I pretty much just finished watching the episode a few hours ago and all I know is that some Mayan God was ripping out people’s hearts in order to stay young forever. That’s basically it. Oh and Jensen’s dad shows up and has some boring, overly long conversation with Sam and Dean about something or other. JENSEN’S DAD, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently Alan Ackles is an amazing actor known for….well, I’ve only ever seen him in Devour.
I’ll just stop talking about him now.
What The Episode Was Called: Heartache
What It Should Have Been Called: HEADACHE
WHY IS SAM’S HAIR NOW TAKING UP A THIRD OF THE SCREEN?
LOOK AT THE HAIR DOING IT AGAIN!!
WHY DO THEY KEEP GIVING JENSEN SHITTY EPISODES TO DIRECT?
Oh yes. This episode was directed by Jensen for those of you lucky enough to have not been bombarded by this information. I wonder if they had a 10 day #JensenAcklesWeek (TRUE STORY) on Twitter this year? AND, GUYS JENSEN DIRECTED SO IT’S OMG!!11 AMAZING!!111
I like Jensen, I really do. But out of the three he’s done this is the worst one, lol. It’s not his fault but damn.
Which leads me to my next question….whose idea was it to let the same people who wrote Route 666 (Racist Killer Truck!!) to ever write again?
NO ONE HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT EPISODE.
AND Y’KNOW, THIS EPISODE DIDN’T REDEEM THEM IN ANYWAY.
And to the person who came up with “Well, Thor he ain’t.” line: fuck off lol. I’m still facepalming over that mess with Thor’s hammer.
I don’t even know what this is. IS THIS SNARK? Or has Supernatural finally broken me.
Anyway all throughout the episode Sam kept on saying incoherent shit like, “I had a chance to be normal and I liked it and as soon as we’ve found the tablet I’m done hunting because I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL EVEN THOUGH I’VE TRIED THIS BEFORE AND THE PEOPLE I FUCKING CARE ABOUT END UP DEAD BUT I HAVE APPARENTLY SUFFERED TOO MANY KNOCKS ON THE HEAD. OR MY HAIR IS BLOCKING MY BRAIN CELLS AND I CAN NO LONGER THINK STRAIGHT, OMG LIFE WITHOUT YOU DEAN WAS SO PERFECT!”
Really. Like, are you fucking kidding me. Retcon season 6 or 7, I don’t give a fuck. HOW CAN YOU PRETEND LIKE SEASON 1 EVENTS NEVER EVEN HAPPENED.
FIVE SEASONS OF WHINING ABOUT JESS, STANFORD AND HIS NORMAL LIFE BUT SUDDENLY HE’S ONLY EVER HAD ONE CHANCE TO BE NORMAL?
UGH. I can’t anymore. I just can’t.
It got a thousand times worse at the end during the F L A S H B A C K when his girlfriend surprises him with a picnic and a birthday cake. LOL. I’m assuming Jess never got him one or…maybe she just doesn’t even register in his mind anymore.
Dean, on the other hand. Dean’s like, he’s like those customer assistants in stores that offer their presence/assistance when all you want to is just shop on your own. All throughout the ep he was all, OH WE’RE BACK ON THE ROAD, WE’RE FREE TO BE WHATEVER WE WANT TO BE! WE’RE BACK HUNTING! ISN’T THIS GREAT! ISN’T IT?
Sam basically says “fuck no.”
Sam keeps on reiterating his “fuck no.”
Dean continues to persist.
I don’t even really like Dean that much anymore (too much crying in that one season, too much growling, too much assholery) but…this is just ridiculous. WHERE’S BADASS IDGAF!DEAN FROM PURGATORY. If Sam doesn’t want him there why doesn’t he just go?
LOL. It’s not even his fault that the writers are making Sam look like a dick while woobifying him.
But hey! Hey. Dean downloaded a translation app by himself. See Dean, you don’t even need Sam anymore! Just move on and walk into a river or something like Sam did in that one episode. Or BUY HIM A GODDAMN BIRTHDAY CAKE EVERY DAY. That is the key to Sam’s happiness. CAKE. In a suspiciously brightly coloured field.
There’s probably an app for that.
There’s got to be an app for that because we have twenty more episodes of this shit.
God help us.
I can’t even comprehend Carver’s two (or was it three?) year plan right now. Imagine the ending. Sam’ll probably wake up back in 2005 next to Jess and we find out that whole thing’s been one huge nightmare.
REVERSE-RETCON-RETCON. Or something.
Ah, fuck this show lol.
Next week: snark! Next week’s is about Dumb Kids In The Woods (With Cameras) and sounds so stupid that I’m sure I’ll have some actual snark material. Plus maybe we can go one episode without this recycled Sam/Dean hunting/normal life crap.
Episode Rating: P for Piss-poor and Pointlessness (
Sorry Jensen) and B for being so Boring that I found myself staring at my carpet for long periods of time. I don’t even like my carpet.
ETA: I got a link to an article that started with “Garth is set to return to Supernatural in November.”
In honour of Jensen, I’m going to: