Firstly, I went gif crazy again. YOU LOVE IT. I can’t resize them because they go static otherwise.
I can understand why people were horrified by this episode, by the time I got around to watch it I mostly didn’t care enough to get angry. But uh, I was when it aired. So there’s that. Plus I was squicked out by some scenes, so I have plenty to rage about. I did come across one particular fan who apparently knew exactly what was going on in the minds of Jared and Jensen. They were sick while filming this episode!!! So, they couldn’t object to it because they were too feeble and broken down. OH AND THE EPISODE TITLE WAS A PLAY ON JENSEN’S WIFE’S CANCELLED TV SHOW! A show that….mostly passed everyone by. Presumably that person had never, ever heard of the term ‘Friends With Benefits’ before. LULZ!
What The Episode Was Called: Man’s Best Friends With Benefits
What It Should Have Been Called: Feel Free To Skip This One Folks!
So, hang on, this episode is seriously called….Man’s Best Friend With Benefits!!!!!!!!! Thanks for nothing, Danneel Harris. Though, they could have called the episode Man’s Best Friend With One Tree Hill. And we have an episode about a special dog that only comes to life on the hill with that one tree on it.
I’d watch the fuck out of that.
Alas, what we got was this season’s icky episode. Granted, this was written by the idiots who wrote the Racist Killer Truck episode. But still Supernatural is good at forgetting that it’s not called Criminal Minds and occasionally we get a gross episode that’s so stupid that it makes the rest of the season look good. For season 6, it was pedo-dog. Ugh. Last year it was that OMG!SO!FUNNY AND HILARIOUS EPISODE!!! The one where Becky sicced some creepy love potion on Sam, married him and planned to have her wicked way with in a cabin located in…who cares where. This year it’s this episode.
The recap starts with all that witch stuff from season 3 or something, blah blah blah. Then the episode starts with some guy killing someone. He wakes up in bed and thinks it was a dream but then he finds a blood stained shirt in the trash.
And we cut to Sam and Dean in a motel room talking about something, the trials or whatever. I don’t know. Oh wait some bullshit conversation about The Stooges. I imagine all the “bibro” (I DETEST THAT PHRASE. I’m not sure why calling themselves ‘fans of both bros’ is too much for them. Bibro sounds like a fucking pen) fans were sitting there giggling and thinking OMG!!!! SO CUTE AND FUNNY! LULZ! Whereas I was wondering why they were tormenting us with classic lines such as “You know, of all the lame-ass things you’ve ever said that’s got to be the lame-assiest”
After that, they talk about calling James and my god, who the fuck is James? James wants something and they wonder what it is. Such compelling scenes happening here. I’m using the subtitle file to remember what happened and my god, it is even worse when reading it. But I don’t have the patience to rewatch (ahahahahahah never) . Apparently this James is a cop who once saved Sam and Dean’s lives!!! Sam appears not to remember this. Don’t worry Sam, after this episode, you’ll never have to remember it again and nor will we. After that they start talking about the trials and Dean asks if Sam is okay and then offers to find another hellhound and take over. Sam ain’t impressed. He tells Dean not to worry. Someone please set Sam’s pants on fire. Thank you and Goodnight.
Dean goes off somewhere and for some reason Sam opens the door to a dog. After identifying it’s status, Sam watches as it runs into the motel room and is incoherent for the next five minutes. Dean shows up and Sam’s all apologetic, because apparently Dean hates dogs now. LULZ! But, as Dean looks into the motel room, the dog isn’t a dog anymore!!! It’s a sexy lookin’ woman lounging around on a bed sexily. WITH A COLLAR ON HER NECK.
Dean says that she can stay. Sam gets all flustered and insists that she was a dog a second ago!!! And he had his hands all over her produce. Naughty. Sam then demands to know what she is and she says that she’s a familiar. Dean has no idea what that is. Dean Winchester, who is the smartest man that Sam knows, the best damn hunter on the planet does not know what a familiar is. LULZ!
