I AM BACK! And I finally sat down and ripped off the band aid and suffered through the season 9 premiere. And oh, how stupid this episode was. Jared dutifully live-tweeted the whole thing because they’re adding to the shitty factor of the show this season. YAAAAAY.
What This Episode Was Called: I don’t know what this episode was called. I don’t really care.
What It Should Have Been Called: Let’s just go with Rehashville/Sam’s version of IMTOD.
The episode starts off with some shitty road so far set to a song that isn’t too shitty. After the obnoxious NOW subtitle card, we’re with Sam and Dean in the Impala. Sam seems to be okay but I assume that he will he fall over dramatically soon. He bitches about it (the whole angels falling thing, which by the way looked like shooting sparkly jizz shots) being a meteor shower. However, it turns out he’s dying in the real world. YAY.
Show, just kill him already. But yeah, blah, blah, blah, Dean whines, Sam’s in a coma, blah, blah, blah, dying, dying dying until Dean miraculously finds a way to save him so they can go on being martyrs and saving a planet that doesn’t give a shit about them. Their lives are so hard.
Dean eventually flips out and starts praying to Castiel. SHOW THIS IS NOT HOW PRAYERS WORK. STOP IT. Dean then ends up in the chapel and prays to ALL angels. I just…can’t even yell about this anymore. Anyway, ALL of the angels hear Dean and start racing to the hospital.
Sam is stuck a coma dream, but he doesn’t realise until Dean yells WE’RE IN YOUR HEAD repeatedly and it takes Sam another five fucking years to fucking realise that they’re in his fucking head because this show is so FUCKING STUPID AND UNORIGINAL. And there were way too many F-Bombs in that sentence LOL. Sam says some shit about how he ended up here or something, I was distracted. Is Jared having problems learning these lines? Because yeah they’re a crock of shit, but he doesn’t need to say them our like he’s reading them off a screen that has tiny font. It’s okay, Jared, the words won’t bite you. You staying on this mess of a show will, however.
Anyway, Bobby shows up. EVEN IN DEATH AND SAM’S COMA DREAM, BOBBY IS STILL DEAD EX MACHINA. BRAVO, WRITERS. BRAVO. What a great little Dream Team this is. So, apparently, Sam’s subconscious is the Impala with Dean driving and Bobby in the back seat.
No wonder he wants to die.
Over in Castown, CASTIEL IS HUMAN but he doesn’t eat, drink and believes he can FLY, SPREAD HIS WINGS AND TOUCH THE SKYY-YYYY. He soon gets the same reality check that R.Kelly did. I’m not sure why he can’t remember Metatron telling him that he doesn’t have his fucking powers any more. I half watched that shitfest and I still remember!
Bobby and Sam get rid of Dream!Dean somehow and go for a walk. According to Bobby (who is really Sam!!! The show really wants us to know that!!!) Sam has apparently left the world a better place. So basically, Sam’s arrogance just went from Hannah Montana to Twerkin’ Miley. Relatively mild and harmless to THIS WON’T END WELL FOR ANYONE.
BUT YEAH, PLEAAAAAASE. Sam has not made the world a better place. Not even by the show’s standards, LOL. Bobby supposedly is the part of Sam that wants to die (a true martyr’s death, of course) and Dean is the part of Sam that wants to live. This is despite the fact that Dean’s always the one who’s tired and done and Bobby’s the one who didn’t want to go to heaven.
Yeah, that makes complete sense.
Dream!Dean shows up just as Dream!Bobby has convinced Dream!Sam to let go. Fuck you, Dream!Dean. UGH. He stabs Dream!Bobby (YAY!) and then beats Dream!Sam up (DOUBLE YAY!). You know. To really reinforce the whole, you can’t die thing. But Dream!Sam can be bruised. That’s perfectly okay. I skipped that whole scene. And next, Dream!Sam meets up with Death. Sigh.
Dean goes to visit Crowley, who’s in his trunk. Sigh. Two angels show up and duke it out until Dean kills one. And then the other one, after unleashing what has to be the WORST accent I have ever heard, drops unconscious.
IT IS THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORST ACCENT EVER. My brain was weeping in distress.
Back in Castown, Castiel finds a lady friend. Zzzzz. He calls Dean and apparently all the angels are trying to kill him and Dean tells him to be wary. His lady friend proceeds to knock him out. When he comes to she tells him that she wants his vessel. Oh, naughty. They have some day trip and some shit happens. There’s a car crash. Yawn. He finally bins that coat and drinks water and yay who cares.
Worst Accent Ever guy is an angel called Ezekiel. He says some shit and Dean says some shit. Ezekiel should be able to save Sam, but Sam is so WEAK, GUYS. HE MIGHT DIE. Just like that other season where he might have died. And the one before that. And the one before that.
And the one before that.
Angels show up at hospital. Which is basically all Dean’s fault but hey, who’s asking? Dean runs through a hallway of flying glass just to pull the fire alarm despite the fact that they’re all fucking escaping anyway, and the movement should have triggered it already. CLEVER. He then yells every body get out…into an empty hallway. Sigh. After that, HE’S BEATEN UP BY ANGELS. YAYY. At one point he says, “any one ever tell you that you hit like an angel.“
And he does some mojo and gets rid of them. Ezekiel says that he can fix Sam from the inside, through possession. Dean says no. And then he says he’ll consider it if Ezekiel let’s him see how bad it is. Because a coma Sam won’t wake up from isn’t evidence enough LOL. Anyway, Ezekiel tunes him into Sam’s Head FM. Sam wants Death to make sure he stays dead forever. Y’know, like a normal person. Dean doesn’t get it. He says Sam will never say yes to Ezekiel. Ezekiel says Sam will say yes to Dean. Dean tries to persuade him, and I actually aw’d because Dean was like, “There’s ain’t no me, if there’s no you [Sam]“. And just. Fuck you for that Dean. Ugh.
Now back to hating him.
Dean manages to get Sam to say yes. So…another season of lies are ahead. WOO!!! Samzekiel says that Sam can reject him at any time blah, blah. Dean says he won’t tell Sam about any of it until he is sufficiently healed. The memories of the hospital are erased. Sam wakes up as himself. Dean says some shit. Sam says that they have work to do.
Uh..yeah. The same fucking work y’all had to do last time you said that Sam. Getting rid of demons. The angels are basically demons on this show. UGH THIS SHOW SUCKS.
And thankfully it ended there.
Notes. I like Jared’s acting in the earlier seasons. I do. And I feel like he hasn’t had the material later seasons hence why his acting has felt flat. But…him as an angel is just…not working. It was just hilarious. The tone of his voice. The facial expressions. Lmao. They’re just too obvious and FORCED and un-angel like. He sounds like he’s doing an impression of a 17th century British Aristocrat. Lmao. I was just dying. So yeah. Sorry Jared. Well. Not really. How is that the guest stars who play angels are WAY more convincing than Misha and Jared. Lol fuck this shit.
HAVE A RANDOM CHRIS HEMSWORTH GIF!