SNARKVIEW: 8X01, we need to talk about why sam’s hair looks like a dead ferret.

Hi all! Don’t fear for I have returned…however, I’m not sure how long for. I might just start banging my head against a wall one of these days. I mean, I’m SOUND TRACKING MY POSTS NOW. Don’t listen to the songs. Just pretend that the hyper-links aren’t in the text.

What the episode is called: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN

What it should have been called: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN’S CONTINUED EXISTENCE AND PUT AN END TO IT.

Questions:

WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH THE HAIR?

WHY IS DEAN SO…ORANGE?

SNARK, OH HOW I’VE MISSED YOU.

Note: I’m a little rusty so I’ll definitely be trying too hard.

SUPERNATURAL, OH HOW I HAVEN’T MISSED YOU. At all. I miss the earlier seasons but damn, your season eight premiere has been boring so far. I say that because I’ve given up halfway through. When I’m sufficiently exhausted, I will go back to you. I knew it was a mistake to watch you when I was pretty much wide awake. Wide awake. FALLING FROM CLOUD NINEEEEE.

Yeah, let’s not go down that road.

There’s a long ass recap set to some awful song.

The episode starts off with Dumb Kids in the Woods – as always – and there’s a WHOOOSH and Dean shows up and growls WHERRREEE AMM I? I assume that they tell him. He then bounces off to…wherever it was. He keeps on squirming around. Eventually he arrives at his destination. “Thiss better be you!” he growls as he…uses a shovel to dig up…BONES!

And then he pulls up his sleeve.

His arm is glowing.

GLOWING.

G L O W I N G.

Was I the only one who found this fucking hilarious?

Anyway, he cuts his hand and the red glow drips onto the bones. Dean growls something. Someone appears behind him and we enter our least dramatic entrance of the episode. They start discussing shit. OH HOLD ON, DEAN’S FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE. WE KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE FLASHES HIS FANGS TO AFFIRM HIS VAMPIRE STATUS. So they’re discussing shit. Like, what’s the plan? It’s all very…boring. Out of nowhere, they embrace and are all TOGETHER WE MADE IT, WE MADE IT EVEN THOUGH WE HAD OUR BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL. Complete with man hugs and grinning galore. Like they’ve just won the lottery or something. Even though Purgatory is so PURE AND WONDERFUL AND PURE AND EVEN MORE PURE. Ooooooooookay.

Well. I like it better than last years. In a sort of I-have-no-opinion-on-it kind of way. So sue me.

We then see Sam packing a bag right by his bed. The same bed where his girlfriend happens to be. I think he’s attempting to sneak out here…and well, that’s definitely not how to sneak out. She’s awake obviously. He says goodbye to his dog. Then we see THE IMPALA!!!! THE ONLY REDEEMABLE CHARACTER LEFT ON THE SHOW. I’m not going to call her “Baby” because I think before I speak. Mostly. It’s like a selective thing. ANYWAY THERE IS A MAN IN THE SHADOWS WATCHING! I missed this entire scene when I watched it. Oh well.

ACCORDING TO PARTS OF FANDOM IT’S BENNY. ACCORDING TO ME…WELL. IT’S PROOF THAT SOMEONE IS WATCHING SAM MAYBE AND HEY MAYBE THERE’S SOMETHING HINKY GOING ON. MAYBE IT’S JOHN WINCHESTER!!!

I’m not sure how he knows to gets to wherever the hell Dean is but he does. It’s a cabin somewhere and WHAT THE EVER LOVING, SIDEBURN HATING HELL IS HAPPENING WITH HIS HAIR?

It hasn’t quite reached 80’s Bon Jovi hair but….IT’S ALMOST THERE AND JUST…..THIS WAS MY ONLY REASON FOR WATCHING THE SHOW AND yeah. Life as I know it is over.

This is Sam’s future.

As soon as Sam enters….wherever the hell Dean is, Dean throws him down onto the ground (Wincest fans probably peed themselves with glee or something) and does all the monster tests. It’s kind of like Chemistry isn’t it? Mind numbingly tedious. Eventually, they hug and shit. Neither of them seem very into it so neither am I. Dean tells Sam that he was in Purgatory and Sam’s very blasé about the whole thing. “Oh, were you there for the whole year?” Dean’s vague because it’s okay for him to keep secrets but CRIMINAL for Sam to do it. What? I’m just sayin’. Cas is…I don’t care so I wasn’t listening. Dean left a shit ton of messages but Sam’s ditched the phones blah blah blah.

And then Sam’s all like, “Oh something happened to me this year too. I don’t hunt any more.” IS THAT WHY YOU’VE STOPPED CUTTING YOUR HAIR SAM!!!!!! IS IT?! Suddenly the “saving people, hunting things – the family business” quote at the start of the recap makes…well, the Supernatural version of sense. After some bizarre line about some Soderbergh movie (which is called The Girlfriend Experience* and…well I’m sure someone lamer than me has some post about how CLEVER THE WRITERS WERE FOR LINKING THAT IN), Dean is outraged, because they’re supposed to be out there saving people. YEAH, YOU HAVEN’T DONE THAT FOR THE LAST TWO SEASONS BUDDY. SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

*I’m not doing any fucking research next week. WHY DID I JUST DO THAT. Anyway.

