 finale he’s pretty much going to end up with Miley’s old hairstyle anyway.
I SHOULD JUST END THIS HERE BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DUMBEST, STUPIDEST, SHITTIEST, BORING, POINTLESSLY STUPID AND ANNOYING EPISODE OF SUPERNATURAL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
ROBBIE THOMPSON, WE MEET AGAIN. NOT CONTENT WITH MAKING US SUFFER THROUGH AN EPISODE OF FELICIA DAY, YOU MADE US ALL SUFFER THROUGH AN EPISODE WITH WHINY, ANNOYING, STUPID, COLLEGE BRATS. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.
What The Episode Was Called: Bitten
What It Should Have Been Called: I honestly don’t even fucking care. It shouldn’t exist.
Sigh. So everyone’s been buzzing about the found footage episode. EXCEPT IT ISN’T FOUND FOOTAGE AT ALL REALLY IS IT? IT’S LEFT THERE INTENTIONALLY FOR SAM AND DEAN.
The episode starts off with a room covered in blood. YAY. Sam and Dean burst in find three bodies and are all, “Well look’s like we’re too late.”
YOU DON’T SAY.
They spot a computer in the distance with a cute little post it on it that says, “PLAY ME” or something dumb like that. Naturally, they play the video and there’s a line of text that says “THIS SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED” Oh just get to the damn video already. Geez.
We’re then introduced to our main characters. I’ll call them Douche (the dark haired kid), Douchier (the tall guy) and Blonde Girl (….the blonde girl). We soon find out that they are the most obnoxious, annoying people ever to exist. Douche and Douchier are filming in some sort of Starbucks knock-off and being douchebags. In the real world, someone would fucking take their cameras and punch them in the faces but alas, it’s not the real world. They start filming themselves and the people in Not-Quite-Starbucks and eventually some girl comes over and SHE’S OMG SO TURNED ON BY MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO WORK A CAMERA!!!111!!
We’re then treated to a montage of the trio, Douche wants to work for HBO, Douchier…wants to do something douchey and Blonde Girl wants to do the bar in New York in five years time. That’s nice. Am I supposed to care about these assholes?
BTW, BLONDE GIRL IS TOTES IN LOVE!!!!!!11 ❤ WITH DOUCHIER. We know this because 50% of her dialogue consists of "Baby".
There's more waffle. Their neighbour dies and they don't care they're just filming it all. They spot Sam and Dean. They film some more. They spot Sam and Dean again and Douchier says he's getting some workplace romance vibes.
Hello, wincest reference. That's not getting old at all.
More nonsense happens and Douchier gets bitten by something. SADLY HE DOESN'T DIE. HE TURNS INTO A WEREWOLF. Oh, I must have missed the Supernatural does Teen Wolf memo. If I wanted to watch a show about mostly annoying teens, I’d watch that instead. Douchier celebrates this fact by balancing Blonde Girl on one hand.
Douche is jealous however and he’s all, I’M TIRED OF BEING PIGGY! Or whatever the fuck he said. He’s apparently some sort of loser with nothing in his life and he wants lots of ass. You don’t need a bite, Douche, you just need to stop being a douche. STOP FILMING UNSUSPECTING PEOPLE YOU CREEPER. Anyway, Douche begs Douchier to bite him but Douchier says no. Douche then has some sort of tantrum and he throws some shit off the table.
Meanwhile Sam and Dean are still walking around mostly doing nothing at all. Sigh. Dean does growl at a couple of people though.
Eventually they turn up at Douche, Douchier and Blonde Girl’s house and ask some questions about the neighbour who’d been bitten. Blonde Girl gets the whole thing on her camera and SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE. They’re all narcissists aren’t they? Motherfuckers. After Sam and Dean leave she plays back a recording of Sam wondering if they’re dealing with a Mayan God.
…..cue cries of I’M A GOD!!!!!11111 from Douchier as Douche and Blonde Girl dance around with him.
Douchier then films himself in the mirror for no real reason at all—-oh wait, HE’S A GOD SO IT’S ALLOWED. As he’s filming he transforms into a werewolf. TEETH! SHOCKING!!! LET ME GO AND STROKE MY GIRLFRIENDS FACE WITH MY CLAWS BECAUSE WE ARE IN ~LOVE.
Douchier gets hungry. He eats. And eats. And eats some more. And then he runs out of food. He goes out to buy some and some asshole who goes to the same college as him is out there filming (SERIOUSLY IS EVERYONE IN THIS TOWN SURGICALLY ATTACHED TO THEIR CAMERAS? IT IS A FOUND FOOTAGE EPISODE, I GET IT OKAY. BUT NOT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SCENE HAD TO BE SHOT WITH A FUCKING CAMERA SO YOU COULD HAVE SINGLE FUCKING SCENE SHAKY. AND APPARENTLY THINGS LIKE TRIPODS ARE NOT NECESSARY WHEN YOU’RE IN A DAMN STATIONARY POSITION. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH FOR GIVING ME A HEADACHE) with his asshole friends about how they’re going to protect the town from the mysterious biter.
Douchier runs away from Asshole and then Asshole chases him and Douchier bites him. Douchier then turns up the next day as Douche is filming Blonde Girl for the umpteenth time. OH EM GEE HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD! Blonde Girl and Douche go out to investigate WITH THEIR CAMERAS OF COURSE. And the real police just stand by and let this happen as Sam and Dean walk around pretending to FBI. Apparently Douchier ate someone’s heart. Naughty, naughty.
Douche practically runs back to the house screaming DID YOU EAT THAT GUY’S HEART, DID YOU!! And Blonde Girl is all like, OMG I’M IN LOVE WITH DOUCHIER SO STOP YELLING AT HIM NOW! Douchier just cries.
Somehow this leads to them stalking Sam and Dean in order to find answers. YAY. Dean eats a burger. Sam questions Dean’s burger obsession (because you know, Dean didn’t over indulge in burgers before he went to Purgatory). They talk about the case, blah, blah, blah. And according to Douche they talk about how they were apart for a year. Which totally reinforces the office romance theory.
Hello, wincest reference. Again. It’s still not old.
While everything is happening, Douche cracks the case somehow. Maybe this was explained but I had started laughing hysterically at that point because this episode sucks. I actually think that watching Twilight would be a better use of time than watching this shit. Anyway, he turns up at his professors office and is all, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. I KNOW IT WAS YOU! SEE I FOUND YOUR PIN. There’s more talking blah, blah, blah. Douche still wants the bite because he’s a douche. Professor Werewolf tells him how awful it is but alas Douche still takes the bite. And he shows up back at the house and is all happy about it.
Douchier is not impressed. Douche plays the video footage of Sam and Dean turning up to kill Professor Werewolf AND I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING AT SAM IN THIS SCENE. HE’S JUST HUDDLED UP BY A WALL AS DEAN SHOOTS PROFESSOR WEREWOLF AND SERIOUSLY. Why are you doing this to me show, why are you making a mockery out of my favourite character? FOR THE LOVE OF SAM’S HAIR, STOP.
Douchier is still unimpressed. He and Douche start to fight and whoops, Douche kills him. Blonde Girl is distraught! So naturally Douche decides that this is the right time for him to announce that he’s in love with her.
DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO BROS BEFORE HOES? What kind of douchebag are you?
Blonde girl is not impressed. So Douche decides to bite her so she can see. Sigh. After he does it she locks herself in the bathroom then cries for like five hours.
Eventually she comes out and says that she sees it now. AND THEN SHE KILLS DOUCHE!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!
We then cut to her saying that she didn’t make the video to absolve herself of any guilt. WELL YOU DID JUST KILL A PERSON. SO. YOU KNOW. THAT’S NICE. She pleads her case, she didn’t do anything wrong. Besides killing Douche. She’s not going to kill anyone, she can survive on animal hearts, she’s not a threat blah blah blah THE END.
We cut back to Sam and Dean in present day watching the video. Dean’s all like, “Well, that’s okay then. She won’t kill anyone! Let’s go.” Sam basically says…exactly that and Dean agrees and Sam’s surprised and I’m like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. DID DEAN LOSE HIS BALLS BETWEEN EPISODE TWO AND THIS EPISODE? SINCE WHEN DOES DEAN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ~MONSTER FEELINGS.
But he’s more concerned about whether or not he says awesome a lot.
Fuck you, Dean.
The episode ends with Blonde Girl walking down a set of tracks leading to….nowhere. I kind of hope that a train turned up out of nowhere and knocked her down and somehow ripped her heart out. Her hairstyle was fucking irritating.
Grade: W for WOEFUL/ WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH. The best part of this episode was the BTS video that the guy who played Douche posted of him and Jared playing ping pong on set. I have nothing to say even. I just need to go slap myself for an hour to revive my brain.
Next week: I have no idea what happens. SOMEBODY PLEASE RECTIFY THIS. Wait. Is this the Blood Brothers one? There’s probably going to be Growl-Off between Dean and Benny. Yay.