snarkview, 8×02: what’s up with the shitty episode titles, carver?

So, I haven’t actually seen the episode yet as I write this line but why should that stop me from writing snark? I did spy on some forums on what not and learn that Castiel returned.

I am not impressed. I’m so unimpressed that…I had to make a pie chart about it. I know it’s sad so yeah, shut it. I AM GIVING DEAN PIE.

bringin’ you pie since 2012.

What the episode is called: What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?

What it should have been called: We’re Not Going To Show Kevin Tran Being Fed To A Meat Grinder Because We’re Cruel People. 

And now I actually can’t write more before I watch the episode. But if I could I’d be laughing hysterically at the mere thought of Thor’s hammer being in the episode.

Thor’s hammer.

Like, keep Chris Hemsworth out of this.

No one else is worthy of the Hammer. I don’t care if Thor is some Norse God predated by the movie by several millenniums or something.

Okay so maybe Sam is. I’ll stop now. 

———————————————————————–

The line indicates that I’ve watched it now.

Sam was not worthy. I mean. Just. That hair is unacceptable. I just can’t. Okay, moving on.

QUESTIONS:

WHY DOES JENSEN ACKLES KEEP ON GROWLING AT ME? JEEZ I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE, SPEAK NORMALLY. YOU ARE NOT BATMAN!

THIS IS PAYBACK FOR THE SIDEBURNS ISN’T IT???

AFTER A ONE MINUTE+ RECAP OF THE LAST EPISODE THAT NO ONE EVEN NEEDED TO SEE. The episode starts off with some old dude in a hat coming to collect a bone of a frost giant from his safety deposit box. I THOUGHT THAT THE TRICKSTER WAS LOKI. I MEAN. I…actually don’t care. Anyway, he gets it and kills the overly cheerful virgin lady. Yay. BLOOD SPLATTER. YAY. That’s not old at all.

I wish the episode had stopped at this point.

We meet up with Dean, Kevin and Sam….outside. Which okay, so they have to go out sometime but LOL. They’re supposed to be keeping him away from Crowley, any old demon could just be walking by. I mean. Anyway, all three of them lack basic common sense. Kevin wants to go check in on his Mom because she’s surrounded by demons. Dean says no. This happens like three times and Sam, who’s not even in half of the shots because…he’s not going to do more than sit there and smirk, is all like, “The kid has a point.” NO, NO HE DOESN’T! Anyway eventually Dean growls “Sonuvabitch! Fine, let’s go” and my ears bleed a little.

They reach the house. She’s alive! Kevin is overjoyed. But then Dean helpfully points out that there are demons all around the house. I mean, Kevin pretty much knows this, did he somehow forget on the way? Sam merely peers through a pair of binoculars. I don’t even know. They gank all the demons surrounded the house and eventually Kevin knocks on the door. His mother opens and…starts making squeaking noises. Like she’s a fucking dolphin or something. Sam and Dean dart in and start squirting her with…I don’t know, probably Holy Borax Water or something. SHE’S NOT A DEMON! Crap.

Sam’s all like, “What’s that smell?” because well, he has to do something, I guess. They run into the living room and see a demon escaping from Cello Mom’s friends body. How fucking stupid is that demon LOL. Like, go outside and then leave. Dumbass. Sam chants out a reverse exorcism spell and then…Dean kills the demon and Cello Mom’s friend in the process. Uhm. REALLY. After his SAM YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING PEOPLE OMG HOW COULD YOU TAKE A YEAR OUT BOOHOOHOO speech from the last episode they just, kill that woman. Sam’s apparently okay with this. I eagerly await his “I just wish I could save people” speech in episode 13 or something.

They spend 25 seconds telling Cello Mom what’s going on and she accepts it all. I mean, she’s a mother. You know what they do? Ask a shit ton of questions, but she just accepts it all and is all like, “So what do we do?” Oh, how badass of her. Dean says safe house. She says no. I don’t think Sam says anything that isn’t what, why, who, when. Sigh. Kevin’s all like, “I can’t say no to my mom.” Ugh, spare me. You’re the worst pretend-17-year-old-ever. Eventually after a LOT of growling (ilu Jensen but stop) Dean relents again. Cello Mom and Kevin need to get inked and for some reason Sam shows them his tattoo. I’m too distracted by wondering how many shelves I could build in his hair.

