I pretty much just finished watching the episode a few hours ago and all I know is that some Mayan God was ripping out people’s hearts in order to stay young forever. That’s basically it. Oh and Jensen’s dad shows up and has some boring, overly long conversation with Sam and Dean about something or other. JENSEN’S DAD, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Alan Ackles is an amazing actor known for….well, I’ve only ever seen him in Devour.
I’ll just stop talking about him now.
What The Episode Was Called: Heartache
What It Should Have Been Called: HEADACHE
Questions:
WHY IS SAM’S HAIR NOW TAKING UP A THIRD OF THE SCREEN?
LOOK AT THE HAIR DOING IT AGAIN!!
WHY DO THEY KEEP GIVING JENSEN SHITTY EPISODES TO DIRECT?
Oh yes. This episode was directed by Jensen for those of you lucky enough to have not been bombarded by this information. I wonder if they had a 10 day #JensenAcklesWeek (TRUE STORY) on Twitter this year? AND, GUYS JENSEN DIRECTED SO IT’S OMG!!11 AMAZING!!111
I like Jensen, I really do. But out of the three he’s done this is the worst one, lol. It’s not his fault but damn.
Which leads me to my next question….whose idea was it to let the same people who wrote Route 666 (Racist Killer Truck!!) to ever write again?
NO ONE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT EPISODE.
AND Y’KNOW, THIS EPISODE DIDN’T REDEEM THEM IN ANYWAY.
And to the person who came up with “Well, Thor he ain’t.” line: fuck off lol. I’m still facepalming over that mess with Thor’s hammer.
I don’t even know what this is. IS THIS SNARK? Or has Supernatural finally broken me.
I’m broken.
Anyway all throughout the episode Sam kept on saying incoherent shit like, “I had a chance to be normal and I liked it and as soon as we’ve found the tablet I’m done hunting because I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL EVEN THOUGH I’VE TRIED THIS BEFORE AND THE PEOPLE I FUCKING CARE ABOUT END UP DEAD BUT I HAVE APPARENTLY SUFFERED TOO MANY KNOCKS ON THE HEAD. OR MY HAIR IS BLOCKING MY BRAIN CELLS AND I CAN NO LONGER THINK STRAIGHT, OMG LIFE WITHOUT YOU DEAN WAS SO PERFECT!”
Really. Like, are you fucking kidding me. Retcon season 6 or 7, I don’t give a fuck. HOW CAN YOU PRETEND LIKE SEASON 1 EVENTS NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.
FIVE SEASONS OF WHINING ABOUT JESS, STANFORD AND HIS NORMAL LIFE BUT SUDDENLY HE’S ONLY EVER HAD ONE CHANCE TO BE NORMAL?
UGH. I can’t anymore. I just can’t.
It got a thousand times worse at the end during the F L A S H B A C K when his girlfriend surprises him with a picnic and a birthday cake. LOL. I’m assuming Jess never got him one or…maybe she just doesn’t even register in his mind anymore.
Dean, on the other hand. Dean’s like, he’s like those customer assistants in stores that offer their presence/assistance when all you want to is just shop on your own. All throughout the ep he was all, OH WE’RE BACK ON THE ROAD, WE’RE FREE TO BE WHATEVER WE WANT TO BE! WE’RE BACK HUNTING! ISN’T THIS GREAT! ISN’T IT?
Sam basically says “fuck no.”
Dean persists.
Sam keeps on reiterating his “fuck no.”
Dean continues to persist.
I don’t even really like Dean that much anymore (too much crying in that one season, too much growling, too much assholery) but…this is just ridiculous. WHERE’S BADASS IDGAF!DEAN FROM PURGATORY. If Sam doesn’t want him there why doesn’t he just go?
LOL. It’s not even his fault that the writers are making Sam look like a dick while woobifying him.
But hey! Hey. Dean downloaded a translation app by himself. See Dean, you don’t even need Sam anymore! Just move on and walk into a river or something like Sam did in that one episode. Or BUY HIM A GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKE EVERY DAY. That is the key to Sam’s happiness. CAKE. In a suspiciously brightly coloured field.
There’s probably an app for that.
There’s got to be an app for that because we have twenty more episodes of this shit.
God help us.
I can’t even comprehend Carver’s two (or was it three?) year plan right now. Imagine the ending. Sam’ll probably wake up back in 2005 next to Jess and we find out that whole thing’s been one huge nightmare.
REVERSE-RETCON-RETCON. Or something.
Ah, fuck this show lol.
Next week: snark! Next week’s is about Dumb Kids In The Woods (With Cameras) and sounds so stupid that I’m sure I’ll have some actual snark material. Plus maybe we can go one episode without this recycled Sam/Dean hunting/normal life crap.
Episode Rating: P for Piss-poor and Pointlessness (Sorry Jensen) and B for being so Boring that I found myself staring at my carpet for long periods of time. I don’t even like my carpet.
ETA: I got a link to an article that started with “Garth is set to return to Supernatural in November.”
Mustnotbashmyheadagainstwall.
In honour of Jensen, I’m going to:
supernatural snark 
Love, love, LOVE!
The picnic thing – TOTALLY recycled from Dean and Lisa in “Dream a Little Dream”. And the thing about the birthday cake? Seriously, if Jess would make Sam a plate of chocolate chip cookies just for hanging out with Dean for a couple of days, wouldn’t she get him a birthday cake at least once? And maybe a present? I’m pretty sure that the city of Stanford has bakeries or cake mixes. And going to college and having an amazonian girlfriend who’ll wear a size 4T Smurfs shirt to bed seemed like pretty normal living.