Sam pleads his case. He was all alone…everyone was gone….blah blah. He fixed up the Impala and drove. But Sammy boy….did not look for Dean, who by the way was fighting shit, knee deep in Purgatory. That’s nice Dean. Apparently way back in the day, they promised each other they’d never look. I’M SORRY WHAT. Fuck off Carver. Dean’s all upset, and Sam’s all…like, “I’m still the same guy”….because that’s what’s important here LOL. Dean says that he isn’t and he flounces. “Welcome back,” Sam murmurs disdainfully.

CUT YOUR FUCKING HAIR

Dean’s going through old phones. Sam’s….making dinner. This shouldn’t be funny but it is. Kevin Tran….Chan…whatever. I CALL HIM CELLO BOY. Cello boy’s left like 293030303 messages on Sam’s phone asking for his help. Dean’s aggravated and pissed and I’m like, “YES!! GO SAM!!!  I WOULDN’T CALL THAT ANNOYING LITTLE PRICK EITHER!!”

Well I wouldn’t. Why isn’t he dead yet? And his mother is in the next episode. BRB, PUNCHING MYSELF.

Sam hears something from a bus on the last message and they figure out that his last girlfriend is going to college…wherever the bus was or something. So I guess…they’re going there. We go through the Sam hands-over-the-keys-to-the-Impala-scene with a little less theatrics than in Lazarus Rising. The car smells like dog to Dean but Sam’s all like:

On their way they stop off and a bunch of kids running around reminds Dean of Purgatory. You know what this means?

F L A S H  B A C K

In which…a horrible, grainy, dreary filter is used to depict how horrible and dreary Purgatory is no doubt because…we’re all too stupid to grasp that. Dean’s running around covered in blood…..he kills something, gets attacked by something, gets saved by something and forms an alliance with that last something….BENNY!!! Oh how wonderful. Dean’s human, Benny gushes. HUMAN. This will be significant.

Look at how many fucks I give. Show, why are you boring me?

E N D – F L A S H B A C K

They meet up with Kevin’s girlfriend and she doesn’t seem to give a shit about him. YAY. But then we see that she’s being possessed by a demon. NAY.

Back at some motel room or something, Sam’s all like “Well Kevin’s not going anywhere for 12 hours” and Dean’s all like RUDE! IS THAT HOW YOU RATIONALISE TAKING A YEAR OFF HDU?!!!!! Sam brings up the promise again and….yeah Carver. We get it. You’re retconning this season. Sam tries to justify himself some more. He was just living his life. HE JUST WANTS TO LIVE HIS LIFE. HE KNOWS THAT WE GON’ BE ALRIGHT but…maybe Sam’s year wasn’t all THAT upbeat. He wasn’t oblivious guys. He read the paper. Even the weird stories.** I don’t know what he’s trying to say here. So I shall move on. Dean correctly deduces that A GIRL WAS INVOLVED. He knew he smelt  dog. Her name is Amelia and they met when Sam hit a dog.

Dean is unimpressed.

Sam sees a dog when they’re outside doing….something. Looking for Kevin maybe. And y’all know what this means?

F L A S H  B A C K

Sam rushes into a vet clinic with a bloody dog. He’s all like THIS IS AN ANIMAL HOSPITAL! YOU SAVE ANIMALS, SAVE THIS DOG! The ongoing theory is that Sam was so upset because he thought the dog was Dean. LOL. Shut up. Upset about Dean, yeah. Upset because he thought the dog was Dean? Oh dear.

puppeh.

His girl Amelia walks in then.  ESCORT THIS MAN OUT, she says. Her eyes meet Sam’s. Nothing happens. I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE RELEVANCY OF THIS SCENE. Of course the filter they’ve used is all BRIGHT AND SUMMERY AND BRIGHT. Okay.

Man, my hair was fucked up back then too.

E N D – F L A S H B A C K

DEAN EATS A BURGER. It’s apparently a shout out back to the times when Dean used to eat. Or something. THEY FIND KEVIN. They meet up with Kevin who squirts them with Borax. LOL. He’s holed up in some old building presumably just sitting around each day. We get another flashback and SERIOUSLY CARVER WE ARE IN TOO MANY PEOPLE’S HEADS! STOP IT. Kevin’s filter is grey. I don’t even care why. There’s another clay tablet about demons, Crowley makes him read it. It’s all about a way to open the gates of hell. Because Crowley is stupid, he gets Kevin to do the spell. Kevin instead does a demon vanquishing spell. But….he didn’t tell Crowley the most important part….