Because this show likes to torture us, we’re treated to a scene where Cello Mom and Kevin get their tattoos. Cello Mom’s all badass about it, cuz it’s not her first tattoo while Kevin spends the whole time apparently having a really loud orgasm. I really don’t want to think about this anymore.

Kevin apparently hid the tablet at some sort of train station locker or something, because that’s what smart people do. Did I mention that this episode is mostly made up of Sam, Dean, Cello Mom and Cello Brat all walking around aimlessly? They do a lot of that. Anyway, they find dirty diapers in the locker or something and Sam’s just like *smirk* because…I assume that he’s the only one who finds it funny. “SHUT UP!” Dean’s growls only it’s growlier than usual and I want to punch Sam in the face. In the space of about 2.5 seconds Sam and Dean transform into their FBI suits and while both of them fill up the suits very nicely, I’m so fucking over it. THEY ARE ALWAYS THE FBI. Anyway, they question some dude about it and….

FLASHBACK

It’s one from Purgatory and it’s horribly juxtaposed with present day. Dean’s interrogating something in Purgatory about the whereabouts of the angel whereas in present day he’s….asking the dude about whatever the hell he was asking him about. I don’t actually know. The tablet maybe. Benny shows up in the flashback and just. LOOK, PLEASE PUT THE FLASHBACKS AT REASONABLE TIMES. At one point Dean rips ofF his tie and tries to choke the guy with it as he growls some shit. Sam is mostly nonplussed. “Hey,” he calls out meekly while doing nothing to stop Dean. Maybe I could build at least 13 shelves in his hair? Or twelve maybe. Thirteen would probably have disastrous ramifications.

They leave.

They’re knocking at some guys door and the guy they’re looking for magically turns up outside. He invites them to some sort of Supernatural Auction. I kind of want someone to be selling a jar of salt. Becky would totally turn up and buy it. Mysterious guy vanishes and they start wondering how they’re going to get enough money. All four of them are fucking stupid, lol. Sam considers selling the Impala because y’know, he really cares about them shutting the gates of hell for good. Dean is outraged. Cello Mom and Cello Brat just kind of stand there. I barely refrain from punching myself. SAY IT AND I WILL KILL YOU, YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, Dean growls. Oh Dean, sit the fuck down. THEY DIDN’T MEAN IT BABY, he says. And really, maybe they need to have him only talk to the Impala from now on because anything else makes my ears bleed.

They arrive at the auction. LOL. I mean, it’s certain that The King of Hell wouldn’t know about an auction like this, right? Not to Sam or Dean, apparently. There’s a metal detector and they all get through it okay apart from Dean who’s decided to bring along the demon knife and a gun. He smiles bashfully. When is this episode even going to end, I ponder. The plan had been to get close to the tablet at the auction so that Cello Brat can memorise the tablet. Unfortunately it’s covered up.  No one saw that one coming.

Crowley turns up. And none of of them even saw that one coming either because…. I don’t know. Wait! I have an explanation actually:

Just pretend it says “Season 8, episode 2” and that the blue arrow is pointing at a lower spot.

Anyway, Sam, Cello Mom and Cello brat go into the auction room. Dean is stopped by Matt from Bugs (Season 1, Episode 8) who’s an angel now or something. Matt from Bugs asks about Castiel and Dean growls something about how they killed Dick Roman and ended up in Purgatory blah blah blah. Aaaaaaaaaaand,

FLASHBACK

Purgatory again and Dean and Benny are just finding Castiel who’s sitting by some river, looking kinda beaten down. “CAS!” Dean growls. “IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, OMG I MISSED YOU!” They hug and…what is this. What kind of fanservice operation are you running here Carver? I don’t know what they say after that but Benny is all pissed on Dean’s behalf. “YOU RAN OFF AND LEFT DEAN YOU SPINELESS BASTARD!” Dean has apparently lost his memory and he’s all, NAH, CAS WOULDN’T EVEN DO THAT. SOMETHING JUMPED HIM! HE LOVES ME, HE WOULD NEVER DO ME LIKE THAT. Cas admits that he did indeed do Dean like that and he ran.