Did anyone else notice how super orange they were in this episode? Damn, even the makeup artist can’t pull it together.
I’ve been having to rewind scenes repeatedly because my mind goes so numb throughout that I can’t be bothered to pay attention. But then Sam’s gigantic neander-coiff snaps me back to the harsh reality that is SPN Season 8.
As for next week’s episode: the dumb-kids-in-the-woods-with-hand-held-camera-footage is so OLD. Come on, Carver.
I’m off to think about brick pants now.
Supernatural Snark, I think I love you. 🙂
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LOL. You're right about the picnic thing, ha. I didn't even remember that when I was watching. Mostly because my brain stopped functioning due to boredom.
And going to college and having an amazonian girlfriend who’ll wear a size 4T Smurfs shirt to bed seemed like pretty normal living.
They never had a dog! Or shopped at the Farmer’s Market. Or had organic apples. Or birthday cakes everyday!! Little did Jess know that her bf was so ~high maintenance! Oh Sam!
I did indeed notice Jensen’s orangeness (not Sam’s because – the hair, I can’t see PAST IT). I think because they shot this episode first JA’s tan was more prominent than in the previous episodes. Or the make up artist is just shitty. Either one is possible.
But then Sam’s gigantic neander-coiff snaps me back to the harsh reality that is SPN Season 8.
NEANDER-COIFF /DEAD. It totally does. And I hear you on the rewinding. I didn’t even bother, I was like, “Yeah, I’d rather read the subtitle file.”
BUT THERE’S NEVER ENOUGH BLAIR WITCH PROJECT HOMAGES!! CARVER’S IDEA ARE FRESH AND EXCITING. Only, they’re like, 2002 era fresh and exciting.
I’d rather watch Jensen strutting his stuff in brick pants forever than 20 more episodes of this season. SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
I love you too! 🙂
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Sam’s hair is growing blonde from th roots in. That is what is wrong with him.
🙂
I did miss your true snark, but this was still great for those of us who have been with the show more than a year and don’t (or didn’t, you decide) watch the show to get out panties in a wad because OMFGJAREDNJENSENRSOOOHOTT!!!111!~.
I have NO doubt you’ll be back next week.
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HAHA. It’s affecting his brain cells too, we must stop this blonde transformation. Brb, ordering a birthday cake.
LOL. I used to laugh when Jared would be all like, “We get letters saying that people disconnect their phones and everything when the show’s on.”
I KNOW WHAT THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOING, JARED. I am glad that my non-snark was still good 🙂
I WILL! Because I hate myself and Jared Padalecki is still ruining my life. Also I love bitching about Dumb Kids in the Woods! Hee.
❤
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Please Punch sam in the face dean. I hate you right now but I hate sam worse. you went to fucking hell for him, and what does he do? he goes and.. gets a dog… which is fine in the real world but in supernatural? really?
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But every time Dean punches Sam in the face a unicorn dies! Ha, kidding. Well you could argue that Sam also went to hell for Dean in a way. I agree that it doesn’t make Sam look good. I’m sure we’ll get some half-assed bs explanation eventually. Or well one that’s not the ‘I want a normal life’ crap. If we don’t then…we can blame Carver for effing up Sam’s characterisation.
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I, am truly a Supernatural fan. And, I should be offended just from by the sheer knowledge that someone would have the nerve to find flaws in this show, let alone, voice opinions about said flaws. But, I am laughing so fucking hard right now I literally hate myself for being a SPN FAMILY member. You are voicing everything I am afraid to say out loud. I hated the Blair Witch-ish episode. I hated Amelia, she actually bored me to the point that I wondered if watching Jensen and Jared were even worth it. I hated Sam and all his whinery. I hated the fact that he didn’t look for Dean. (Sam would have never done that). I mean, what a slimeball move by the writers. I hated the fact that Alan Ackles was on an episode. It only reminded me of what Jensen will look like in another 5 or 10 years, at the rate he is aging. I even hate the dog for being the catalyst for Sam and Amelia’s meeting. But, most of all, I hate Dean’s haircut. I don’t have anything snarky to say, I’ll leave that to you. You’re so freakin’ good at it! I just have complaints. Thanks for this page. I look forward to reading more funny truths that I am either afraid or unwilling to say. I can’t actually say it’s love I feel for you but I’m definitely smitten. 😉
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Hello! Haha! I’m sure that I’ve offended some people but someone has to point out the obvious flaws on this show without the whole BUT IT’S SPN SO IT’S OKAY at the end. Aw, don’t hate yourself. Trust me, it’s better to be a fan that can see flaws in a show that they genuinely like than to keep quiet about it and act like you like it. I did that and went insane and started an entire blog, haha.
The Blair Witch episode was ridiculous. I can’t believe that anyone signed off on most of the episodes that aired this season. Amelia sucked. Though I think that part of that was down to the fact that Jared was really off in every scene that they had with each other. I know he didn’t like the storyline but please.
I hated the fact that Alan Ackles was on an episode. It only reminded me of what Jensen will look like in another 5 or 10 years, at the rate he is aging.
OMG, LOL. You’re so right. Hahahaha.
What even happened to that dog? Lol, yeah I didn’t like Dean’s hair at all. It made him look old, haha.
Thank you so much for the comment and the compliments! 🙂 Looks like I’ll be watching some of season 9, so hopefully you like any future posts!
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