THERE’S A WAY TO CLOSE THE GATES OF HELL FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!

Oh fuck off show.

Sam and Dean discuss this revelation and Dean’s all like, this is wonderful we have to let him do this. Sam wonders if free will doesn’t apply to Kevin. Dean is not impressed. Sam apologises to Kevin. There’s some horrible “It Gets Better” joke. Kevin doesn’t see a bright side, Sam used to be like that. Blah, blah. Dean steps in then with a soulful look on his face. It’s probably the only touching moment of the episode.

Another Sam flashback, lol. Amelia is all like the dog sustained – list of injuries – but he’s okay. Sam thanks her. AND THEN SHE SAYS, “You’re going to take the dog right?”

EXCUSE YOU.

Sam reasonably says that it’s not his etc and she’s all like, “Can you hand this man a trophy on the way out?”

OH HELL NAW.

She then emotionally blackmails him into taking the dog. LOL. Surely this must be a lesson in Vet 101, DON’T HAND OVER ANIMALS TO JUST ANYONE! EVEN  IF SAID SOMEONE KIND OF RESEMBLES A DOG HIMSELF.

YOU KNOW YOU WERE THINKING IT

Show still doesn’t know how to write female characters then. I am unsure as to how it was that Sam even ended up with this chick. We’ll see.

Crowley shows up. A fight breaks out. Sam still can’t fight for shit. Dean doesn’t fare much better. Crowley has Kevin’s GF. There’s some talking. I don’t really know what Crowley wants. The tablet(s)? I have no idea. You know why?

BECAUSE CROWLEY IS SO FUCKING PREDICTABLY LAME. Eventually, Sam, Dean and Kevin (dammit) get away and….there’s this bizarre shot of the Impala cruising away is SLOW MOTION. Then Crowley snaps Kevin’s GF’s neck and…

I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING.

LMAO.

Kevin’s all miserable after. Oh well.

Dean goes to make a phone call to his new BFF Benny who’s at a funeral….looks like he might be feeding soon or something, who knows, who cares? They have a mostly cryptic conversation and agree to stay away from each other. Dean says that they had to do what they did to Cas. They didn’t have a choice. YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM FOR GOOD SO YOU KNOW WHAT DEAN? I DON’T CARE!!!

I may have missed something because I was WTFing over Benny’s attire.

AND FINALLY  I REACHED THE END.

So to sum up what we’ve been told so far apart from the whole WE CAN CLOSE THE GATES OF HELL MAYBE EVEN THOUGH EVERY TIME WE’VE ATTEMPTED TO DO SOMETHING SIMILAR WE’VE FAILED BUT WE HAVE A PROPHET THIS TIME (JUST LIKE WE DID LAST TIME) SO THAT MIGHT HELP (EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN’T LAST TIME) thing:

Pretty much this.

Thoughts or…the part where I attempt to be coherent.

Boring. Very boring. It’s like Carver sat down and decided to give Dean the storyline he should have had in season 4, while he gives Sam Dean’s season 6 storyline. Fandom is biased AS ALWAYS but apparently this episode highlights why Jensen is such a good actor. Yeah, not really. He may not be phoning it in anymore but the material is still pretty bland. I also don’t see the need for subtlety when it comes to Dean being “on edge”. I’m not going to notice. Plus, I don’t think it makes sense for Dean to get back and necessarily even try to act normal. Yes, he’d be erratic and jumpy in a manner in which it’s noticeable to everyone who even looks at him. At least I’d like that better. Maybe he could shoot Kevin for looking at him the wrong way!!!!!!!

Blah. Anything but the whole being an asshole to Sam thing. I’m over that now, lol.

Sam. I’m a Sam fan. Always have been but all of the Sam fans defending him are irritating. Granted it does seem like there’s something we don’t know but right now, he does come across as a douche. It’s okay for people to think that . He’s not real. And rofl, the real reason – if there is one – will no doubt be shit.

Benny. Oh, he’s bad. Really, really bad. Also in need of a decent wardrobe. He seems like your stereotypical baddie. Used Dean to get out, and is going to continue to use Dean to get what he wants? I honestly don’t care. The character was boring from the little we saw. I’ll wait for some more explanations before I form an explicit opinion on him.

Crowley needs to go. He does nothing but spit out one liners that have little meaning. I used to genuinely like the character but enough is enough.

KEVIN TRAN. Honestly. I hope someone feeds him to a meat grinder. Annoying, bland…at least he’s sorted out his fucking hair, ugh.

Amelia. Unless there’s a reveal in which she’s revealed to be evil (rehash party so hey why not?) …I hope she…stops being a douche, lol. Also there was no apparent chemistry between her and Sam. Maybe that comes later? *snort*

I imagine that the season will only get worse when Cas shows up.

Episode Rating: F for Failing To Hold My Interest After About Three Minutes In.

See you next week when this will be SHORTER. jeez.