Dean is outraged.

I DID IT FOR YOU, Cas bleats. THE LEVIATHANS WERE AFTER ME AND I KEPT THEM AWAY FROM YOU EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE AFTER ME BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

And then it reaches a point where Dean is like, “I NEED YOU CAS LIKE I NEED AIR”. I’m just paraphrasing here but you get the gist and…just. Ew. None of these characters even talk like that LOL. It suddenly registers that this episode was written by Dabb and Loflin. I call them Drab and Lofshit. And this is precisely why.

Back in present day, Dean quickly enters the auction room and shit starts to go down.

Apparently Matt from Bugs is called Samandriel.

LOL.

Dean, Sam, Cello Mom & Brat start searching their pockets for cash and just, there are no words. How fucking stupid are they?  Crowley says some shit about making more demons and he calls Sam “Samantha”.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

This is sad, pathetic non-laughter because I want to cry. The first item up is an amulet of Hesperus. The bidding starts at three tons of dwarve gold. They soon realise that this is no normal auction and they all sit there sheepishly. Crowley just sits there cracking up at their stupidity. Dean decides to take a stroll to do something or other. He’s not successful in finding a solution but he manages to growl at someone.

Good ol’ Deano.

We get to the bidding for Thor’s hammer and the dude from the start of the episode offers up the bone of a frost giant and 5/8th’s of a virgin. Sam is outraged! SAM IS SHOWING EMOTION THAT ISN’T *puppy* *smirk* *shrug* or *whatwhywhenwho* I am shocked.

Saving people, hunting things – the family business. I GOTTA AVENGE THAT VIRGIN! And damn, I need to stop forgetting to get my hair cut.

Old creepy man gets Thor’s hammer and lol for some reason he sticks around. Dumbass. The bidding from the tablet starts and Crowley offers up shit, Matt from Bugs offers up shit. The auction dude decides to add Cello Brat to the deal – lord knows why – and eventually Cello Mom offers up her soul.

I don’t know what  happens after that but somehow Crowley possesses Cello Mom and shit gets real fast. Dean does something. Sam swings around Thor’s Hammer around and gets to avenge the virgin. “Where did you get the 5/8ths of a virgin from?” he asks. Creepy old guy shrugs. SAM KILLS HIM. YAY!!! SAM GOT TO DO SOMETHING AND AGAIN IT INVOLVED SWINGING SOMETHING AT SOMEONE’S HEAD!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Crowley ends up with the tablet. Kevin finally wisens up and ditches Sam and Dean and takes Soulless Cello Mom with him.

LOL. How long until Sam and Dean find out that there’s another tablet or that someone wrote it down on parchment paper back in 1809 or something?

Oh and then we end off with some Purgatory flashback. Kevin leaves a note that says that anyone Dean goes near ends up dead or hurt or whatever. “He doesn’t mean that,” Sam says and LOL. OKAY SAM, OKAY. LEMME BREAK THIS DOWN FOR YOU. BOBBY, ELLEN, JO, RUFUS, FRANK, ALL OF THOSE OTHER DEAD PEOPLE YOU BLEAT ABOUT BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR. IT’S TOTALLY TRUE AND REMEMBER KEVIN IS A PROPHET SO HE PROBABLY KNOWS ALL OF THIS SOMEHOW. C- FOR EFFORT THOUGH, SAM. Dean remains unconvinced.

Dean remembers Cas screaming his name out repeatedly or something as he’s about to fall into something. I hope he fell to his death. And I hope he stays in the flashbacks.

The End

Thoughts: none. Okay, okay. NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED LOL THEY SPENT LIKE 90% OF THE EPISODE WALKING AROUND. They’re back where they were in the fucking premiere. Ugh. Ugh. Also why does the show insist on making Sam and Dean look so incompetent? Blah.

Grade: P  for making me want to Punch Myself Repeatedly. 

NEXT WEEK: JENSEN DIRECTS!!!! I think we might actually see Sam running through a field of flowers. I hope that I’m wrong.