Anyway, she’s James witchy companion and he’s been shutting her out and instead of calling upon her witchy friends, she’s calling upon Sam and Dean because….they’re all that James has. Lifetime wants that bullshit line back. Apparently James – WHO’S A COP!!!! – became a witch because of Sam and Dean. I don’t even know and I don’t care. Portia – the dog/woman – claims that Dean doesn’t like dogs. I think this is supposed to be some sort of OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA DEAN DOESN’T LIKE DAWGS! OH MY kinda thing but…STFU already. Dean tells her that he’s not a fan of witches and doesn’t want to help. Portia accuses him ignorant bigotry.
I…have nothing else to add.
Of course, Dean’s response to that is “That was pretty hot.” and naturally, Sam agrees.
AND THAT’S ALL FROM THE OPENING SCENE POST-TITLE CARD!!!!!! UGH SUPERNATURAL I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOUR
I mean yeah sure, I’m writing a ridiculous amount of words on how much you suck but still:
Luckily, I haven’t quite reached Dean levels of despair just yet!
HOLY DERAILED SNARKVIEW, BATMAN!
Okay and basically the rest of the episode is about that random James guy and those people that he’s killing. He says it’s not him so for some reason, Dean pretends to be a Wiccan from Detroit and investigates with Portia while Sam pretends to be Agent Something Or Other and chases up lab reports and catches sight of a file at the police station with James name on it OMFGGGGGG!!!!! THEY SUSPECT HIM!!!! Before that happens, Dean alerts us all to the fact that he’s allergic to cats when he talks to another familar. Apparently witches or something can be controlled by someone else that isn’t them blah blah blah blah. JAMES KILLS A BLIND MAN! This forces Sam and Dean to bring out the witch killing spell THAT BOBBY LEFT THEM!!!
EVEN IN DEATH, BOBBY IS DEAD EX MACHINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LULZ!
At some point, Portia and James attempt to have sex.
And….man, it was just gross, okay. I get that some people are into bestiality but yeah, I’m not and I was cringing and WTFing at the bizarre shots and the fact that IT JUST WOULDN’T END!!!!!! It does eventually because she sees his thoughts or something.
The next scene has Sam and Dean showing up to kill him and Portia stops them! And then for some reason has to include the fact that her and James were about to do the dirty when she explains why they shouldn’t kill her. Jensen Ackles spends the next minute pulling some very odd facial expressions while Jared kind of stands there. That’s what the
alcohol flu does to ya! I think. I don’t know.
Moving on and on and on. They do more researching and shit. Dean asks Portia which form she identifies as – dog/human – but her answer isn’t in the episode. Presumably because they don’t want to come out and say that the almost sex scene was almost bestiality while remaining ~edgy enough to have sort of pulled bestiality off?
At some point, Sam and Dean have some bullshit conversation about the trials and Sam’s like, ‘You know, I’ve been going over this and over this, asking myself “why doesn’t he trust me?“‘
OH SAM. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL.
In the end it turns out that the witch with the cat familiar was behind all the deaths because….he wanted Portia for himself. He does some weird mojo on Sam and Dean and Sam sees his HELL SEIZURES AND HIMSELF FALLING IN THE PIT EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY HE NEVER SAW THAT! Dean sees MARY DYING AND BURNING ON THE CEILING EVEN THOUGH HE TECHNICALLY NEVER SAW THAT! Oh and he sees himself in Hell. I see where this is going already.
In the end Portia saves the day. Yay.
Then at the end, Dean says that all that pain and suffering (FLASHBACKS WORK WONDERS!!!) isn’t worth it if they don’t stick together and that he trusts Sam blah blah. Sam – who I seriously can’t even stand anymore because he’s written so fucking badly this season and just they NEED TO STOP – says he’s good.
AND THEN PROCEEDS TO START COUGHING UP HIS LUNGS (and blood, ugh) AS HE SITS RIGHT NEXT TO DEAN!!!!!!
‘You know, I’ve been going over this and over this, asking myself “why doesn’t he trust me?“‘
BECAUSE YOU’RE A CHRONIC LIAR!!! LULZ!!!
That was incredibly half-assiest of me, and I apologise but honestly, if you haven’t seen it already don’t bother. Now let us revel in some old-skool, decent Sam so that I can pretend that this hilariously awful Sam doesn’t exist!